December 31, 2015

Dear Diary,

I can just tell 2016 is going to be a great year. I have so many goals, and I think this is the year I finally will achieve them all. Starting with YOU! Yes Diary, you heard me right, one of my goals is to write in you EVERY DAY next year! No, this is not like last year, Diary. We are really going to do it this year. I’m even getting a head start today. I want you to know all about my life: the ups, and downs, the breakups, and the hook ups ;). Yes diary, this is going to be a great year for us both. I can just see it now: John (or other generic boy name) and me will sit together on New Years Eve 2036, thinking back 20 years to 2016, the year we met each other and fell in love. And Diary, I swear to you, and to Dr. Rosen, this WILL be the year I finally start to floss. After all, the doc says that if I don’t start flossing I’ll get gingivitis. Who’s she kidding though, she’s told me that since the sixth grade, and just like me getting a boyfriend, it hasn’t happened yet. Let see other goals… Of course the standard “lose weight” makes my list and, you know, the keeping it off part. The losing part shouldn’t be too hard, considering I gained 10 pounds in the past week alone from all that Christmas food, but it’s the keeping it off that could present an erm… challenge. I just love food, okay, diary! Lay off! Well that’s about it diary, those are my goals for the year 2016. I hesitate to call them resolutions, because that just seems so binding, but yes, these are my goals for the year. And I am now being forced to add a final goal, by my MOTHER, who says that my goal should be to take three months to watch a show. I’m sorry, MOTHER, but do you know how unrealistic that is? I get through my shows in a week, how could you POSSIBLY think I can stretch a show out that long? Ridiculous. Well now I’m annoyed, so I’ll end this here. Happy New Year Diary, it’s gonna be a good one.

January 2, 2016

Dear Diary,

I’ve already messed it all up. I didn’t even write in you yesterday! But, in my defense, I got so wasted at Harry’s on New Years Eve that I woke up in Brooklyn all by myself, on a park bench. It was weird. So I had to get home, and that was a whole thing, but the point is, I was so hung over and confused that I decided I could start my goals today. But yes, it’s going well. I flossed this morning, and I’m writing in you. I weighed myself this morning and I had gained three pounds, but I think it’s bloating. I won’t eat tomorrow, and then I’ll be back to my normal weight. And then I can gain it back, since I will have achieved my goal. Oh and I am still single. But you know, that’ll take some time.

January 3, 2016

Dear Diary,

Blerg. There. I did it. Resolution on track. Also, I’m so hungry. I’m gonna go eat some Cheese Doodles.

January 4, 2016

Dear Diary,

Day 3 of this journal thing, and I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I don’t know how much longer I can take this whole resolution thing, to be honest. I’ve already binged three seasons of Portlandia, and a lot of Cheese Doodles, so I’m failing on every front. Also, I hate flossing my teeth! It just sucks! Dr. Rosen can suck my gingivitis, okay! And I’m still single. This year is a disaster.

January 11, 2016

Dear Diary,

Hey, I know what you’re going to say, okay? I don’t need to hear it. At least I’m making an attempt. I’ve been busy, all right? A lot of Netflix and Chill. Yes with myself! Screw off!

February 14, 2016

Diary,

It’s Valentine’s Day, and I’m all alone. Just like I’ve always been. No one will ever love me but you, my friend. I’ve failed everyone. Even my mother calls me pathetic. I can’t get off the couch. I can’t concentrate. I only eat bagged foods. I’m a disaster. Oh, what happened to the glorious girl, who was to take 2016 and knock it off its feet? What happened to weight I was going to loose? The teeth I was going to floss? The Diary I was going to write? The shows I wasn’t going to watch? The man I was going to meet? The happiness and achievement that were to await me? All gone dreams. Flushed, like my tampons, down the toilet. Oh diary, what am I to do? I’m a lost cause. I suppose there’s nothing I can do, not until 2017, anyway.

December 31, 2016

Dear Diary,

Alright, I know what I said last year, and the year before, and the year before… you get the point. Anyway, I know what I said, but this, 2017, is my year. New Year, new me. Same resolutions as last year, but this year they’re going to happen. FOR REAL.