August 14, 2016
My hands shake as I look through my closet again. I have made the Varsity Soccer team as a freshman in highschool. Soccer is my life and I guess I must be pretty good to have made it this far. Everything has changed since I got my letter; the green ink on the front and the American flag stamp in the corner.  I opened it expecting to see a big, bold rejection but hoping for a spot on the freshman team. To get Varsity was crazy. I have noticed my old friends drawing away from me. I hope I'm just making that up and freaking out about nothing like I always do.
Anyway, I was invited to my first party tonight by the seniors on my team. I’m so excited. It’s 9 o’clock when I leave my house. I told my mom I was going out to eat with my ex-best friend Caroline and that I might sleep over at her house. She was fine with it. She doesn’t know what happened between us yet. I check my appearance in the mirror. My long, thick, blond hair glows in the darkness of my room. I am in a tight black dress and black sneakers. A little slutty, but this is the dress code for my soccer team. I arrive and get out of my Junior friend Carly’s car. The music is blasting as I enter the mansion. The air is smoky and stinks of something earthy and sweet along with lots of alcohol. Caroline hands me a red solo cup and points to a boy across the room. She tells me to go talk to him if I need to loosen up a little bit and that she just wants me to have a good time.

August 15, 2016
All I can think about is last night. I forgot all my worries and was simply alive. I want to feel that way all the time. I remember everything that the D.A.R.E. officers said. All of them looked like total losers and goody-two shoes. Marijuana had been legalized in 4 states and soon many more. It can’t be that bad.

September 5, 2016
School starts tomorrow. I’m freaking out. I don’t know where I will fit in. All of my friends are juniors and seniors. I’m going out with the boy I met at the party tonight. He says I need to relax and that he has just the thing for me.

September 24, 2016
I hate highschool. My grade specifically. I’m going to another party this Friday. I’m becoming friends with noone. I’m cooler than the nerds but not cool enough to be popular. I’m the only freshman on the Varsity soccer team. This means that I’m an outcast no matter what I do. I need to calm down. The boy gave me some of his extra pot after our date. I can’t wait to go home and just zone out for a while. I need a distraction today more than ever. I’m not using like those gross stoner kids. Only when I need a break or want to have a good time. How could something that makes me feel so good and fills me with such light and bliss be bad? Answer, it can’t be.

September 27, 2016
That was the best party I have ever been to. I danced all night and was swimming in ecstasy, literally. Apparently, it’s the best part drug there it. I never knew how many different drugs there were. I’m excited to try more, just for fun. It’s not like I have a problem; I can stop whenever I want to. I just felt so blissful and free. I want it again. I need to feel that way all the time.

October 7, 2016
I missed the penalty kick. There is so much on my mind lately and I just couldn't focus. We lost. I feel like it should matter to me more than it does. I tried cocaine for the first time last week. I was with the boy from the first party, Roger is his name. We were together and I was complaining about how my parents started fighting again. He told me he knew how to make me happy again. Even though it is fake happiness chemically released in my brain, it felt as good, if not better, than real happiness. Roger game me some extra powder. I’m excited to get home tonight and use it. I really need to get my mind off the game.

November 5, 2016
Coach benched me today. He told me I needed to focus and have been off my game lately and that my grades had plummeted, or something along those lines (lol cocaine pun). I have stopped listening to what he has to say. All I can focus on is using again.

December 2, 2016
I have found my place. This group of 30 or so kids from all different schools. They don’t judge me for anything I do. They like what I like. We all get together in the gloomy woods next to the cemetery, and just share our stashes. Being with them is the highlight of my day.

February 26, 2017
I have been hearing about this drug for a while. LSD is unlike anything I have ever tried. I couldn’t tell what was real or fake. Everything was black. Then suddenly wasn’t. I felt ants crawling up and down my arms. They covered my whole body. I screamed and cried and clearly must have scratched my arms raw. I’m never doing that again. I’m never doing any drugs again ever.

April 20, 2017
I know I said I was going to stop but now is not the time. My parents sat me down and told me that they are getting divorced. I need that clear minded happiness more than ever now. I hate myself. I hate what I have become. I am just a burnout. I am just a stoner. I have become the girl that I used to look at with disgust. I am the girl that is willing to throw away everything for that packet of powder. I’ll get better later. Right now I just need to feel light and happy. My friends have been telling me about heroin and how great it makes you feel. I promised myself that I wouldn’t try it. Maybe just this once.

August 31, 2017
I realize now looking in the mirror that I have messed up big time. I have lost 25 pounds since I last wrote. My hair is stringy. My eyes are always bloodshot. My brain is one million percent more messed up on the inside than I look on the outside. I can’t keep a single train of thought for more than 30 seconds. There is always something crawling over the darkest parts of my brain. The demonic voices telling me to go get more. More of anything really. I’m not picky anymore. I just need a little bit of that euphoria. My parents are too busy dealing with their divorce to pay attention to me. They don’t notice the missing vodka bottles from the cabinets. My mother doesn’t notice the jewelry that is missing from her dresser. My father doesn't notice his collectible baseball cards disappearing. They don’t even yell at me when I sneak out anymore. I have been sneaking out every night since Summer started. I go to whoever has drugs.

September 24, 2017
My mother noticed that her engagement ring was missing. She didn’t really question it. She just asked me if I had seen it. I denied it. She looked at me clearly for the first time in months. For a moment I thought she was going to question me. That she was going to mention that I looked thinner or upset. She didn’t. She doesn’t care enough to ask questions because then she will have to deal with the consequences. Anyway, I will have to come up with a new way to get the money for my drugs.

October 24, 2017
I broke my promise. I sold some of my extra weed to some freshman boys today. I didn’t just give them the key to open the door to the hell that is my life. I sold it to them. I encouraged them to take it. I have completed the circle. I can’t deal with myself anymore. I’m not myself anymore. I’m never alone. My brain is always controlled by the devilish voice of addiction. This is my rock bottom. I’m going to stop. I have to stop.

November 12, 2017
My mom found my drugs. She kicked me out. I’m crashing on the dark, dusty, couches of friends til they kick me out. Then I crash in an abandoned house. No one goes in it since the fire that liked the walls with flames turning everything black. I could easily fall through the floors however, my apparition like figure doesn't seem to even exist anymore. Sometimes I sleep on a bench in the park. I often don’t even remember what state I’m in. I have to quit now if I want to make anything out of my so called life.

December 25, 2018
This is it. I can’t quit it. Any of it. I have tried so hard. I’m not strong enough. Did I mention I overdosed? I did. It was heroin. My so called friends got me the narcan shot before my skeletal body disintegrated for good. I wish they had let me die. I lied before. I lie a lot now. So often that even I myself can’t tell if I’m telling the truth. This is my rock bottom. I can’t escape the dark clutches of death now. I can’t quit. I can’t survive without my daily doses of heroin. All I can do is wait til I inject a little too much and finally succumb to the darkness that clouds my soul and mind. I wish I had never started.