The holidays are blissful time spent together with family members to fill the longing for love that is lost during the brutal year. The holidays ends the year with feelings of love and graciousness. Children screaming with frosting stained faces. Grandmothers smell of fresh chocolate chip cookies. Sisters and brothers with cheeks flushed the color of red wine. The picture perfect moment for most families. My family is not like most.

Thanksgiving morning and my father is staring at the laptop. Fingers flickering across the keyboard. I can see the red veins in his eyes. His arched eyebrow and lack of acknowledgement when I entered the room was a clear sign that today was not the day to speak or make mistakes. This was how most days were.

I peek into the refrigerator to see what leftovers would be my breakfast that morning. Blueberries. Fish. Cold soup. Boiled Potatoes. I grab the carton of milk and pour the Trader Joe’s knock off Honey Nut Cheerios and sit down alone to consume my meal. My brother glances at my father and he too quietly scans the inside of the refrigerator. He warms up the naan and chooses a hummus dip. His head is tilted downward staring at the naan. His eyes are glassy and I wonder what is going through his mind when he turns to face the window with the cool air rushing through and the sound of cars that travel too fast rushing by.

I rush past my father and make my way up the stairs. My mother is packing for her business trip tomorrow. She was to travel to the East Coast to visit several clients that needed her advice. That day, I needed her but instead, I closed the door quietly and made my way down the stairs.

As slowly as a can, I clean my room. If I filled my time maybe this day would go by a little faster. Looking out the window, I see my neighbor is arguing with her husband about how to season the turkey. I wrap myself in my light, green fuzzy blanket. As I allowed the frosty November air to sting my cheeks, my thoughts engulfed me and I was alone again. When the moon finally made its way across the midnight sky, my eyes wandered downward and I realized that there were dark green spots scattered across the blanket decorating it like ornaments on a Christmas tree.