Dear Boy,

The truth is I need to write this down. I need to get this all out on paper. I could put this off and pretend for awhile that nothing has happened, but that wouldn’t make this better. How am I supposed to move on when you are everywhere I turn? This moment is mine and yet it is split in two by your lingering presence. You left me, but I am never alone.

Every night I lie awake in bed revisiting the pain, the heartbreak. You would assume me masochistic for every moment I think of you, what’s left of me dies, but I can’t help myself. It’s your blue eyes that always get to me. The memory of you staring at me intently as I try to remember to breathe is burned in my mind. You could make me react in ways that made my heart race, my hands shake and my lips quiver. Now I cringe at your memory.

So much time has passed. Days turned into years so quickly that I feel nothing has changed – but it has. I swore to forget you, to leave you in the past, but somehow you are still here. Even though time has worn on my memory and things have become fuzzy around the edges, the feelings have yet to fade.

I can’t breathe when I remember the moment you left. I remember the way my heart ached for you, the way my chest tightened and twisted in panic. I can still feel your hand on my cheek, wiping the tears, your lips kissing mine, silently saying good-bye. I still shutter at the memory of the ear-splitting silence that bounced and hit off every wall, amplifying my loneliness. And I can still hear you. Still hear you echoing in my head, your beautiful voice whispering in my ears, you every word poisoning me, filling me with hopelessness.

I remember the moment you grabbed my hands, holding me close, looking into my eyes and then saying,

“I love you, but I don’t want you.”

Do you remember this moment? Does it seep into your sleep, keeping you up at night? Have you kissed her and remembered kissing me? Do you miss me the way I miss you? Do you take back what you said? Do you realize the pain you have caused?

Things are different now. My scenery has changed, my life has changed, and I have changed, but you – you are the same. But still I miss you every second of everyday and I’m still waking up every morning thinking maybe today will be the day you come back.

But there have been a lot of mornings since you left.

I know that a paragraph or a line or two won’t heal this bleeding wound or make you come back. So I am going to resort to my own methods of self-therapy and write you this letter, seal it away and never let it be sent and lock it away with all the others just like it. And tomorrow I will write another, hoping that I can make it through another day.

You left me, but I am never alone.




I love you,
-
Girl