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True Love Not Meant To Be
Every now and then I’ll come across a guy who I absolutely love to be around, and who I can never seem to get out of my head; and all I want to do is be with him. But here’s the problem: he never feels the same way about me.
Every time I have ever felt this way about a boy, I have spent months on end agonizing over him, and practically being obsessed with him – but not in a creepy way – and they always end up breaking my heart. So I usually try to avoid things like that these days.
But, Brandon Rivers, you were just plain unavoidable.
I was only an incoming freshman, totally unseen to a high up senior like you. You didn’t know who I was, and I didn’t know who you were either. Until the day we both signed up to volunteer at a camp for elementary school kids during the summer, without knowing that we had both signed up for it. And without knowing it, we both got assigned to work the outdoor games workshop. Together.
So there we all were, our whole group, standing awkwardly around the director of the games in the freezing cold morning air in a large space of grass by the parking lot. No one spoke; no one even dared to look up from the ground and at the others around them. But I knew that you were there, I saw you.
I saw you that morning, as I was standing in the middle of the large open room where we were all supposed to meet, alone. I saw the way you walked in casually with your head down, and the way you checked your name off on the list of people, and then leaned up against the wall, alone. Alone, just like me. There was something about you that caught my attention, and to this day I still have no clue what it was; was it your long chocolate hair that swept into your eyes? Or, maybe it was your gorgeous sea green eyes? There are too many good things about you to choose from. But I think it was how shy you seemed, how alone you seemed. You weren’t the typical high school boy.
There was the opening ceremony for camp, and then we were all back out on the field, setting up for the games we were about to play with the fourth and fifth graders in about five minutes. There were five of us in total: you, Daniel, Sean, Emily, and me. Do you remember them, Brandon? Emily was my age, and Daniel and Sean were going into sophomore year. You were the oldest of us all, but you didn’t act like it made any difference to you. Because it didn’t; you didn’t care how old we were, you treated us all the same. Even me.
Our first groups of kids came, and we played the game. Things were still a little bit awkward – no one had quite opened up yet – but by the end of the first session, we were all laughing and making jokes with each other; we were having so much fun. At least, I was.
You and I talked, and I remember thinking the whole time, this is a miracle. You see, Brandon, the whole time the first group of kids were playing the game, I was thinking about how I was going to talk to you, how I was going to approach you. I figured that I would start talking to you in a couple days, but no, we started talking immediately.
They weren’t deep conversations, just small comments and questions here and there, but they were enough for me. Because every time we spoke we would both laugh and I would get to see you smile, and hear you laugh, and I got to see the way your gorgeous sea green eyes lit up with laughter and happiness. That was enough for me.
You had such a way with the little kids, too; they all loved you. All of the little girls had crushes on you within the first five minutes that they knew you, whether you knew it or not. But I knew it; it was so obvious to me. Because I knew how they were feeling; I was feeling the same way about you, too.
I knew I liked you. I knew it almost instantly, and once I fell for you, I simply couldn’t stop falling. I stayed around you throughout the day trying to get to know you better. Trying to make you see the real me. But here was the problem: I had a boyfriend at the time. He kept texting me throughout the day, but I ignored the texts so I had more time to talk to you. I felt like I was betraying him, but it was not enough to make me stop talking to you. A few days later, I broke up with him.
Another problem: I had no clue if you had a girlfriend or not.
So, my question for you now, Brandon: did you feel the same way about me, at first? Did you have an irrational pull towards me, as I did to you?
I didn’t think you did at the time, but now I’m not so sure, and I am so curious to hear your answer.
The week went on, and the camp came to a close, and I liked you even more than I had in the beginning. The last day of camp was a hard one; I loved our whole group so much, it was like we were a family. But you were the hardest to let go of, Brandon, you were the hardest to say goodbye to.
We traded cell phone numbers, and gave each other big hugs. Our parting words were bittersweet.
“You know, yesterday I knew the camp was ending today, but I never realized the fact that I would have to say goodbye to you,” You said this quietly, shyly, seeing how I would react.
I gave you a sad smile and said, “I’ve realized it all week, but I’ve been trying not to think about it. I really will miss you, Brandon.”
“I’ll miss you, too, D, but were going to see each other again. You know that, right?”
And I did know that. But I also knew that our grade difference would break us apart in high school, leaving a vast, un-swimmable ocean between the two of us.
“I know, but…it won’t be the same.”
You nodded, knowing exactly what I was saying without me having to say it.
“So I guess this is goodbye?” You said.
“No. This is just see you later.”
You smiled broadly and locked me in a huge bear hug.
“I’ll see you later then.”
I walked away from you, trying to keep myself together. And that was when I heard the pounding footsteps coming at me from behind, and when I knew that you had ran after me.
You spun me around, to my great surprise, and spoke quickly.
“D, I like you. I really like you. I don’t care that we are totally different ages, and that were not in the same class, I don’t care. I want you to be my girlfriend. Will you?”
I said yes.
So that’s our story, Brandon, retold for you. And here we are today, so many years later, married, and still madly in love.
And that is why I have to leave now. I have to leave now, and I’m not coming back, Brandon. I can’t tell you the details, and you never may know them. But know this, Brandon: wherever I am, I am okay. I’m not in danger, and I am not hurt. Please, do not worry about me; it’s better this way. Do your best to forget me completely, and find someone else; I give you permission.
Never forget this though, Brandon: I loved you. I loved you with all my heart and soul, and I believed that one day we were going to get married and have a beautiful family, and we accomplished part of that. All those years that we spent together were not a lie. Please, never think back on our time together and think of it as a terrible thing.
And I promise you, I still love you, and I always will, but now is my time to go.
You won’t see me again. I’ll be long gone by the time you get this letter. Don’t run after me this time, Brandon; this is all for the best.
Please, forgive me.
I love you,