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The last time I saw him was April of 2010. His green eyes shone like emeralds in a lake, The touch of his body was all I wanted and all I needed, that was when he loved me. I got what I wanted. He said he loved me but, was it true? How can you be so in love with someone one day and not the next. I had never heard him speak such cruel words. For three months he was mine. If I could do it over again, I’d change everything. I would never let him leave. I loved him for a year now. 9 months of nothing and three months of love, that’s when he loved me. The heartbreak that he has bestowed upon me will never leave. Since then, things have been better. I can say now, this was the worst time of my life. However, things turned up after two months of mourning. Life finally, started getting better. Until the day I started college. That day, everything turned right back around again.
I sat there, on campus, thinking, when will I see him again. I remembered his face, his eyes, his hair, his lips, his body, and his words. I still know him like the back of my hand. I looked up every now and then and imagined what our conversations would be like. I would lift myself out of the dark abyss, I had fallen into. My life was a rut. Sure, I had a boyfriend who, in a way, I loved. But, nothing could compare to the love i felt and still feel for Eli.
It was my first day on campus, first day of the rest of my life, my first day to begin my search. There were nine-thousand people in that school, one of them was Eli. I thought, maybe he left, maybe he was still there but, the chances of me finding him were slim to none. That was all I needed, to just see him. Although, even if I saw him, even if i had gotten up off that bench, even if he looked at me, even if I fell back into his arms, even if we would never part again, I knew that would never happen. For one more second I pulled my head up and scanned the crowd. A tall skinny, lengthy figure walked the street in front of me. I scanned the features on his face, could it be? It was. I knew that walk, that hair, those eyes, and that face anywhere. He walked into a dorm building. With every ounce of strength I had in me, I got up off my bench and headed over there. With every step I took, I felt hours pass. Finally, I made it to the building. I had no idea what I would even say to him. It had been forever since I was at this same place. The last time I had been there was senior year of high school. Well, that was when he loved me.
Now, I had no idea how I would even get into the building. The room next to the door had a light on inside. Maybe if I knocked someone would answer. So, I did. I knocked three time and someone came to the window.
“Oh, hey baby, wanna come in?” The guy standing at the window was a tall guy with curly blond hair, it was definitely not Eli.
“Uh... I’m looking for Eli... do you know him?”
“Yeah! Eli, third floor! I’ll let you in,” he disappeared from the window for moment and returned a second later at the door. I attempted to walk inside but, his arm was blocking the entrance.
“I’m Shane, you go here?” If I didn’t have a boyfriend and wasn’t so hungover on Eli, i would have found Shane extremely attractive. He was about six foot two with shaggy, dirty blond, surfer hair and icy blue eyes that reminded me of crystals.
“Yeah, it’s my first day.”
“Aw, how cute, you’re a freshman,” he smiled a strikingly gorgeous white smile. “Are you Eli’s girl?”
“No, we used to know each other, I haven’t seen or talked to him in months.”
“Sounds like trouble if you ask me,” he sighed, “you sure you want to go up there?” He stepped to the side and lowered his arm from the door.
“Yeah, I have no idea if he’ll even talk to me,” I began walking forward. My heart was beating so loud in my chest, I’m sure Shane could hear it.
“Well, I’ll go with you, just in case,” he turned around and started walking up the stairs but, stopped when he noticed I wasn’t following. “You coming... uh... whoa... I still don’t know your name,” he winked.
“Oh, it’s Sammy or Sam, I don’t care.” Although I was still completely in love with Eli, Shane was making me quite nervous.
“Okay well Sam, let’s get this over with,” he winked again and started heading up the stairs. His sandals hit each stair with a loud slapping sound that matched the beat of my heart. I stared at the entrance to the building like it was the gate to the rest of my life. Any decision, every second, every moment, from then on, could decide the rest of my life. No pressure. Everyone always told me, the first step is the hardest but, I never thought it would be that hard. Memories flooded my mind like I was reliving the last time I was in that same spot. I stepped inside holding Eli’s hand. He was wearing his favorite yellow shirt, light blue jeans, and sandals. I was following closely behind, wearing denim shorts, a beautifully flowing white shirt, and a grey vest sitting lightly over my shoulders. We walked up the stairs, every second passing felt like a moment in time that could last forever. We made it to the third floor and almost instantly, we were at his room. We walked inside and he was behind me holding onto my waist. We fell in unison onto his bed and for a moment, time meant nothing, it stood still. I could relive that moment a million times and it still wouldn’t be as amazing as the real thing.
“Sam, are you coming?” Shane was standing in front of me with his hand out for me to hold. “Take my hand, I’ll lead you up there, and I won’t let go until you tell me to, I swear.”
I grabbed his hand and a second later we were on the third floor.
“Okay, I can handle it from here. I think.”
“I’ll just wait in the common room,” he let go of my hand and walked down to a couch sitting in the corner of the room. “If you need me, I’ll be here,” Shane smiled, pulled out his phone, and began texting people. I turned around and walked to a door that read, “RM. 301”. As I raised my hand to the door, I reminded myself, Breathe. In and out. In and out. In and out. I felt a sudden surge of confidence and knocked on the door. This was my Eli, he’ll always love me, no matter what happened before and after the last time I was in that building. In every second it took for him to open the door, a million thoughts passed through my mind. The doorknob turned and so did my stomach. The door slipped open and there he stood, the smile on his face slowly faded.
“No, Sammy,” he closed his eyes and shook his head. Any feeling of sickness that I had felt prior, increased by a hundred. “You shouldn’t be here. Bye.” He closed the door. I felt like a cold hard wall slammed right into my face. The watery tears of my brokenness formed in my eyes. The one thing that I had previously been dreading, just came true. I felt my body turn towards the common room, I was no longer in control of myself. As I walked in Shane noticed my tears. In a second, I had fallen to the ground, crying. my head was spinning and I was broken. I knew this would happen but, every part of me was praying that it wouldn’t. Everything was going by in a flash. I felt Shane’s hands under me lifting my body off the ground. He carried me all the way downstairs. I couldn’t understand why Eli would act like that. Well, I guess I could, I deserved it. After what I had done, I deserved something way worse.
“Sam?” Shane’s sweet voice was hovering above me, we had stopped moving and I was laying on a bed somewhere.
“He hates me. “ I turned over and buried my face in a pillow. Tears came pouring out like a majestic, cascading, waterfall.
“No he doesn’t,” Shane said while pushing my hair behind me ears. “He just wasn’t expecting to see you.”
“No, he definitely hate me, he couldn’t even look at me, I don’t blame him.”
“Don’t say that,” he pressed the back of his hand to my cheek and wiped away the tears.
“Well, I deserve it.”
“What’d you do?”
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"Live as if your dying"
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"If they think you're crazy they won't mess with you."
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"Live as if your dying"