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Just because I refused
"I'm only seventeen, Kyle! You can't really expect me to do this with you," I say as I stand with you in the woods behind our school. The ground is completely covered with leaves and the trees have a thick layer of moss.
I can tell you're thinking about how to get me to do this. I wait impatiently for what you will say next. The frustration, fear, impatience, and anger start to build up.
The chilling November breeze sends shivers down my spine, adding to my anxiety, and I only want you to hold me. Your touch will pour the heat back into my body, but I know that won't happen.
You just stare at me, allowing me to get lost in your eyes while the wind whips through your straightened hair. Your muscular structure and height make me look petite, it's almost awkward. We're so different, yet our lives are so similar. Our parents are divorced, we've both ended up in a detention center once for things beyond our control, and both of us are trying to make our lives better. We've known each other since we were born and I can't remember a time when I didn't love you. A seventeen year crush is hard to ignore. No wonder it was so easy for you to connect with me and make me want to do this. You've always had a way with words and I make it so easy for you to manipulate me. I'd do whatever you want but you take advantage of it.
We've already been standing here for a long time and now you're taking even longer to speak. Finally, you take a breath and I know what words are about to follow. Sometimes I think that I know you better than I know myself.
"You told me you would... Please, Ashley? You got my hopes up, don't crush them," you say, giving me the cutest puppy-dog eyes and brushing a bit of brown hair out of my face with your finger-tips.
The guilt rises in my body and my eyes fill with tears. I can't hurt you but I can't give my virginity to a guy in the woods either. The confliction takes over my thoughts, preventing me from thinking, and I want to run from you. I begin to allow the tears to run over my eyes.
"Kyle, I love you. Isn't that enough?" I ask. My voice is shaky and you gently wipe away my tears. All I can do is stare into your deep brown eyes as you stare into my bright green.
"It is but you promised. When a girl breaks a promise, I don't care how amazing she is, I leave. She doesn't exist to me anymore. Remember that promise? You promised because you love me, now you can prove your love," you say surprisingly cold.
Without even realizing it, I've become trapped. Those words put me in the worst situation I could have imagined. I can't let you slip away, but I can't give you something that means so much to me.
I guess you've picked a nice place though. The wind runs its fingers through our hair and the sunlight dances on your face. For the most part, these woods are pretty open, but you've assured me that we're perfectly secluded. Nobody can see us.
"Please, Ashley, it's not that bad," you say as you gently run your hand down the side of my body and I can feel the warmth of your touch through my clothes. It calms me down a bit, but not enough for me to do this with you.
You've got me in an awkward position now. I said I'd do this, but how can I? I've loved you for so long but we've never been more than friends, yet we're standing here trying to make this seem simple. I want this to make us become something more, but will that happen? This is stupid, you don't respect me. You only want sex but I want love. This isn't right, it shouldn't be like this.
Finally, I make up my mind after standing with you for what feels like an hour. I don't want to hurt you, I would never want to hurt you... it wasn't supposed to be this hard. I cringe and feel like I might be sick.
"I-I can't," I stutter nervously and look from you to the ground. I don't want to see your reaction.
"Come on. Please?" you say as you put your arms around my waist, pulling me into you. I can feel your heart beating and I don't want to move. I want to stay in your arms forever, but I know what you want.
I step out of your arms and push you back. I only meant to put some distance between us, you weren't supposed to fall. You deserve it though. I said no. I would say no again, but right now I'm at a loss for words.
"Fine," you say emotionless as you stand up. You stare at me a moment before walking away.
I follow you, not knowing where to go, and realize how amazing you look. Your plaid shirt and jeans always look best on you. For some reason, I love your torn up shoes. I don't look nearly as amazing as you. My brown shirt and black jeans are stained and full of holes. My tattered shoes crush leaves with every step I take. My heart starts to break and I can't think of either of us anymore. My mind wanders to what my best friend, Kelly told me when I told her about our plans.
Honestly, Ash, I don't support your decision, but I want you to know one thing-YOU are in control of whatever happens.It takes a lot to say yes but it takes so much more to say no.
We're out of the woods now and you turn to look at me. No words are exchanged but I can tell you're more than angry.
"I'm sorry," I say hoping for a hug or some type of verbal response. You just nod and leave.
I ruined it. I let you down and I let you slip away. I feel like I've failed you in some way even though I know, you're the one that failed me. The regret begins to set in when I can't see you anymore. I shouldn't feel this bad, I did the right thing. You had ill intentions and ended up ravening my heart. I almost want to cry but I remember what my cousin, Amy told me a few days ago.
When things get rough-just look around. The sun will still be shining and the world will still be turning. If you can see that, then you're not dead and the world didn't end.
I smile lightly, because I realize that she's right. I'm still alive and the world didn't end...even if you don't love me.
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"The winter I told you icicles are magic, you stole an enormous icicle from my neighbors shingle, and gave it to me as a gift, I kept it in my freezer for seven months. Love isn't always magic, sometimes it's melting." -Andrea Gibson