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Don't let go
“That’s it! We’re done!” Travis screamed and stormed out of the house and into his car to peel out of the driveway. We’re done? What the hell does that mean? No, he can’t do this.
“Travis! Wait! I’m-“ Travis peeled out of the driveway, making the tires scream under his will to get away from me as fast as possible. I watched him leave, my heart broken into a thousand pieces that not even an ant could pick them up. What had I done?
“F***! Fuckeddy f*** frick!” Travis shouted, slamming his hand on the steering wheel. How could I have been so stupid as to believe her for one moment? ‘I’m fine, really Travis, you don’t have to come over, I’ll be alright.’ Yeah, fine my ass! How could she have done this to me? After all that I did for her, she turns around and cheats on me. I thought she loved me, I thought she cared about me. How could I have been so stupid and naïve as to think for one second she loved me?
No, I’ll show her, I’ll go out with the hottest girl I can find. She will be nothing compared to Jordan and you know it. How could anyone compare to her soft lips, her gentle touch, her sexy and nerdy laugh? Not even a supermodel could ease the pain that only Jordan caused.
I have half a mind to turn his truck around. But surely, Jordan wouldn’t want to see me now. Not after the way I had acted. Given it was back in December, and I didn’t know what was going on, I shouldn’t have overreacted like that. I had abandoned her back then, didn’t even take the time to ask if she was alright after being out of school for a month! Could I really blame her for easing the pain she too felt by kissing some guy?
If only I could turn around and take it all back.
I was left once again by the man I loved with all my heart. It felt like my feet were glued to the ground… along with the rest of me. I couldn’t move from the stairs. The pain and loss were just too great that I couldn’t stand it anymore.
Deciding that I had to move at some point, I dragged myself back into the house and plopped down on the floor against the pantry.
It was one mistake, one stupid, crazy mistake that I shouldn’t have done. It was the winter solstice, it was crazy! I had just come out of the damn mental institution the day before and was confused. So, someone showed me a little amnesty and kindness and I was fooled and fell for him. It’s not like Travis would have cared at the time, we were on a break. Ugh, how I despised that word! But, I had to tell him. The guilt was eating me alive. Ever since I kissed Ryan, I’ve been regretting it, and there’s nothing I could do about it. I just had to tell him. I just didn’t expect him to react quite like this.
I got up off the floor and felt like burying my head in a tub of Ice Cream. Opening the freezer, I got the tub of mint chocolate chip out and not bothering with a bowl, I grabbed a spoon and headed into my dark room where things would hopefully get better with ice cream. Ice cream solved all problems.
Travis stormed through the door.
"Hey buddy, everything-"
"No, just leave me alone alright?" Travis snapped at his father, rummaging through the things in the freezer. "Where the hell is the ice cream!" Travis yelled in frustration.
"On the door," his father said, looking back at the newspaper he wasn't even reading.
Travis angrily grabbed his favorite ice cream. Chocolate chip mint and threw the lid on the counter while grabbing a spoon and slamming his feet out of the kitchen and into his room.
Once he was in the safety of his room, he pulled out his phone and debated texting Jordan. It would be so much easier if he just forgot this whole mess and they moved on together. He sure as hell couldn't spend so much as a day with knowing that she was mad at him, it killed him inside. Especially knowing he was the whole reason they broke up in the first place.
If only I had been there for her back in December. If only I hadn't been so damn selfish and told her we needed a break. I could have killed her. The realization finally hit him. Last time he left her, she was in so much pain that she had to kill herself. She couldn't deal with it. And now what had he done?
Travis dialed Jordan's number as fast as he could, hoping she hadn't done something stupid.
Come on, pick up the damn phone dammit! Travis thought eagerly.
I sat in my bed, my foot dangling over the side and drowned my sorrows in my ice cream. It was stupid to think that confessing to Travis would make anything better. Who was I fooling? No one.
I saw my phone light up with a delayed buzz. I put down my spoon and looked at the caller. Travis. What could he possibly want? To yell at me some more? No, I won't answer it, no matter how much I ache to hear his husky voice, to hear the laugh in his voice, to see him as he is talking, knowing that there is no other place he would rather be. But all that is over now. He doesn't want me, and why should he? I deceived him, I lied to him. What am I to him anymore?
Now, he can finally find his dream girl and not have to worry about me, the crazy, suicidal, lunatic of a girlfriend. I can't even imagine what he even saw in me.
I clicked ignore and let him go to voice mail. I just couldn't deal with him right now. Not like this.
"Jordan, we're home!" my mother called through the house.
"I'll be right there!" I replied. I couldn't see them like this. I quickly composed myself in the mirror, wiped my eyes, put on some eye liner, and straightened out my shirt. I noticed Travis's jacket hanging on a post on my bed. My eyes started to tear, but I took a deep breath and opened my door.
"So, how was your trip?" I asked, taking a sip of water over dinner.
"Oh, it was wonderful! We stayed right on the beach, right where the water is it's bluest. It was magical, wasn't it sweetheart," my mother looked over at my father who was too busy stuffing his face with pasta, but managed a smile.
"How were you?" My dad inquired, looking me up and down, noticing I looked awful.
"Just fine. It was nice not having you two here as a matter of fact," I laughed but was unable to make it sound real. All that came out was a cackling noise.
"Well, I'm really glad you two had a great second honeymoon, but may I be excused?" I pushed back my chair.
"You hardly ate anything!" my mother exclaimed. Obviously offended.
"I'm just not hungry," I explained, taking my plate into the kitchen and putting it into the sink. The only thing I felt like doing was calling Travis back and begging for him to come save me from this pain. I just needed to hear him say he forgave me. Yeah, like that would ever happen. This time for sure, we were over.
God dammit! Jordan wasn’t picking up the phone, and she even had the nerve to put him to voice mail, so she obviously saw it. Travis thought with some sort of hope.
Travis got up and went into the bathroom to do his nightly routine. Brush, rinse, then floss, and off to bed. Except there was only one thing missing right now, and that was Jordan. Every night he had a ritual of calling her right before he fell asleep to let her know that he was always thinking of her, and that alone helped him sleep soundly.
Travis laid down in bed and his mind wandered to other places. Places he didn’t want to be. You were never there for her, you aren’t even a real man. You lost your girl to some dude you don’t even know. How stupid could you have been to not have asked her if she was alright? Did you think she was just ignoring you? She needed you and you let her down. Now you have to start all over and pray to God that she forgives you. The voice in his head wouldn’t shut up, but like it or not, it was right. If he was going to go on and live, he had to have her, or else living in this world, in this life was nothing more than a waste. She was the only thing that made it worth living. Without her, he might as well be dead, because that’s just what he felt on the inside. Knowing that he would never again be able to touch her soft, pink lips, tickle her in that way that made her jump and smack his hand, but always left her laughing. Never being able to hold her in his arms while she cried. Never being able to hold her while she was so mad that she showered his chest in light punches and screamed awful things at him until she was finally tired, made it harder than anything else he would ever have to do.
She was perfect in so many ways. He was a fool to end it all over a dumb kiss months ago. What had he been thinking? He wasn’t, that was the problem. With a plan to get her back tomorrow at school in mind, Travis drifted off into a fitful sleep.
Ugh, school, the last place I really want to be right now. All I want to do is pull the covers up over my head and sleep until this whole thing is over and done with. But no, school is a must.
I dragged my body up out of bed and got dressed, combed my hair and got as close to neat as I could on a day like this. Don’t think about it, don’t think about him. He ended it, not you. But no matter what I told myself, it still hurt. I wouldn’t be able to talk, look, or wave at him in the hallway. I’d probably just lose myself and go barreling through the doors right into his arms. The minute I saw him, I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold my composure. One look at him would send me off the edge, begging for him to take me back, and forgive me for all the horrible things that I have done.
I grabbed my bag and skipped eating any breakfast, getting worried looks from my parents as I walked silently out the door, into my car. I suddenly got a wave of loss. Of hurt, of anger.
“What is wrong with me?!” I screamed at the car, waiting for it to somehow answer me. “I lost the one thing that ever loved me, why am I such a screw up!” I pounded my fist on the steering wheel out of frustration. My cell phone buzzed on the seat next to me.
Claire. I wiped my eyes and steadied my voice before hitting answer.
“Yeah?” I tried to sound nonchalant.
“You okay? I heard from someone that you and Travis got into a nasty fight.”
“Yeah, well, nothing you can do about it, right?” I was suddenly really annoyed at her, for absolutely nothing.
“Yeah, I guess so. Well, I guess I’ll see you at school then?” Claire asked.
“Sure, see you soon,” I hung up without saying goodbye. I just didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. The pain in my chest was too much to handle.
I walked into school with my head down, not wanting to bump into Travis. If he saw me like this, a bumbling, hormonal mess, he would surely be glad that he broke it off. No skin off his back.
I put my books in my locker and took out my morning ones, shoving them in a bag that I had slung over my shoulder. On the inside of my locker door was a picture of us, smiling at each other like we were hopelessly in love. God, what a lie that had been. Did he even really love me in the first place? Probably not. He probably jumped at the excuse to dump me.
Taking the picture off my locker, I walked over to the trash can and that’s when I saw him, standing all alone, looking like death himself. I wanted to run over to him, wrap my arms around him and tell him that everything would be alright. He looked so broken up. Did I do that to him? I thought. No, what a ridiculous thought.
Travis looked up at me, and our eyes met, both of us pleading the other one to just say something. I had been staring too long I realized and broke away, walking back over to my locker and slamming it shut.
Travis stood there, staring at her, begging her to see that he couldn’t go one more minute without her, but then she walked away, like she was mad at him. Couldn’t she see how broken he was just after one day?
I saw something in her, she’s different. Her eyes look like she is hurting. But she will never show it, and I know that. God she is so frustrating! And that’s why he loved her. They drove each other crazy, but at the end of the day, no matter what they went through, they would always be there for each other.
Travis knew that Jordan was no longer his, but he couldn’t help but stare after her as she walked away, her sassy walk, her hips swaying to her usual beat down the hall. What he would do to be right by her side, slip his hand inside her pocket and have her smile up at him sheepishly, her face a brilliant shade of red. But no, now she had Ryan to do that for her, now didn’t she? If she wanted Ryan so badly, well, now she’s got him.
How could she look into my eyes like that, get to me in a way that no one else could and just walk away like that? Does she not care about what happened? No, it’s impossible. She can’t look into my eyes like that, be all vulnerable and not feel the same way that I do. No.
Was that vulnerability in his eyes I saw? Was that him pleading? No, why would he want me after what I did to him? I was a fool to stare at him like that. A darn fool for staring too long. How could I be so stupid as to think that he wants me back? He will never want me, and frankly, I don’t blame him.
I ran to my next class, eager to get there and sit down, away from Travis, away from the insanity, but everything kept reminding me of him. Even the history lesson reminded me of him! I have to get him out of my head.
Travis walked to his first class, thankful that it didn’t have Jordan in it. He didn’t think he could keep his hands off of her, and his mouth from running a long apology if he did. She of course wore those jeans that made him hot for her. The way they clung to her legs and outlined her butt, so plumb and nice. She also wore the shirt that he had given her a few months ago as a present. It was pink and black, flowy but in all the right places to extenuate her smooth angles and curves. Could it be that she wasn’t over him? Could she be wanting him just as much as he wanted her?
As much as Travis wanted to pay attention in physics, he couldn’t keep his mind off of Jordan. What was she doing right now? Is she alright in History? What was she learning? Was she getting bored?
Travis raised his hand, “May I go to the bathroom?” he asked. The teacher waved him off, getting back to whatever it was that he was doing at his computer.
“Thanks.” He murmured as he took the hall pass and walked toward the bathroom. I have got to clear my head. I just have to stop thinking about her, that’s all. Nothing to it.
Travis picked his head up as he was rounding the corner and saw Jordan not five feet away from him.
“What?” she barked at him, wiping something underneath her eye. A tear?
“Nothing,” he matched her icy mood.
“Well, stop staring at me,” she said, trying to move past him but not budging.
“I will if you get out of my way. Now move!” He said, a little too loudly. Move? Really? That’s how you are going to treat her now?
Move? Really? He was going to start treating me like dirt now?
Why had I been so harsh to him? I didn’t even mean to sound like I was mad. Ugh, why won’t he move!
“You’re the guy, so YOU move,” really? That’s your response? Way to go lame-o. I could feel a hint of red creeping into my cheeks. Blushing? At a time like this? You have got to be kidding me.
“I don’t have time for this,” Travis sneered and pushed past me, his hand grazing my elbow. Just at his mere touch, it sent warmth all throughout me, my body wanting to grab his hand, pull him down and kiss him to try and make him forgive me. One simple touch was all it needed to start a frenzy, and I could see it in his eyes too. What was it? Hunger? Want? Loathing?
Travis brushed against Jordan and the sparks flew. Damn hormones, he thought. Jordan looked hurt, like his soft touch harmed her in some way. All he wanted to do was pin her up against the wall and make her understand that he wanted her so badly that it was killing him inside. Couldn’t she see that the only way for him to talk to her without blurting something out was to be mean? Sure, he didn’t really mean it, but what other way was there? How could he make her see that he loved her, utterly and unconditionally.
At least the bathroom let him have some release. He needed to get his act together already! What was he doing, playing the self pity card. She’s the one that dumped me, she’s the one who went around behind my back and lied. Not me. Travis thought bitterly while running his hands through his hair. If he didn’t leave the bathroom this minute, the teacher would come looking for him. That’s all he needed, to get in trouble on top of all this.