She’s five when she likes a boy for the first time. He’s cute, shorter than her with brown eyes and messy brown hair. He likes trucks, he likes to run and play, and most importantly he likes her. They plan their wedding because they don’t know what marriage really is or what it really means and they hold hands as they walk through the playground at recess. It’s completely innocent, completely childlike, but it’s the first time her heart pounds loud in her chest when she sees a certain person, and it’s the first time she can’t stop smiling when that same person is around. There’s no tears, no heartbreak, no scars, and when they drift apart at the age of seven, they only have happy memories.

She’s eight when she’s asked out for the first time. Boys are icky and they have cooties, so the obvious answer to her is no…but they can still be friends. He has black hair and brown eyes and is slightly shorter than her. Because, lets be honest, up until High School, most boys are.

“Lets go get ice cream today!” he tells her. She likes him as a friend, she really does, but she can’t let go of the fear that he may sneak a kiss or a hug while they’re alone. So she tells him no. Over. And Over. And Over. He finally gives up (after going to the guidance counselor) and moves on to her best friend. But he still stares at her, and she can’t help but stare at him too.

At ten she finally thinks she’s in love. It’s the boy who sits in front of her in Social Studies and she and her best friend are both after him-somewhat. There’s no fighting over him, because they don’t need to. He has a quote ‘girlfriend’ and even if he did show interest in either of them, they probably would have just shot him down. Because, lets be honest, despite her pounding heart and butterfly-induced stomach, boys are still icky and she still would never kiss one. And, to be honest, she’s confused. Was she supposed to feel this way about boys at so young? Was feeling this way even normal? So she just stares at him-a lot. And he just scribbles K+G on his side of the desk. And even though her heart breaks every time he writes his girlfriends initial and not hers, she doesn’t do anything about it. She just stares.

In 7th grade she falls hard. Twice. It’s two completely different guys and two completely different feelings. The first one is the blond, popular, jerk who controls the school. The second boy is the sweet, brunette, 8th grader from her tennis camp. Neither of them really notices her and this time it really kills her. The Jerk at least knows she exists. They have the same classes and he’s always bothering her. Sitting on her lap, playing with her hair, and poking her with pencils. For some odd reason she finds it endearing and goes to school everyday just to see him. He’s still a jerk though, and flirts with practically everything that breathes. The Sweet boy is completely different. He is a momma’s boy and the only time they REALLY talk is when their parents make them. He’s cute though and is always saying the right thing and giving her that adorable half grin. And she falls SO hard. For both boys, really. She’s confused about liking both of them at the same time, but her mom tells her its normal and the heart wants what the heart wants. It doesn’t matter in the end because neither of them asks her out and by the next year she gives neither of them a second thought.

She has a boyfriend in 8th grade. It’s the same boy who asked her out at 8, and even though he got cuter and older, she still never really falls for him that hard. They get as far as holding hands and the night he tries to kiss her she breaks up with him.

At 13 she has a stupid crush. He’s 2 years older than her and is her older cousins best friend. She’s known him since she was 4 and he was 6 but she never really noticed him before. Until one day she did. And boy did she like what she saw. He’s always nice to her, high fiving her in the hall way on her first day of High School and always cheering her on during her tennis matches. So, when she has her first kiss at 14 with her ex from 8th grade, she naturally pretends it’s him that she’s kissing. He’s totally charming and she falls harder every time she sees him. But she knows he only sees her as the 4 year old who played trucks with him and somehow she’s ok with that. He makes her feel special, and even though it hurts whenever he puts his arm around some other, older girl, her heart never really breaks. And when he’s a senior and she’s a sophomore, and he’s an asshole and she looks older, she realizes he never really had her heart in the first place.

She falls in love at 15. It starts off as a loathing. She thinks he’s a jerk (a cute jerk, but nevertheless, a jerk) and tries to stay as far away from him as she can. It doesn’t work out though, as they go to the same tennis club, and by their 3rd meeting she realizes that he’s actually kind of sweet. And smart. And funny. So, when she sees him watching her match one day and he goes out of his way to compliment her, she finds herself looking for him every time she goes to the club. And going to extra fitness just to train with him. And looking him up on instagram, and facebook, and twitter… and before she knows it she’s doomed. She officially loves him. And wow does it hurt. She feels like she’s on cloud 9 if he just looks at her but when they’re separated her heart crumbles into a thousand pieces. She’s never felt so dependent on one person and she just wants it to stop. She likes him, why doesn’t he like her? Tons of boys like her, the kid in her Spanish class, the boy she met at that one party, her friend from middle school…so…why can’t he like her too? She’s tired of feeling so lost without him, and if this is what love feels like, she doesn’t know if it’s worth it.

Her first serious boyfriend is in her junior year. He’s cute, on the soccer team, and looks at her like she’s the best thing in the world. She really likes him and has never been happier. He’s a year older than her, so when he leaves for college they break up. She’s upset, but somehow she knows she’ll be ok.

Her freshman year of college she comes back for Thanksgiving break and meets a boy at her old tennis club. They talk, and soon she realizes that she knows him. It’s the boy she fell in love with all those year before, the boy who she hated, then liked, and then loved. They meet up again, and again, and again. And he soon tells her that he liked her when they were 15 and she laughs because they wasted so much time. He then tells her that he likes her even more now and so she takes a chance and kisses him. And she never wants to stop.