Wednesday October 2nd
Dear Diary,

Have you ever known someone or done something or even damn eaten anything that you feel was the greatest thing in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE.

Cole is that something.

We’ve been dating for long time, but my feelings toward him don’t seem to change no matter what happens.

Nothing can change this.

This morning he told me he wants to lose his virginity to me. Do you know what it feels like to win the golden ticket out of a chocolate bar. Probably not because only Charlie knows what that feels like. How bout winning the lottery? Most likely not that either.

This concept is so so so so so scary, but I know I want this too. We’re young and in love. There isn’t anything better and I honestly just can’t wait for that day to come.

The physical part. I am scared. I am frightened. I feel special though.

What happens before and after is how I know that he is the one that can fill this job. I don’t mean it’s like a type of employment or anything. But I mean its something that will happen sometime in my futre and what better time for it to happen now.

I assume it will be this Friday. I mean I hope. I have plans tomorrow night but nothing Friday.

I hope we go to the goose.

I hope its perfect. I know that it will be.

But we’ll see…

It will be a good moment.

-ME



Thursday October 3rd
Dear Diary,

Yesterday something happened that you would never ever believe. Something that I can’t write down exactly what happened because I’m scared he’ll find it. I’m scared someone will find it and he’ll get in trouble. I will get in trouble from him.

It was 3:00 AM and I was leaving a party down at the beach. I drove my friends to and from the party. My friends were heavily intoxicated so I wanted to get them home after their parents were asleep so they didn’t get in trouble. I was looking out for them. My night had all good intentions. I didn’t think I would be the one to get caught in a sticky situation.

I never thought something like this would happen to me.

I was talking to a friend I hadn’t seen for a while and my alarm clock rang at 2:45 giving me a warning to text group chat to tell them all that they had 15 minutes before we had to leave. I texted group chat and to my surprise, all four of them were standing by my side in five minutes. I giggled as they stumbled over their feet AND their words telling me how much they loved and appreciated me looking out for them.

Walking outside of the house we saw cans EVERYWHERE, even the mailbox was laying on the ground. But it was also very, very quiet when we came outside. It was strange. Obviously my crazy girls didn’t even notice it over them belting “We Can’t Stop” by Miley Cyrus. I got in the drivers seat, made sure everyone had their seat belts on and played the song they would not stop screaming.

I dropped them off at each of their pitch black houses, thank god their families were all asleep. But I noticed something when I pulled out of the driveway at the beach.

An army green, vintage BMW, covered in rust had been following me. He had been going about ten MPH less than I had been going.

On my way home he pulled up next to me at the red light outside my street. I pretended like I didn’t see him. He got out of his car and opened the back door. The last girl I dropped off forgot to shut it. Shaking, I looked in the rear view mirror and his dark green eyes glared at me.

“What’s your name pretty girl?”

“Get out of my car, I will call 911.”

The man didn’t say anything but a laugh that seemed to haunt me.

“Oh no you won’t sweetie. Cuz if you do that I will have to use this on you”

He showed me the shinning silver handgun under his jacket.

“What do you want from me.” I Have never ever been this scared in my life.

I can’t say anything else because if ANYONE finds this, my life will be ruined.

Long story short he made me drive to a dead end down a street I never knew existed.

That Thursday night will be a Thursday I know I will never forget. Can I look at Cole the same way I did before. Why couldn’t he have been with me. Maybe things would have been different. Diary I am scared.

-ME




Friday October 4th
Dear Diary,

So today is the day. Today is the day I will forget every single detail about last week. It’s irrelevant. Who am I kidding- my life is changed. But it’s time to move slowly away in order to focus on the thing I have been looking forward. Cole told me to wear something ‘just as pretty as my face’ tomorrow night because he’d be knockin on my front door at 7:00. On the dot. I think he’s bringing me to the Goose. It’s been my favorite restaurant since the days I ran around in a diaper that wasn’t going to be ripped off after dinner. Sorry I don’t mean to be naughty, but this is something that I have never really thought about. How does it work? What if it’s not perfect?

Cole is the only person that understands me 100% and accepts me for who I am…. even though I’ve changed since last week….

It’s currently 2:00; I just got home from school. My eyes have been glued to me closet the past hour and the only thing I can think about is how I do not have ANYTHING to wear. I have NOTHING that will stand out to him and make him think, Samantha is the prettiest girl in the entire world.













Dear Diary,

I was wrong.

The first thing he said when I opened the door as 7:00 was “you are the most gorgeous girl I have ever laid eyes on”. My heart fluttered. My body felt like a wonderland that was only supposed to be in story tales and dreams, but that moment, Cole made me feel like I was on the earth for a reason, not just to be loved, not just to be pretty, but he made me feel a feeling I’ve never felt before because I was now a girl that stood out to someone with positivity.

He took me to the Goose. Go figure. As usual I got my steak frites and he got the lobster Mac n’ cheese. Our favorites. Everything felt so normal though, I didn’t think about how my life was affected, I didn’t think about our plans after dinner, nothing was on my mind but that fact together, at that moment, we were infinite.

I’m going to skip over the dirty details and head straight to tell you about when he dropped me off. I just can’t get over the pounding of my heart when he dropped me off at my front door:

Silence filled the air with only the crinkle and scratch of the hued leaves falling from the neighborhood trees. I stood o the fourth step outside my front door and I watched him drive away. The full moon lit up the midnight sky. That moment, standing outside alone, in silence, that moment felt like there wasn’t a worry in the world. A chill came across my nose reminding me I couldn’t stay out there forever. As much as I really wanted to. With a smile that couldn’t seem to disappear, I walked through the front door to the scent of homemade chocolate chip banana bread. My favorite. I rushed to a plate calling my name at the kitchen table. Underneath the plate my eye caught a glance of a small pink note folded up hot dog style. In black glitter marker it read:

I LOVE YOU SAMANTHA.
~COLE

I put my plate in the dishwasher and headed up stairs. I put on my pajama pants with all the monkeys and his sweatshirt that he gave me on our very first date. His scent was still all over it and at that moment…..again…..i felt a sensation that could never be repeated.

-ME