TW: guns, violence


“Bang!”

I got shot. To my disbelief, I was dying. My opponent was standing right in front of me, holding her gun and laughing.

A sunny afternoon followed days of storms and dark clouds. At the center of the sandless beach, over rocks and pebbles, we were face to face, pointing guns at each other. The wind was powerless to even stir my hair. For an experienced soldier like me, it was a perfect day for battle. Holding a sure card in my hand, I smiled and turned around. 

“Three...two...one.” We shouted as we stepped forward. 

I turned back and steadily lifted my gun. Once my bullet was fired, everything would finally end. The battle had lasted too long and already become a daily routine. It must be hard for her to be my opponent for such a long time. I am so powerful and invincible. For me, she shouldn’t be my vital enemy. She was not a big deal, but just an arbitrary side character who sometimes brought me small troubles: apparently I ignored the new cut on my arm this morning. It was her masterpiece. 

Here it came to her final execution. A perfect ending was needed. All I needed to do was to fire an easy gunshot. I thought the weather that day would foreshadow my victory, but I underestimated the delicate fragility of a serene ocean surface with gigantic waves beneath.  

Did I lose? No, no, I must be in my nightmare. Same as those unexpected monsters with red eyes in dark shadows who jumped on and choked me, my death must be a new element in my recent nightmares. No, no, it was not my nightmare. It was the reality. The bullet was in my brain before I had a chance to bask in my victory. All I knew was the gentle wind turned into a tornado in front of me. All I saw was the eye of evil winking at me. 

Yes. I lost my last battle, in my favorite place, in perfect weather, when I’d been so sure I would win. I was destined to die in a state of confusion. The sound of the shooting haunted my now-empty head. My body lay on the ground amid the deafening echo of gunfire – as if a freight train running over me. Why is the eye I saw monolid and in almond shape? It looked exactly the same to my eye. Why did I see relief in this eye? It should be arrogant and wicked. Why was I in such a state of Schrodinger's cat? Did I die?

The feeling was…strangely familiar, as if I had experienced it in the past.

After all, when I saw the eye of evil, I already realized something.

“Bang!” A childish voice imitated a firing gun. A kid pointed her index finger at a little girl. Her thumb bent. Then the little girl ran away screaming, and blended into the sandless beach, expecting the call of her parents.  

“Bang!” A limp, clumsy body was slammed against a wall. A group of middle schoolers screamed, “You dirty, nerdy, fat b***h, we’ll make you eat your shoes!!” What could today’s excuse be when she faced her dubious parents? If they knew all these, she would be dead: her classmates would kill her or her parents would be disappointed and fix her with family rules such as pulling her ear or caning her palm.

“Bang!” Irate parents slapped their daughter and the room fell into silence. 

“Bang!” A scene from an action movie. I sat in the dark cinema, watching a gory scene. Suddenly the shooter’s face turned into mine. Horrified, I ran away from the screening room.

“Bang!” The door was shut behind me. Seeing my bleeding arm, parents smiled with their lips shaking, “My child, it’s just some adolescent issues. Not a big deal.” They patted my shoulder with comfort, but my body cowered. Their curses from days ago were still haunted, “What makes you loaf everyday, lazy-*ss? Your laziness, your ignorance or your born evilness? Why not learn from your peers, they are always so excellent, unlike you...” I wanted to be productive, but there was something wrong with my mind. I saw disdain was hidden deeply in their eyes. It pricked. I only let out a small whimper, because I knew my tears wouldn’t bring relief, only more taunts and lectures. 

“Bang!” A phone was thrown from the 13th floor, screen flickering, text messages taunting “It must be your fault. Depression is a lie.” 

“Bang!” A pamphlet hit the wall. A shadow sat in front of a white wall, shaking in disbelief. The cover of the pamphlet read, “Mental Health Evaluation and Suggestions.” Then the shaking shadow crawled to the pamphlet and drew a large cross with a red marker on the cover.

“Bang!” I dropped a plate and it shattered. Was there a way to escape from dizziness and the fear of reality?  

“Bang!” Trembling, I shut down the streaming YouTube web page. Weaving my hands with my eyes closed, the scene of the car collision haunted still. “Do the drivers feel… relieved?”

“Bang!” A pebble was tossed into the sea. I lay down on the sandless beach and closed my eyes. No wind. But my body was shaking as if the wind pushed terrified me forcefully. My sanctuary, the serene sea and beach, eventually couldn’t shield me from dizziness. “Oh, my safe place, my last fort, I am going to lose you forever.” I thought while my innocent childhood memories were flashing in front of my eyes. The last image was a little girl hiding and begging to the sky. I knew she would cry very soon, when the gunner in the childish game found her. I also knew she would be labeled as “crybaby” ever since.

“Bang!” Watching into my eyes in the window at night, gradually, I had this unusual excitement that led me to do whatever came through my mind. Slowly I lifted my right hand with the index finger pointing at my vague figure. With the hopeful smile of dispersing the evil screaming in my heart, my thumb bent.

“Bang!” A fresh dead body lay on the beach. Her face turned toward the sea, a hole in her head. A mixture of red and white liquids poured from the hole and seeped into the cracks of the rocks underneath her. Her eyes still preserved the last sight she saw, the serene sea waves. A gun, still smoldering, was clutched in her right hand. 

“Bang!” At this moment, hearing this gunshot, my soul seemed to be deprived of my body. I was floating, as free as a seagull. In an instant, I was in such a blurry state between living and death. Maybe I had already died at the very beginning of my life and I became a walking dead for many years. But now I decided to use my own judgment. I recognized my evil. I embraced her. The floating soul kissed the body on the sandless beach.  

“Bang!” The sound of the explosion brought me back to my body.

“Bang!” Being dazed, the time traced back to my childhood. As in my memory, the same kid with a blurry face was pointing her gun toward me and about to fire her gun. At this time I didn’t cry or throw away my shot. Instead, I stood steadily and shot my bullet. Did I win the duel? Yes, of course. I won, with the roar of death.