I stood there, my body shaking, quivering. The clear water loomed near me, so translucent I could almost see the squirmy fish, blobbing around and blowing bubbles in the lake. There were no other sounds around me, aside from the slow steady pace of the flowing water. The trees glistened in the shadows. I watched the leaves fall, each one quietly landing on the ground like a graceful swan on a lake. 

Darkness flooded the air, deeply engraving the sky with gloom. It was very dark, so dark many people would think it was night time. The clouds hovered around the sky, shielding the bright sun from sight. They blocked out all the joy and brightness and replaced it with sorrow and misery. The same feelings going through my mind. 

My mind flashed back to the day's prior events. Eighty people sitting on the edge of their seats, anxiously waiting. One person called up. Me. Eighty people sitting in shock. Looking at me. Half of them were angry, and the other half delighted it hadn’t been them. Everyone, though, was confused to some degree. Confused about who I was, why it was me again, or simply why everyone else was so confused.

Each of the 432 districts was going through the same thing. At the same time. The only difference was that this was the second time I’d been chosen. Usually the people who dismiss their first offer don’t get called up again for an opportunity. That's how it’s always been at least. 

When it happened the first thing I looked at was the grimy green hedges that had become blurry to my vision once I found out what was going on. Then the 80 pairs of eyes and dots of faces, staring down at the ground in dismay. That's when I had left. Ran as fast as I could to the large old cliff. 

The cliff had always been by spot. I went to the cliff when dad left after being chosen to ‘go’. That was when I had found the cliff to begin with. Then when my best friend, named Mila got transferred to another district. And always after that when I needed a quiet space. And then now. 

I hugged my knees and buried my head in my chest. Being chosen is about the worst thing that can happen. No matter what I did, I would live the rest of my life in regret. I hated the system. I hated the districts. I hated everything created for our so called ‘protection’. It was just a way of getting us under their skin. Turning us into robots, following a laid out life. 

I knew everyone was aware that the system was totally messed up. I knew it. But no one ever said anything. No one had ever even experienced life without it. Well, you know besides The Squad, the name for people who had left, just like dad. And no one had any way of knowing what the regular world looked like. Or if there even was one. Until they decided to join The Squad. Or did not join it. 

I didn’t know why they chose me twice. If I were in charge I would never consider the people who had turned down the offer. I would think of them as wastes and move on to new people who actually had a chance of saying yes. I didn’t know why they chose me again. Maybe it was because they had forgotten that I had been chosen before. Or maybe it was that they didn’t want to have anyone going this year, and they knew I would say no. I don’t know why that would be the case but it could be possible. But I couldn’t help thinking that maybe there was another reason. Maybe it ran in the family. I know dad had gone, but my family history before that was hazy in my mind.  

They wanted us to be as oblivious to the world as possible. That way, we had no way of knowing what to choose, that is if we got chosen. And if we did go, it could be another scheme to win us over. But at least we would live life knowing. Knowing that we were brave enough to take the chance. 

I thought of my father. The letter he wrote me before communication from us to them was blocked. I tried to rewrite it in my mind. I sometimes do this for comfort. Dad always knew what to say to help. Whether it was something funny to make me laugh or something so philosophical that I would realize it was accurate. 

These things made me want to go. If I went, I would get a better chance of possibly seeing my father. I didn’t even remember what he looked like. I couldn’t even face the reality of seeing him. I hadn’t seen him in so long. I had pretty much filled in his gap and lived my life around him. Figured he was too long gone to ever come back. And now, I had the chance of possibly seeing him again. 

If I went, I would lose my life, my mom, my past. Whether my life was a nightmare or a dream, it would all be gone. For the better, or for the worse. 

Most people would go and risk it. But some wouldn’t. Many people thought they would go for sure, until they got chosen and turned down the offer. You never know how scary something will be until it actually happens. 

Last time, I turned back at the last moment. Too scared of what the future would offer. Taken on the burden of being looked down upon, the shame of all the people who had known that I should have taken the opportunity. And they were right, I should have. 

I felt a slow but steady tap on my back. I knew who it was, so I didn’t turn around. “Let's go,” I confidently said.