I just got home and I'm checking my voicemail when all of a sudden I see a little blue blob oozing around my yard. I run outside and it looks at me with a weird green eye on a purple stalk. It smells terrible like rotten eggs. I take a picture and it screams and starts chasing me around yelling gibberish. This stupid little blob won't stop chasing me and it's driving me insane every time I think I lost it or out ran it. It appears just around the corner all because I took a picture  to send to everyone on the planet to prove the existence of aliens. I'm not even safe in my own house! I finally just locked myself in my room. It's sitting just outside. Then suddenly there's a knock at the window. I look over and it's gesturing for me to open the window. I don't. I open the door and run outside . There are three more now chasing me. I run into the first building I see brushing inflatable ghosts, skeletons and zombies out of the way and locking myself into the bathroom. What a way to spend halloween. Suddenly I hear the blobs gibberishing more rapidly than a silence then one shouts and there's a massive bang on the bathroom door. The hinges start to come off “bang” the door flies off its hinges. I see the blobs they have tentacles now and are holding guns. They are wearing what appears to be body armor for blobs and have little tactical helmets on their stalks. One is holding a big hammer and it looks like he used it to knock the door down. I stick my hands strait in the air and sink to my knees they start gibberishing again and gesturing with their guns one grabs me with its tentacles its skin looks and feels like a slug or snails skin and there are little pockets all over it skin the tentacles come out of one of these. They take me to what looks like a swat car but I have no idea how they got that. I sit in the van straitjacketed. My ankles are manacled together, and the blobs are gibberish quietly amongst themselves.I look around trying to find someway to escape. Suddenly the aliens buckle me down then do the same for themselves they shout something to the driver and everything goes waitless. 

Then all of a sudden there's gravity again the door opens and i see a ton of blobs all armed im unbuckled and shuffled out of the van into what seems like a hangar with our van some saucers and some very star wars esc spaceship things im taken out of a hanger down a hallway labeled s bunch of lines all crisscrossed  and weird looking as we go by i see a blob dressing up as santa and my whole world flips upside down … not that being kidnapped by alien slugy fbi blobs wasn't already crazy but i have believed in santa my whole life. I even met him once at like midnight. We had a conversation. I said hi and… he responded… “lhsfbvlsdvbaljf;adbvlwhefv;ewnv;wugf.” it can't be true there's just no way but then why is santa so big but with noodle arms? maybe it's because they really are noodles sants arms are made out of noodles. I stare at the blobby santa crying as we pass before I'm hustled into what appears to be a questioning room. They chain my straight jacket to the table in the middle of the room and make me sit down before strapping my legs to the chair. I wait about 30 seconds before a very official looking blob saunters in. There is  a stick man pinned in its skin and it wears a police hat on top. it comes up very casually before slamming the table with a tentacle that appears out of nowhere and yelling at me. it gives me a second before giberishing to itself quietly. it giberishes at me dismissively and gives me a very final wave giving me the impression of “fine u want it the hard way then” before walking out. then it and 2 other blobs come back. One  has a stickman pinned to its chest just like the original and one is carrying a bunch of stuff including my phone, a car battery and some wires. He can be the labor blob. The labor blob carrying all the stuff puts most of the stuff on the table, sets up some round looking seats, and walks out. the other blobs hop up onto the seats. They give me my phone and in a deadly tone gibberish at me gesturing at my phone. I cock my head because I don't know what they want. The new one starts to hook up wires to the car battery. I unlock my phone. It stops hooking up wires. One takes my phone and walks out on some of its tentacles. I never noticed before but they use small ones on the bottom to “walk”. The other one sits and stares at me. Its partner comes back. Hops up on the seat and stares. Then it gibberishes. I literally don't know what it is saying. They hook the car battery to my straight jacket. I guess they don't understand how electricity works because literally it does nothing. They mutter angrily and  take off the straight jacket. i pretend to get one hand stuck in the jacket and use the other one to unstrap my legs from the seat. then i take my hand out of the straight jacket and push the original one into the other. I run through the entry hole? There's no door, so entry hole. I grab my phone from the blob who is sitting in a chair completely confused by the concept of youtube. The room I'm in now is completely empty except for monsieur blob over here. I run out through another entry hole and down the hall I came through to get here. I stop at Santa. I run in the room and start screaming at him. No words literally just “AAAAAAAAAAAAA”. He looks at me and gives me a little earbud looking thing. I throw it at him and continue screaming. He mimes talking. I do it back then continue screaming. I hear a bunch of wet slaps behind me and turn around to swat blobs. Then I feel something in my ear.

The swat bobs scream back at me but I can understand it. They are yelling at me to get on the ground. I scream at them and run at them then jump over their heads. I never noticed it but they are like 3 feet tall. I hit the ground running and go towards the hangar I came from originally.  i run straight to a rack on the wall holding what looks like guns. I grab one but there's no trigger. I look it over really quickly and see a hole on the back end. I stick my finger in it. Nothing happens. Then a blob that ran up while I was examining the gun grabs it from the front flicks a switch and pulls a trigger. It feels like I got hit by a taser and I can't move. The blob skitters up, calls me an idiot and shuts my eyes. When I regain control of my bodily functions I'm sitting in a chair across from Santa who is reading a book. He looks up and says “ahh good ur functioning again. Let's start all this over again. I'm Bob the blob though you know me as santa.” I feel an undeniable urge to run, fight, scream, shoot, punch, and blow stuff up. I scream in his face again. After Im done he says perfectly calmly “what's your name”. I say “Im am not at liberty to disclose that information.” He leans in close and says “ What. Is. Your. Name.” I say “ classified” he leans back and says “Fine then at least tell me what you did to poor Sebastian.” Now I lean close and whisper”I took his picture.”  Bobs leans back “ well” he says in a shaky voice “im sure you could be convinced to delete it.” “I dont know.” I say “what's in it for me.” He tells me “freedom.” “nope not good enough.” I replied. He sits there spluttering and I use the momentary pause in the conversation to think about why I can understand these things all of a sudden. It must have been that earbud I decide. It must be some kind of translator. Then I tell Bob that blobs are stupid and I could escape anytime I want because I can't let him have any kind of leverage for that must be all mine. “Fine, what do you want?” he asks. I think about that and decide on 2 things. Number one i need to know what's up with the whole santa thing cause that really bugs me and number two i kinda want money and what better way than selling alien spaceships to the highest bidder. I ask him for these things and he says “ I am Santa. I use the disguise to gather intelligence on your species and whether or not it's possible for us to coexist. As for your second request I can't give you blueprints or even an actual ship, it's simply not possible.” I say “ well guess I can’t delete the photos. Also its blue prints and a ship not one or the other.” He sighs “ Fine. But if we hear one thing about aliens from  earth I'm going to put hot coals in your stocking this christmas.” I smile inwardly “excellent now I shall delete the photo after I have pictures of the blueprints and a ship.” he hands me my phone and asks someone outside the entry way for blueprints to their ships. I copy the pictures of the alien and hide them in a random file from work. Then once the blueprints come in i take pictures and do the same with them. I then show him how to delete the pictures and let him do it himself. He takes far too long which makes me thankful I copied the blueprints and hid them. When he hands my phone back the originally blue prints are gone. “You may have a ship and nothing more," he says and walks out. Once  more I smile inwardly. I chase after him yelling about how this wasn't the deal but he just ignores me. He walks to one of the saucers and gestures for me to get inside a door that opens out of the side. As the door shuts behind me I shake my fist futilely at him. Once the door shuts, I find my way to the cockpit with a very helpful English instruction manual labeled “Your First Flight in a Saucer”. Once I figured out the very intuitive flight controls I set the auto pilot for the Pentagon. As soon as I get the internet again which is about 10,000 feet above Washington DC, I copy the photos again and upload them to the cloud. Then I have the saucer land right outside the pentagon. When I get out there are a bunch of guys with guns outside. I smile and say in my most alien voice “Take me to your leader” then i say in a normal voice “no but really i found aliens and have ship schematics”. Once I get approved to meet a few generals I show them the pictures and the blueprints and tell them everything I know. Then I tell them I will sell them the schematics for 4 billion dollars. knowing i could get much more but also that i will never use that much money. They agree however they tell me i'm going to have to agree to move somewhere they can watch me. I agree and go start my new life.