Te lightbringer | Teen Ink

Te lightbringer

June 11, 2010
By Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

Lurking in the shadows of the world is a strange kind of beast. Made from the darkness, fire and hatred of man, they are former humans that were caught up in the act of war. They have long been roaming the earth but their populations have recently been growing. On the outside they look slightly human with a dark glow and the power of fire burning in their eyes. They have flaming red hair and almost black eyes. The humans they once were, are long gone, replaced by a being consumed by hatred. They are called Fire Eyes.

As soon as humans realized their existence we created a whole new race out of light, love and earth to protect and rid us of the Fire Eyes. This new race, unlike the Fire Eyes, has a soul and a personality. They have shining silver hair and deep blue eyes; their features are striking and angular. Most of them are tall and thin. These people are marked on their left wrist with the ancient's symbol for light. It is a silver marking that looks like a half heart with a slightly curved line and an orb inside of it. They are called Lightbringers.

For months the Fire Eyes have been hunting down and killing the Lightbringers. They made an oath that they would destroy each and every one of the creatures that could oppose them. And one by one the Lightbringers have been dying. So what does this have to do with me? I have a four year old sister named Emily. She's the very last Lightbringer left. And they are coming for her.

Our parents died years ago, whether by freak accident or by the Fire Eyes nobody knows. They were also Lightbringers, very dedicated to their service. The reason why I am not like them is due to the ancient restrictions of Lightbringer populations. It was made so that the Light Bringers can have as many children as they want but only one of them can be a Lightbringer. Lightbringers can also have a Lightbringer child with a human. So, lucky me, I got stuck being a human, a weak, unimportant, human. I had to drop out of school to protect my sister now that my parents were gone.

Emily and I live in an abandoned apartment in New York. We scrounge for food because nobody wants to hire a thirteen year old drop out.

I brush my too-long black hair out of my bright green eyes, sighing as I wait for the bus. "Hey Emmy" I say to Emily. "What do you want for your birthday next week?" Her rosy cheeks and blue eyes lights up with an excited smile.

"I want a Barbie Haley!" she shrieks to me, tossing her long arms around my neck. I stroke her silver curls, humming an ancient lullaby. We board the old bus, slipping past the driver before he can ask for our money. I worked hard to get the twenty dollars I squeezed tightly in my hands, and I am not going to give it to some bus driver. After we are dropped off at Save-a-lot we buy some food. Only the necessities though, because next month I might not be able to get enough money so we might have to use the little we have saved. We walk home then. As we enter the building I am affronted by a horrible sight. The little haven we had been able to scrounge up for ourselves was gone, everything torn to pieces or burnt to a crisp. The horrid smell of fire threatened to choke me as I tried to salvage what was left of our belongings. They had been here. They are looking for her. They are getting closer. We have to move.

I toss Emily unto my back and rush upstairs and find a large backpack for me and a small one for Emily. I pack the small amount of extra clothes we had left and two blankets into hers and I stuff the food and money into mine. Then we run. We run as close to the airport as we can manage today. Then, exhausted, we find a tiny forest and use one blanket and branches to build a shelter for the night. I give her the blanket, she'll need it more, then I nod off to sleep.

I hear a noise and am suddenly awake and alert. They are here. I can smell their presence. It's like the smell of smoke, like the smell of the apartment earlier. I can tell there are no more than two; even so, it will be a miracle if I can get out of here alive, with Emily. I pretend to sleep as they edge closer… Closer… SMACK! I jump into the air and whirl my foot around in a kick that hits one with such impact that they fly ten feet backward. I hurriedly drop to the floor as I just barely dodge a ball of fire that was aimed at my head and spin with my foot still stuck out. I bring him to the ground with a kick to his shin and jump on top of him. His skin burns my flesh although I stay where I am. My fist pounds into his gut as Emily wakes up. Without knowing what she is doing she commands the trees' vines to bind him down along with the other. I am panting as I scoop her, the bags, and the blankets into my arms and sprint to the airport.

When there I set Emily down beside me on a bench and formulate a plan. I walk over to a woman who is texting with her purse sitting under her seat. I crouch down behind her as Emily creates a diversion. Lip-gloss, Ipod, gum… Here it is. Wallet. I carefully unzip it and take out the cash; surprisingly there is six hundred dollars under a visa card. Remorse fills me as I put the wallet back in the purse without the six hundred dollars. In the gift shop I find a map that I used to locate the most northern city in Canada. It's almost winter so the weather there will be extremely cold. Fire Eyes can't go to places that cold. So that's where we'll go. I bribe an older man to buy us plane tickets for the soonest flight there then wait for three hours as the plane flies to our airport.

It finally arrives then and we board without complications. The ride there drags on and on, it feels as if time were at a standstill. Then with a smooth landing we arrive. The snow covered path we follow after we get off the plane is said to lead to a safe house for Lightbringers. And I hope, for Emily's sake, that it is still standing.

As we trudge on weeks later the snow storms grow worse and more frequent, our food supply is dwindling and I have now given Emily both of the blankets because I am afraid what will happen to her if she isn't warm enough. The snow keeps coming, the cold is growing and I am truly afraid.

The frost bites into my fingers like a ravenous lion. The pain. All I can think about is the pain. But I welcome it. I welcome anything that will keep my little Emily safe, anything that will ease her suffering. That is the worst of the torture, the thing that makes me shudder still, even when the wind slows. Seeing her once rosy cheeks turn pale and watching the energy slowly drain from her. If the storm doesn't kill me first It will surely drive me mad and what then? How will my precious Emily survive for even a day's time without me here to hide her from the cold or catch the scarce, small rabbit stupid enough to venture out in this torrent of wind and ice for the rare meal? No, it will not do me in. I will not let the clammy grip of death or madness or any other plague drag me away from my Emily. And out of those there will be only one winner in this ongoing fight. Despite the wind's strengthening blows against my weakening resistance, it will be me.

My arms tremble as I carry her, my foot bumps something then and I trip, sending us both tumbling. Brushing the snow off the spot where I tripped my heart lifts with joy and then sinks again. This is the safe house's roof, but there is no way I can dig down to it. The earth suddenly shudders and I am thrown to the side with a mound of snow as vines digs their way to the surface. I get up and wrap my arms around Emily then I see that her mark is glowing, a sign that she is using her power. I look down and realize that she used her vines to dig to the door of the house. We scramble into the house and turns on the battery operated lights and heaters. We glow with our accomplishment as we raid the cupboards and find that it is stocked with non perishable foods.

We spend our winter there and I train Emily as mother and father taught me to. The whole time I have a plan though, because I know what's coming. The winter is fading rapidly and in a few days it will be spring. The snow is melting and we are starting to see hints of green splattered everywhere. They will be coming soon.

The smell hits me. The burning, familiar smell. Then I hear the pounding of a thousand running feet and the panting of a thousand tired bodies. They are coming. They are all coming.

I take Emily in my arms as the Fire eyes fill up the field in front of the safe house. They look like a cloud of smoke and flames, come from hell to kill and destroy. "Do you remember what I told you?" I ask Emily, hugging her for the last time.

"Yes Haley." She nods. I grab the phone and dial 911, telling them that there is an abandoned girl and giving them the location of the house. I will not be here to take care of her after this is over. We walk proudly outside and fear grips my heart. I know what to do. We are greeted with the battle cry of hate hungry monsters. There is a solution. One word, accompanied with a motion that will rip the life away from the person who speaks it. One word that will transfer that energy into the Lightbringer receiving the motion. One word that, when said while two fingers are placed on a Lightbringer's mark, will unleash an attack so fierce and lethal that not one Fire Eye will escape. I place my fingers on her mark as a thousand fire balls are hurled toward us and whisper into Emily's ear.

"I love you." One word… One word… "Zaliph!" The ancient word for death is out of my lips before I can talk myself out of it. There is a shudder then a flash as my life sputters out and one thousand Fire Eyes release one last shriek before dying. I hear the sad cries of a little girl as I breathe my last breath.

The author's comments:
I wanted to write something and original that had family love as opposed to romantic.

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This article has 27 comments.

on Jun. 14 2010 at 7:05 am
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

Thank you for your feedback! and i am in middle school! :)

insaneex GOLD said...
on Jun. 13 2010 at 10:10 pm
insaneex GOLD, Falmouth, Virginia
12 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The greatest thing you ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."

Great start, work on it but it's getting there :)

on Jun. 13 2010 at 9:14 pm

Simon Cowel feedback--you asked for it!

Not bad! But frankly, this story needs a lot of work. The introduction/explanation of fire eyes vs lightbringer should have been explained at a different time and in a different way, maybe set aside in a prologue... but it just didn't fit in the sequence that you had which was:

1 This is what fire eyes are.

2 this is what lightbringers are.

3. This is what happened to our parents and here we are.

4. Alright, now that we've gotten all that out of the way, let's narrate!!!

I would hit the ground running with the narration. Start with "Hey Emmy" (and DO NOT include "I say to Emily" because "Hey Emmy" already indicates that Emily is being spoken to, and then "she shrieks, tossing her long arms around my neck" indicates that she is replying to the narrator.)

From there, read what you have out loud to yourself. See what sounds good and what doesn't. Delete the stuff that's unnecessary, keep the stuff that's good.

Unrealistic stuff: Any bus driver (especially in NYC) would DEMAND money--even from kids.

Unless you're going for a dystopic society, nobody in America would allow a 13 year old and 4 year old to live by themselves in a crappy appartment, practically starving.

Towards the end they call 911 which would imply that they can or hope to get help from the police--the government. This is paradoxical to previous statements made by the narrator, who said that nobody would be willing to help a 13-year old drop out. Even if people would be willing to help him out, he feels like they wouldn't--so why would he bother calling 911 if he feels like he's on his own?

But then again, this is YOUR fantasy, and YOUR story, so if you want it to be Oliver Twist in NYC--keep it that way. I'm always paranoid about how realistic things are in my stories--even if they're sci-fi. maybe that's just me.

Your story has a very young voice. It reminds me of a lot of the stuff I wrote when I was younger and first started getting serious about writing (This was back in middle school--I'm about to be a senior in HS now) I can see that you have a great imagination and a lot of sentences you used in here were really good. With that said, your writing in general for this piece has a lot of room for improvement. That doesn't mean it's bad, it just means it needs work. Keep working on this. I'd like to see how it turns out after some editing and stuff. I can see this has a lot of potential--it already characterizes Emily and her brother pretty well and there's parts that are very well narrated.

So keep writing! And don't forget to edit too. I've been working on (re-writing and editing) the same novel for 5 years and each year i finally think I have it right--then a year later i look back on it and I'm like "Man, that sucked. I'm a much better writer now and I'm gonna turn this into a masterpiece!" While every year I'm still not yet the writer I hope to become, I get a lot closer. The same thing is true of this story--it won't necessarily take you years to make it a masterpiece, but I can see it happening if you keep working at it. If you want, after you fix it up, I'll look at it again and I might be able to find more specific things you can work on. But it would help you improve more to find them yourself.

Keep up the good work!

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 13 2010 at 4:32 pm
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

I really liked this!  It was original, definitely never heard of before.  The only thing is I thought it was moving a little too fast, and that it was a little "he said, she said."  It sounded like, we did this, then we did that, then this happened, then this happened.  But I thought it was really creative.  Keep it up :)

on Jun. 13 2010 at 9:09 am
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

thanks for the feedback. yeah i know that this is a story that needed to be longer but i wrote it for a school project so it couldn't be too long. i aslo really wanted to use this same basic storyline and characters and turn it into something more like a short novel so i can use more descriptions and explain things better than i could in this story!

Kasumi BRONZE said...
on Jun. 13 2010 at 8:59 am
Kasumi BRONZE, Mequon, Wisconsin
2 articles 0 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life can be hard and sad, but there is good things in life, too

It was a really nice story, but I think that you had a few flaws

The whole time i felt like you only told us the story instead of really showing, mostly in the start of the story. For most of the time, it felt like one second the characters were here and then some where else without explaining anything. I think this was a story plot that needed to be written longer and not so short because most of it seemed jumbled. 

on Jun. 12 2010 at 1:16 pm
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

The title is supposed to be THE lightbringer not te lightbringer. sorry!