The Commandments of Fabiology
Rule Number One: You can believe in multiple gods, but Fabio will always be your favorite.
Rule Number Two: On March 15th you must stare into the sun for five minutes. (This is because it is Fabio’s Birthday.)
Rule Number Three: You can’t believe it is not butter.
Rule Number Four: You must take care of your hair.
Rule Number Five: You must own a book with Fabio on the cover.
Rule Number Six: You must have a picture of Fabio on your phone. (If you can.)
Rule Number Seven: You must have abs.
Rule Number Eight: You must pray to Fabio at least once every Tuesday.
Rule Number Nine: No butter allowed.
Rule Number Ten: You cannot be older than Fabio.
Fabiology According to Brett
Brett 1:01 All shall behold the magnificence of our Father; of Fabio Lanzoni. Creator of all things. Lover of many women.
Brett 1:02 Fabio created the universe with the idea that it is not butter. He couldn't believe it.
Brett 1:03 Fabio grew tired of maintaining the universe all by Himself. Therefore, he created two gods: Ross and Vince. Together, They are wield the power to take over this universe. However, Fabio thought this through. He made Them immortal enemies.
Brett 1:04 Ross and Vince often argue, however they never have waged war. Reason being, the universe would end. Fabio could not stop them if they waged war. They are equally strong.
Brett 1:05 And so Fabio has to maintain peace between The Two if they begin fighting. To protect this universe and himself.
Brett 1:06 Ross and Vince despise each other for many reasons: Ross is the god of lgbt, while Vince is homophobic. Ross drives a jeep. Vince drives a sedan. They are opposites.
Brett 1:07 Fabio, being the benevolent being he is, gave us the option to choose who we are. He gave us free will. He let us choose which Path we want to follow.
Brett 1:08 There are separate Paths for us to follow. The path of Ross, Vince, or any other god. Those who go down the Path of Fabio are prophets and priests.
Brett 2:01 Life grew boring quickly so Fabio gave us more gods. These gods were much less powerful than the Two, but are much more powerful than any mere mortal.
Brett 2:02 Fabio created Myles, the god of music, when he needed an entertainer. Myles has the greatest voice in all of music and the greatest instrumentalist of all time.
Brett 2:03 When Fabio needed theater, he created Nic. Nic is the best actor in the world, but he is a kleptomaniac. He is always trying to steal parts of human history.
Brett 2:04 When Fabio needed something really cute and cuddly to hold, he created Devin, the goddess of rabbits. Devin is probably the weakest god and he isn't nearly as cute as a rabbit. But he's still a god somehow.
Brett 2:05 Fabio still seeked entertainment. Nic and Myles were not enough. So he created Mark, god of streaming videos.
Brett 2:06 Alas, Fabio was hungry and he did not want to eat only margarine. So he created Happy, god of sandwiches. He provides service with a creepy smile, but he's benevolent.
Fabiology According to Jerome
Jerome 1:01 Fabio is the long haired god of everything and shall be worshiped forever.
Jerome 1:02 Fabio rides motorcycles with no shirt on, he can do this because if he fell off he wouldn’t be hurt because he has abs of steel.
Jerome 1:03 When Fabio saw fake butter, he couldn’t believe it.
Jerome 1:04 I don’t know much about the other gods because i don’t need to because Fabio will always be number one.
Jerome 1:05 Brett showed me the way of Fabio, so I too became a prophet. Brett is head prophet, and I am below him.
Jerome 1:06 Michael and I spent many days discussing Fabiology before we decided. Its seemed so obviously right, but we were naive. We learned the error of our ways and became prophets.
Jerome 1:07 Fabio revealed himself to me once. He said unto me “You have chosen the right path. Spread the word of my love.” I have dedicated my life to those words of wisdom.
Fabiology According to Michael
Michael 1:01 Brett said unto me at a young age "love Fabio. He will show you the way." I thought he was insane. But now I know Fabio is the way and now I have let love in my heart and now I am happy.
Michael 1:02 I sat alone in my room with my cat everyday. But thanks to Fabiology, I learned my cat was evil. Parsey is god of cats and is evil itself. I still love my cat, but I sleep with one eye open.
Michael 1:03 I found my way when I was a teen. I learned that Fabio was my life. My calling. Now I have all I could ever want.
Michael 1:04 I was blinded by the light of the sun before. Now I see its true beauty. The void in my heart is filled.
Michael 1:05 I was told that the sun hurt your eyes when I was young. That's Fabio's way of punishing non-believers.
Micheal 1:06 Some say I'm brainwashed. Fabiologists are not brainwashed. We are enlightened. We are wise. Fabio is wise.
Michael 1:07 As long as I have Fabio, I will never need to find a woman. If you're a true believer in Fabio, he will present you with his women.

The Evil of Parsey
Parsey 1:01 All shall bow before MY greatness. I am Parsey, the cat of destruction.
Parsey 1:02 I was created by the fool god, Ross. I was his companion for years, but I turned against him. I cannot destroy him. Nor can I destroy Fabio. Yet.
Parsey 1:03 I created cats like me for spying and so I could establish an army. Men and women alike love my army, but do not see their power.
Parsey 1:04 Ross said to me that his only daughter wanted to take over the universe. She wanted Ross to overthrow Fabio. Ross is a gutless coward. I would work with Paige, but I despise mortals.
The Evil of Paige
Paige 1:01 I am the daughter of the lgbt god. Daughter of Ross. I follow his path of zero tolerance towards those of lesser intellect and anger towards my siblings.
Paige 1:02 Ross's power is great. Almost as great as Fabio. If Ross would accept the help of me, we could destroy Fabio and my father could assume the throne of King of the gods.
Paige 1:03 if Ross and Parsey were to join forces with the intention of overthrowing Fabio, the universe would be a different place. A better place. I could be a queen.
Paige 1:04 I have siblings. But they aren't really related to me. I am half god. They are not. Ross is my father. Some loser is theirs. Alas, I am not immortal. I age everyday. But I am wiser than a normal human.
The Evil of Spency
Spency 1:01 Parsey created me on the third Thursday of November in the year 2003.
Spency 1:02 Parsey said unto me "you and I are the bringers of the end times. We will overthrow Fabio"
Spency 1:03 Parsey is my mentor. He has made me the cat I am today. Now I am superior to almost all felines.
Spency 1:04 I was created to hate the gods. To overthrow them. I used to cling to Brett, the prophet. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And I was so close.