The Martian Battle | Teen Ink

The Martian Battle

February 12, 2016
By Amrit_A BRONZE, Larchmont, New York
Amrit_A BRONZE, Larchmont, New York
3 articles 0 photos 0 comments

... “Prepare to die” These were one of Billy’s last words when he sent the Hamsters into hiding.

“Haha, remember our bullet proof armor Billy?” Inquired #45.
“No, I just got here like a few minutes ago.” Replied Billy
“Well, We have bullet proof armour, and we also have hair spikes.”
“That sounds scary.” Billy took a big step back.
“You should probably run.”
‘NO!” Billy stood up straight and pointed the minigun at the hamsters.
“Alright were coming at you!”
“No, fine, I surrender.” Billy said.
“Alec, Hamster #67,592,743, Hamster #54,352 please remove the minigun from his hands.” said #45
“Hurrah!” The hamsters replied
“Okay thank you. Now we can have a nice and peaceful conversation.” said #45. He sat down in front of Billy, took off his eyepatch, and stared at him.
“Okay, dude, you’re creeping me out now. Can you stop it.”
“No, this is a staring competition. Whoever wins, wins this fight. Ready, set, go.”

Billy consumed 500 boxes of hallucination cereal. “AHA, NOW YOU WILL BE DEFEATED.”
They hamsters were impressed. “Where does this guy get all this cereal from. Where does it go? Does he ever poop?” They questioned each other.
Billy didn’t care what the hamsters thought. He was a Billy on a missions. He was a Billy who would defeat an evil Hamster. Billy ate more cereal, he needed it for the extra energy. Billy eyes were straining from all the staring. Billy started to talk ... Violently.
His conversation went along the lines of “*$&$@ *#*$&@ *#^$**@& #*@&#$” “&#($&(@ @&#&$*(@ $&#*$&#$*# $ &@&#$&@# @*$^*#&$).

Billy’s eyes started to turn into a waterfall. To billy it actually looked like a real waterfall, because he had consumed more than 550 boxes of hallucination cereal. But the hamster fought back. The hamster mustered all that he could. “Wow, this guy is good, the hamster thought.”

The hamster was the first to flinch. He FLINCHED, but he didn’t blink. #45 finally gave in, at the 3 hour mark.

“Hurrah, I win.” exclaimed billy.
“Yes you did, I guess we have to let you go now.
“Yes I guess so.”
“It was a nice time meeting you.”
“I’ll miss you.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.” Billy started to sniffle and then to cry.
“Why are you crying we gave you your freedom.”
“Because your a really cool hamster.”
“You can join us, in the quest to conquer the earth.”
“I’ll think about it. By the way, do you have anything to eat.”
“We have some martian carrots. But I would advise you not to eat them, because humans can’t come back to life like, hamsters and martians.”
“That’s okay. I guess I’ll find some more hallucination cereal somewhere else.”
“Alright Billy, Bye. I’ll see you soon.”
“HURRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!” SCREAMED THE WHOLE CROWD OF HAMSTERS.

Billy swam home from the secret underground lair.
Then it hit Billy. He just fought a bunch of HAMSTERS. Billy couldn’t comprehend it. He had to investigate further. He ate tons of hallucinating cereal and swam back to the secret layer. Billy started spying on the hamsters. He pretended to be invisible, although the hamsters could clearly see him.

Wow this guy is stupid thought the hamsters. I guess it is time to take action against Billy.

The hamsters did take action. They pretended they were invisible as well. Now it was billy’s turn to comment on the hamsters. These hamsters are crazy he thought.
Billy found some hallucination cereal in his pocket and consumed 45.2 more packages. Billy uncloaked his fake invisibility and offered some of the cereal to the hamsters. The hamsters gladly accepted. They would always accept a present from their friend.

But now, Everyone DID become invisible. There was panic everywhere. Everyone thought that everybody died and that they were the only one left. Billy on the other hand thought that he had defeated the hamsters. #45 yelled out to him. “No you idiot, we may be invisible but we are still here.” Billy interpreted this differently. In his ears he heard, “Yes you are very smart, we are not invisible and we are dead.”
“Hurrah!”
Billy started screaming hysterically everywhere.
“I’VE WON. I DID IT. THE HAMSTERS ARE DEAD.”
Unfortunately for billy, the hallucination and the invisibility wore off. Billy was facing hundreds of hamsters. Angry Hamsters. Evil Hamsters. Hamster who wanted to destory Billy. Hamsters who had been tricked into thinking they were the last hamsters alive.
“Whoa, Whoa, weren’t we friends?” Billy called out to his fellow hamsters.
“Oh yeah, we forgot. Sorry. You are our friends. How about let’s have a fun time together and lets play some games.”
“Oh, I have an idea. Let’s have a hallucination cereal eating competitions.”
“Hurrah!” All the hamsters knew that Billy would win the competition without a doubt, but the idea of challenging the master hallucination eating champion was a good idea in the hamster’s minds.

Round 1:
“Hold on, wait.” announced Billy.
“What now.” growled #45.
“There has to be high stakes in this competition.”
“How about if I win, You have to release me.”
“And what if we win.”
“If you win, we will flip a coin. If it lands on tails, you get to free me and if it lands on heads, you get to free me two times.”
“That sounds pretty fair to me.” announced #45. “Does anyone agree with me?” 1 hand was raised from the immense crowd of the hamsters.
“Alright, if one person agreed, then that means everyone agrees with me and Billy.”

Round 1 (actually this time):

Trucks of hallucination cereal, were delivered to the Hamster secret lair. It was pretty expensive, So #45 had to increase the tax on explosives for all the hamsters. The tax increased from 100% to 150%. The hamsters were fine with this. They didn’t care that the taxes were more than the actual product. They loved to support their leader, #45!

There were two tables. One table for Billy. The other table was for the challenger.
First challenger, was hamster Alec #10428.

The race was off. Billy sprung of to a short lead. He was eating at about 23 boxes of hallucination cereal per second. The hamster was behind at around 17 boxes per second.
The one minute timer blew and, the Hamsters looked at the results. Billy ate around 1380 boxes. The hamster ate only 1020. The audience booed the hamster and the hamster was punished. Now the hamster could not take part in the final battle. Only strong cereal eaters could take part in the final battle. This meant that each hamster must have a score within 300 of Billy’s.

Round 2 - 999999999999999999:

Most of the hamsters were within 300 of Billy’s score.  The one’s that weren’t were banished from the hamster army until they could consume at least 21 boxes of hallucination cereal per second. A few hamsters thought this was outrageous and they started to protest. Soon they realize, that they were getting nowhere and they stopped protesting.

The final attack:

The hamsters had built many weapons. Their favorite one was the hamster cannon. It could fire from anywhere from 5 feet away to 2703399204830r94838r3839d92 martian miles away (only 1/4th of a human baby’s foot.) This cannon was an extreme killing machine.

What the hamsters didn’t know was that their food could be used as a weapon against the humans. For example, let’s take their favorite food, the martian carrot. This vegetable blows up whenever someone eats it. It is basically a lot of explosive packed together to make the form of a carrot. This explosive mix is then dipped in a mix of gasoline and glue to make a hard rubber coating. Pretty much all of their food was made like this. If only the hamsters could figure this out, then they could defeat the humans easily. However the martians were too dumb to realize this and didn't take advantage of their killer weapon. Instead they were too busy developing a hallucinating cereal cannon.

“Alright, how’s the progress going on the cannon. I hope that it can shoot at least 500 boxes of cereal at a time!” hoped #45.
“And better yet, the cannon has a maximum range of 1 and  half boxes.” responded  Alec #10428.
“Come on, even billy could make a cannon that shoots farther than 1 and a half cereal boxes away.”
“Was that an insult?” asked Billy, extremely offended.
“Shut up Billy.” said #45.
“Didn’t I build the best cannon ever, Mister. #45.” asked Alec #10428.
“First of all, my name isn’t MISTER #45, and wait, didn’t i fire you? Aren’t you  Alec #10428? I thought you were the hamster that couldn’t keep up with Billy’s cereal eating?”
“Yup that’s me, but I’m much better at building cannons.”
“Wait, how did you escape the time-out zone?”
“I’m good at those kinds of things.”
“No, I won’t allow that! Go back now!”
“Ok.”
“BILLY.” #45 called out, “Can you please help finish building this cereal box cannon?”
“Sure! I love anything to do with hallucinating cereal.” responded billy.
“Ok good, we need a professional like you, to help build our high quality weapons.”

However, as the martians were discussing the evil plans with their companion Billy, the martians on MARS, were almost done with their superweapons. They had hired another martian to finish the work that #45 had started. However, the martian that they hired did not do very good work. He was actually a human in disguise. Yes, the humans were smart enough to discover the civilization on mars and disguise a human as a hamster and send him to mars. While Andrew(What the martians called the human), worked on the bomb, he tinkered with the settings and coded the bomb to blow up before it hit earth.

A little peek on the martians on MARS:

“Alright Andrew, have you finished working on the missile.” said the martian boss.
“Yes almost, I am almost done with creating the outer outer outer outer outer coating. After that I will just have to finish making the gasoline mixture that will surround the missile. This material is extremely non-explosive, and should protect every human on earth!”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN PROTECT EVERY HUMAN ON EARTH. WE ARE MARTIANS AND WE ARE NOT FRIENDS WITH HUMANS.”
“Alright fine!”
Secretly Andrew left the non-explosive coating on the missile to ensure that earth wouldn’t blow up.
“Just make sure to finish the missile in a few seconds.”

Back on earth:
“Yumm Yummm, this hallucination cereal is just so good!” Billy thought out loud.
“Billy, have you been eating on the job again? I thought I told you not too” Asked #45.
“Yes, I have already consumed 583 boxes of cereal.” He announced “Just enough for a light snack.
“But it’s not dinner time!” Responded #45.
“Alright then, I guess I’ll only have 6.92 * 10927492 more boxes of cereal.”
“Hey, can I help you finish of a few of those?”
“Yeah, Sure. How many?”
“I don’t want to take too many from you, so I was thinking around the 35,910,482,472,049,383 range.”
“Okay here you go! Billy ordered around 5,467,929,482,048 truck fulls of hallucination cereal from amazon.”
“Yeah thanks! Oh by the way, have you finished the cannon?”
“Yes, just finished it! Are we ready to attack the humans yet?”
“Yes, on your command!”

Now, both of the attackers were ready. The name Were:

Billy and the Martians from EARTH
and
THE MIGHTY CONQUERORS FROM MARS!

Both of the attackers were ready for battle. General Billy and General Mean guy from mars, were ready to unleash their missiles upon earth.

5,4,3,2,1 went the countdown, and missiles exploded at launch. Both the missiles didn’t really explode , but I mean what were you expecting. A missile covered in gasoline and a missile made out of hallucinating cereal. Luckily, the real martians from mars had a backup. The martians on earth, however, did not. It was a frantic frenzy, while the martians from earth asked Billy to quickly construct a missile as fast as they could. This time Billy was a little smarter with his construction, he used a little less hallucination cereal, and a little more of actual explosive things. Now the mixture was made out of around 1% explosive things and 99% hallucination cereal.

“Hey Billy?” #45 asked. “Where are we actually firing the missile? Like where on earth is it going to land?”
“I really don’t know, but it’ll hit somewhere on earth and do some major damage.
In fact Billy’s missile was pointed straight up, which meant that it would fall straight down.

All the martians on both sides were ready to fight. The second time, both missiles were launched successfully and were barrelling towards their target. Unfortunately, as I predicted, the missile from Billy’s side, came crashing back down to earth on their fortress. They had actually forgotten to implement a guidance system. Even if they had implemented it, it probably wouldn’t have been that good. I mean really, a guidance system made by hamsters and BILLY. It would probably have been filled with hallucination cereal too. Imagine an electronic device made out of hallucination cereal. The hamsters would probably pour milk on it and, the device would short circuit. The missile from the martians from mars had actually missed earth, but the martians didn’t know this so they came to investigate earth. The martians missile on earth on the other hand did hit earth, it actually hit Billy and #45 on the head, which caused the missile to blow up weirdly and the missile spread hallucination cereal all over earth.

The crazy people on earth were actually hallucinating. The hallucination cereal worked and everyone on earth started freaking out, and for odd reason the effects stayed PERMANENT. Maybe this time the batch of hallucination cereal was super strong. To the point that the effects became permanent. Billy on the other hand was fine, since he was a professional cereal eater, and he knew how to handle these situations.

As the martians came to investigate the damage they had done on earth, they noticed that earth was covered in a cereal type substance.

“AHA, WE GOT THEM!” said the martian boss.
“Umm sir, we have done an analysis on the surface of Earth. We found out that we actually missed our target. We have done some research and collected some data on the inhabitants of earth. They have actually gone crazy. If you ask me sir, this is a planet not worth invading. I suggest we go and invade jupiter.” said a martian scientist.
“Alright, let’s go invade jupiter! CHARGE!!!!!! Let’s Go!”



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