How I Met Your Grandmother | Teen Ink

How I Met Your Grandmother

May 25, 2021
By miles3h BRONZE, Wilmington, Delaware
miles3h BRONZE, Wilmington, Delaware
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

FADE IN:

INT. MCDONALDS #1 - DAY

A couple sits at a booth. The girl looks thoroughly disgusted as the guy acts like he’s in a very fancy restaurant tucking in his napkin and using a plastic fork and knife to cut his Chicken McNuggets. He leans over to take a small bite. He says Mmmmm Mmmmm very loudly as he chews before sipping sprite and dabbing his lips with his napkin. He looks up at the girl who is looking at him with great disgust.

WEIRD GUY #1
So, darling, are you excited to see Sonic the Hedgehog tonight?

GIRL
(embarrassed)
Please stop.

WEIRD GUY #1
Stop what, darling?

He reaches across the table to stroke her cheek tenderly. She slaps it away.

GIRL
You’re acting like you think we’re at a Michelin five star restaurant. We’re in a freaking McDonalds.

WEIRD GUY #1
‘Tis the finest dining establishment in town!

GIRL
You’re pathetic.

She gets up throwing down her flimsy paper napkin.

GIRL
I’m gonna go.

WEIRD GUY #1
But darling, I prepaid for the tickets.

GIRL
I know you got them on Movie Pass so don’t even try it!

The girl shakes her head in disgust and walks out.

EXT. MCDONALD'S PARKING LOT #2 - DAY

Girl walks to a freighter truck parked outside. She knocks on the window but the driver has earbuds in and doesn't hear.

GIRL
(Shouting)
Open up fudge face!

The truck driver still doesn't hear. She gets annoyed and slides down the side of the truck weeping and grabs the door handle. The door pops open and she realizes it had been unlocked the whole time.

GIRL
How silly of me!

The girl yanks the driver out of the car by his collar. She hops into the driver’s seat and slams and locks the door. She switches through radio stations until Toxic by Britney Spears comes on. She then turns the key and revs up the engine. She drives the truck straight through the McDonald’s, presumably killing her date in the process. Explosions can be seen in the background as she drives away. She pulls her hair out of her high ponytail and begins to smirk.

THE SCREEN CUTS TO BLACK AS THE OPENING CREDITS BEGIN TO PLAY.

EXT. THE OPEN ROAD #3 - DAY

Girl grabs her stomach and winces in pain as her eyes begin to well up with tears. The truck swerves off the road and crashes into the corner of a Walgreens.

EXT. WALGREENS PARKING LOT #4 - DAY

Girl stumbles out of the car and awkwardly dashes into the Walgreens.

INT. WALGREENS #5 - DAY

Girl rounds the corner of the tampon aisle to find the shelves completely empty. She wobbles to the front of the store. As she approaches the front desk she spots an elderly Russian woman with a cart full of tampon boxes. She taps the woman on the shoulder.

CONTINUED: 23. Created using Celtx(CONTINUED)

GIRL
Um excuse me ma’am, but hand over the tamps.

The elderly woman blinks at her over half-moon-shaped spectacles.

GIRL
Oh, I’m sorry I meant PLEASE hand over the tamps?

The woman blinks again.

GIRL
You can’t possibly need all those tamps! What are you running an orphanage specifically for pubescent girls with heavy flow and wide-set va-

HELGA
(interrupting, heavy Russian accent)
It all began in 2002, in Moscow Russian...

FADES INTO FLASHBACK:

INT. CHURCH IN MOSCOW RUSSIA #6 -DAY

HELGA (CONT'D)
It was my son’s wedding. I couldn’t have been prouder. But the day didn’t go as planned. An assassin crashed the wedding. He had come for my son. Within seconds the ceremony had turned into a bloodbath. My son was dead and his finance was dying. I did everything in my power but she didn’t make it. She died in my arms, but before she did. She gave birth to two beautiful twins. A boy and a girl. As I looked out at the chapel littered with bodies, I knew my grandchildren deserved a better future than this.
I took them and immigrated to America in hopes of a better safer future for my grandkids. But when I got here that’s not what I found. I found a country full of prejudice, bias, and discrimination. I couldn’t get a job. I couldn’t afford food or shelter and I had two hungry little mouths to feed. I knew I had to do something. If I couldn’t get a job legally, I’d just have to get one illegally. Girl: You sold feet pics?! Helga: *Continues* I began a drug cartel, a RUSSIAN drug cartel. What did I owe these people? They gave me nothing. They discriminated against a single grandmother with two precious grandchildren because we were immigrants. If the cost of securing my grandchildren’s future was polluting these stupid Americans streets with drugs, it was one I was willing to pay.(MORE)

FLASHBACK ENDS, FADE OUT:

INT. WALGREENS #5 - DAY

GIRL
(choking through tears)
You’re so brave.

HELGA
Thank you. You are first American who has shown me kindness. For that, I give you a single tamp.

Helga rips open a box of tampons. An alarm starts blaring and the lights in the store turn to red. The Manager of the store jumps onto the counter and points at Helga

STORE MANAGER
(shouting)
How dare you damage a product before paying for it!

GIRL
Are you kidding me? I’m bleeding out of my cooch, man, do I really have to wait in line to deal with that? Have some faith in the integrity of your customers!

The grating of metal is heard as metal bars begin to descend over the store’s exits. Helga spins the cart around and hops in.

HELGA
Push me!

Girl glares at the store manager for a moment before grabbing the cart handle and begins racing down the aisle as the metal bars continue descending over the doors. As Girl gains momentum she shoves the cart forward and it shoots down the aisle and flies out the doors. The girl continues racing after it. The metal bars are almost at the bottom. She drops to the floor and slides under just in time. Well almost just in time...

EXT. WALGREENS PARKING LOT #6 - DAY

As Girl stands up, it is revealed that she is now bald. She got under the metal bars in time, but her wig was not so lucky.

HELGA
(in shock)
Mister Clean?

GIRL
Excuse me ma’am but you think Mr Clean has lashes like these?

Girl runs up to the cart and continues pushing.

GIRL
I don’t think I ever caught your name?

HELGA
Is Helga! Now take me to the blue Minivan!

GIRL
You drive a minivan?

HELGA
Of course! The only car on the market made for carpool and drug trafficking!

Girl thinks about it for a minute, shrugs, and nods in agreement. Helga presses the car keys and the back door begins to open. Girl dumps the cart full of tampon boxes and Helga into the back seat. She pulls open the front door and turns the key to power up the car. She puts her hands on the wheel.

GIRL
All buckle-

Girl turns to face Helga. Her face turns to shock when she finds Helga has a gun pointed at her face.

HELGA
I drive.

GIRL
(hands up)
Sorry, sorry, I get it! You want to drive your own car.

Girl scoots to shotgun and Helga climbs into the front seat. She carefully backs out of her spot and expertly turns around and drives up to the parking lot exit. She looks down the street to make sure no one’s coming and then shoots out onto the road. The girl is slammed against the back of her seat as Helga’s car zooms down the road.


FADES:

INT. INSIDE MINIVAN #7 - DAY

GIRL
Hey, so is there any chance you could drop me off?

HELGA
No time. I am late for drug deal.

GIRL
GIRL(CONT'D)Oh of course… you sure you can’t even pull over for a second?

HELGA
No time.

GIRL
Ok… so where are we headed?


HELGA
If you’re tagging along you might as well make yourself useful and start dipping tampons.

GIRL
Um if you don’t want me tagging along I’m more than...

Girl pauses for a minute, slowly realizing what Helga just said.

GIRL
WAIT-
Dipping the tampons in what?

HELGA
Oh no not Renegade!

HELGA
Red paint.

GIRL
I-

HELGA
Used tampons more affective than bullets against men.
(shrugs)
Cheaper too.

GIRL
(shrugs)
Figures.

HELGA
Well then snap to it!

GIRL
(fake Russian accent)
Copy that, Comrade Helga!

Helga glares at her and She scrambles to the back of the minivan. Girl begins dipping tampons and loading them into painted black nerf rounds. Helga turns on classical Russian folk music on the radio. Helga pulls in next to a dumpster behind a Mattress Firm. She turns around to a massive pile of tampon filled nerf rounds. Helga begins stuffing them under her headscarf. It’s astonishing how many she can fit under it. Girl follows suit and begins stuffing them into her hair. The rounds fall out immediately. She stuffs them into the sides of her pants. The nerf rounds are very obvious. All the rounds have been concealed. Together, Helga and Girl hop out of the minivan.

EXT. BEHIND A WALMART #8 - NIGHT

GIRL
(looks around)
So I guess you weren't late after all.

HELGA
Not here.

GIRL
Yeah, I can see that no one's here.

Helga walks up to the dumpster and yodels a brief sequence of notes. The side of the dumpster swings open. Night club music can be heard coming from inside.

GIRL
Oh! So you meant like not here like... ok ok...got it.

Helga and Girl walk into the club. It's a Christian ballerina strip club. They walk through the club to a private room in the back.

HELGA
I have your drugs, I assume you have payment, let's make this snappy.

WEIRD GUY #1
Of course, Helga, right away-

Weird Guy #1 and Girl recognize each other.

GIRL
Oh no.

WEIRD GUY
(to his goons)
That's the b yacht that tried to kill me! Get her!

His goons move to grab girl but Helga blocks them.

HELGA
If you want your drugs, you won't touch her.

WEIRD GUY #1
Forget the drugs! I want revenge!

Weird Guy #1 pulls out a gun. Helga and girl whip out their faux used tampon loaded guns. They begin unloading on Weird Guy #1 and his goons. The men run in fear except for Weird Guy #2.

WEIRD GUY #2
Mmmmmm used tampons! Delicious!

He drops to the floor and begins eating them.

WEIRD GUY #2
Wait a minute... these aren't real! This is acrylic paint!

When Weird Guy #1 and the rest of his goons hear this they come back and start shooting again. Helga and Girl turn their weapons around and use them as blunt objects. They knock out Weird #1 and his goons. Girl raises her hand to high five Helga, believing all the men are out. Helga goes to high five Girl but she sees the gun-wielding hand of Weird Guy #1 rising off the floor.

HELGA
No!

Helga pushes Girl aside. Weird Guy #1 fires. Girl screams and then jumps on his head. His arm goes limp again, this time for good. Girl turns around to find Helga bleeding out on the floor; She collapses by her side in tears.

GIRL
(choking through tears)
Helga no! Please just hold on I'll call for help!

HELGA
(choking up blood)
Take ca...care of them fo...for me!

GIRL
Take care of who Helga?

HELGA
(sits up straight)
My grandchildren, dipsh*t! Yekaterina and Alysha!

Helga collapsed to the floor once again and dies. Sad music begins to play as Girl sulks out of the Christian ballerina strip club. She climbs into the minivan and drives off to find Yekaterina and Alysha.


The author's comments:

I wrote this piece based on a recurring original character of mine: Helga, an elderly Russian grandmother and drug lord.


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This article has 1 comment.


on Dec. 18 2021 at 9:10 am
ILiveToRead GOLD, Wailuku, Hawaii
12 articles 3 photos 88 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I know. I'm nothing special. But. I hope. You won't replace me." "I think I'm afraid too be happy, because whenever I get to happy, something bad always happens."

This is possibly the weirdest story I have ever and will ever read. I don't even know how it got approved through teen ink. Some of this stuff is REALLY SICK. I compliment you still yet, on your creativity. Because the weirdest story I ever read is also the most unique one I've ever had the pleasure (And slight uncomfort.) of reading.