CAST OF CHARACTERS

GOOD NARRATOR, the narrator who knows the cast better than his or her own family.

BAD NARRATOR, the anti-narrator who likes to anger Good Narrator, but is easily annoyed his/herself.

FASHIONISTA, loves to dress up and costume.

MALE LEAD, the main male character of a generic musical.

FEMALE LEAD, the main female character of a generic musical.

FAKE NARRATORS, narrators the Director added to the script.

DIRECTOR DIRECTOR, head of the drama department, thirty-some years old, his last name is actually “Director”.

CHOIR DIRECTOR, director of the chorus, thirty-some years old, in charge of musical numbers.

SIDEKICK, generic boy sidekick to Male Lead.

VILLAINOUS VILLAIN, bad guy of a generic musical

VILLAINOUS SIDEKICK, generic bad guy’s sidekick.

TOWNSPERSON MOLLY, the female townsperson good enough for a line.

SHOW STEALER, the character who ends up as everyone’s favorite.

SLACKER, the one cast member who doesn’t memorize their lines until the last minute.


The setting is a generic theatre in a high school.

This musical runs without intermission.

Bright piano music begins as a single spotlight shines on a closed curtain.)

GOOD NARRATOR (off)
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. We welcome you to our production of Musical! The Musical. Tonight we will begin our show by-




(BAD NARRATOR walks onstage, into the spotlight)

BAD NARRATOR
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s this? (music stops) What are all of these people doing in our house?

(GOOD NARRATOR walks onstage, stops next to BAD NARRATOR)

GOOD NARRATOR
What? It’s the night of the show. The musical, remember?

BAD NARRATOR
Huh? Wait… Oh, I get it. (smiles evilly) My name is Mac-

GOOD NARRATOR
Don’t say it! (covers BAD NARRATOR’S mouth with hand) Sorry, folks. If you don’t know it already, this here narrator’s name is… um… cursed, so we’re just gonna call him “Mac” tonight. (whispers to BAD NARRATOR) We’re in a theatre. (clears throat) Now, without further ado…

BAD NARRATOR
Macb-

GOOD NARRATOR
Musical! The Musical!

(Curtain rises, revealing a cast of characters in their show t-shirts and jeans)

BAD NARRATOR
Ugh, why am I here?

GOOD NARRATOR
THE HOUSE IS FULL
IT’S TIME TO GO
THE CAST IS UP
FOR OUR NEW SHOW!



CAST
IT’S THEATRE! WE’RE READY TO GO
IT’S THEATRE! TONIGHT IS OUR SHOW
WE’VE WORKED SO HARD FOR HOURS ON END
TO MAKE THIS SHOW THE BEST THAT WE CAN!

IT’S THEATRE! WE ALL PLAY A PART
IT’S THEATRE! ACTING’S IN OUR HEART
WE’RE READY TO PUT ON A GREAT SHOW
THE CURTAIN’S UP AND HERE WE GO!

MALE LEAD
THE HERO. THE MAIN LEAD ROLE.

FEMALE LEAD
A PRINCESS! THE ONE YOU ALL KNOW.

SIDEKICK
A TRUSTY SIDEKICK!

VILLAINOUS VILLAIN
AN EVIL VILLAIN!

VILLAINOUS SIDEKICK
THAT GUY’S SIDEKICK!

CAST
AND ALL THE REST
IN THEATRE!

FASHIONISTA
(cutting off song) Hold it, Hold it! What in the name of William Shakespeare are you people wearing?

MALE LEAD
Um… our show shirts.

FASHIONISTA
You mean… you’re not in costume?

FEMALE LEAD
These are our costumes…



FASHIONISTA
What is this? The kindergarten Christmas Sing? Everyone, off stage! Get to the dressing room now!

(Everyone except for GOOD NARRATOR and BAD NARRATOR exit, brooding. MAIN NARRATORS walk upstage as the curtain closes again)

GOOD NARRATOR
He has a point.

BAD NARRATOR
Now what do we do?

GOOD NARRATOR
We wait.

BAD NARRATOR
Are you kidding me? These people want to be home before midnight, y’know.

GOOD NARRATOR
Well, why don’t we entertain them?

BAD NARRATOR
What?

GOOD NARRATOR
(yelling offstage) Hey, filler narrators! Come on out here!

(The four FAKE NARRATORS run onstage)

BAD NARRATOR
Wait… who are these guys?

GOOD NARRATOR
Well, over 50 people tried out for this musical, so the Director had to… add some narrators… (yelling offstage) Isn’t that right, Director?


DIRECTOR DIRECTOR (off)
Yes sir.

GOOD NARRATOR
Told you.


BAD NARRATOR
So… instead of cutting people from the show, we just… added characters?

FAKE NARRATOR 1
Yep.

FAKE NARRATOR 2
Isn’t it great?

BAD NARRATOR
No! Why didn’t we just cut people?

FAKE NARRATOR 3
Everyone deserves a chance in theatre!

FAKE NARRATOR 4
Yay!

BAD NARRATOR
I’m guessing those are your only lines?

FAKE NARRATOR 1
WE TRIED OUR BEST

FAKE NARRATOR 2
TO LAND A ROLE

FAKE NARRATOR 3
BUT I GUESS THAT OUR BEST

FAKE NARRATOR 4
WAS NOT BEST AT ALL…

FAKE NARRATORS
MEET THE FILLERS.
WE WANTED THE LEAD.
BUT WE KNOW THE DIRECTOR
JUST DISAGREED.

MEET THE FILLERS.
OUR PARENTS ARE PROUD
WE LANDED A ROLE
WE’RE SEEN BY A CROWD


FAKE NARRATOR 1
I GUESS ALL THAT MATTERS


FAKE NARRATOR 2
IS BEING ONSTAGE

FAKE NARRATOR 3
BUT EVEN OUR CHARACTERS

FAKE NARRATOR 4
WERE NEVER ON THE CHARACTER PAGE

FAKE NARRATORS
WE’RE THE FILLERS!

BAD NARRATOR
Ha ha, no. You guys can go.

FAKE NARRATORS
What?

BAD NARRATOR
Yeah. You can be in the finale if you want, but other than that… Adios.

GOOD NARRATOR
But they’re… never mind.

(FAKE NARRATORS exit, moping)

FASHIONISTA (off)
Everybody’s ready!

GOOD NARRATOR
Alrighty then! Let’s Go!

(Curtain rises. COMPANY is onstage in full costume)

FASHIONISTA (off)
You all look fabulous!

COMPANY
I WANTED A COOL OUTFIT
BUT WE HAD LIKE NO FUNDS
WE’RE SUPPOSED TO WEAR OUR T-SHIRTS
BUT THIS IS WAY MORE FUN

WE GOT COSTUMES!
I GUESS THEY’RE ALRIGHT.
WE PUT THEM TOGETHER
IN LESS THAN A NIGHT.

JUST GRAB HOUSEHOLD ITEMS
A BOTTLE OF GLUE
AND THEN YOU’VE GOT AN AWESOME
COSTUME FOR YOU!

(CHOIR DIRECTOR enters)

CHOIR DIRECTOR
And cut! Chorus, offstage. Jeez, why are there so many of you?

(CHOIR DIRECTOR and CHORUS exit)

GOOD NARRATOR
Now that we have them out of the way, it’s time to introduce our cast. Here are our male and female leads, otherwise known as the hero and the damsel in distress.

FEMALE LEAD
Hey!

MALE LEAD
She has a point, though…

(MALE LEAD and FEMALE LEAD walk upstage, between MAIN NARRATORS)

BAD NARRATOR
(to FEMALE LEAD) What are you wearing, a shower curtain?

FEMALE LEAD
Actually, yes.

MALE LEAD
(to BAD NARRATOR) Budget cuts…

BAD NARRATOR
Oh. And what is your “armor” made out of, anyway?

MALE LEAD
Uh, cardboard…

MALE LEAD
NOW HERE’S THE SONG
THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE ROMANTIC
BUT NOPE, THAT’S WRONG.
WHAT WE’LL REALLY DO IS PANIC.

FEMALE LEAD
WE TRIED TO DO A GOOD DUET
BUT SINCE WE AREN’T IN LOVE
IT’S REALLY, REALLY AWKWARD
YEAH… WHAT WAS I GONNA SAY?


GOOD NARRATOR
Ahem. Moving on!

(LEADS go back downstage)

GOOD NARRATOR
Next, this is Ron, our male lead’s sidekick.

(SIDEKICK walks upstage, stops between MAIN NARRATORS)

BAD NARRATOR
How come he has an actual name and the leads don’t?

GOOD NARRATOR
Well, I would ask the playwright, but he’s dead.

BAD NARRATOR
Typical.

SIKEKICK
Wait.. how relevant am I in this story, anyway?

MAIN NARRATORS
Ha. Ha ha. Ha…

SIDEKICK
Really? (beat)

WHEN I GOT THIS ROLE
ON THE TOP OF THE PAGE
I KNEW, JUST KNEW
I’D BE STAR OF THE STAGE

ALL I WANTED WAS A LITTLE RELEVANCE
IN THIS VERY STORYLINE
WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET SOME RELEVANCE?
MAN, DOES IT TAKE TIME.

GOOD NARRATOR
Next!

(VILLAINOUS VILLAIN and VILLAINOUS SIDEKICK walk upstage, stop in between MAIN NARRATORS)

GOOD NARRATOR
And here we have our Villain and his sidekick. You see, the evil sidekick is almost always more relevant than the good one…

BAD NARRATOR
Not in The Small Mermaiden. Or Beatty and the Beat. Or…

GOOD NARRATOR
Stop it before we get charged with copyright infringement!

BAD NARRATOR
Sorry. (whispers) Not sorry.

VILLAIN
Alas! Absolute power is mine! (beat)

AS IN EVERY TALE
THERE’S A VILLAIN
AND IN THIS VERY TALE
IT’S ME!

VILLAINOUS SIDEKICK
BUT IF YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW
WHY HE TURNED OUT SO BAD
YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME!

WELL HE GREW UP IN PERIL
THE HERO IS HIS FOE
WE TURNED OUT SO EVIL
SO EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW

WE HATE ALL THE GOOD GUYS
THE WORLD CHEATED US
AND THAT’S WHY WE ARE
WHY WE ARE.

VILLAIN
(laughs evilly) I will slay the hero and finally rule as king!

GOOD NARRATOR
No, you won’t.

VILLAIN
What?

GOOD NARRATOR
Dude, have you ever read a fairytale before? The bad guy always loses. Just FYI.


BAD NARRATOR
Spoiler alert.

VILLAIN
What?!

VILLAINOUS SIDEKICK
They’re right, boss…

VILLAIN
Curse you, fairytale clichés!!!!

(VILLAINOUS VILLAIN and VILLAINOUS SIDEKICK go back downstage)


BAD NARRATOR
Did he really…? Never mind.

GOOD NARRATOR
This little ensemble is our townspeople.

(TOWNSPEOPLE step forward)

BAD NARRATOR
Little? Why are there so many of them?



GOOD NARRATOR
You ask too many questions. Well, the original script called for 5 townspeople, but Mr. Director added about ten so everyone could have a part. Isn’t that right, Director?

DIRECTOR (off)
That’s right.

BAD NARRATOR
I should have known. Well, what do they all do?

TOWNSPERSON MOLLY
I have one line!

BAD NARRATOR
That’s it?

GOOD NARRATOR
Yep. And they’re great extras, too.

TOWNSPEOPLE
MEET THE FILLERS.
YOU THOUGHT THERE WERE ONLY
FOUR.
HA HA. THAT’S FUNNY.

BAD NARRATOR
WOW. I REALLY DID.
BUT THERE’S LIKE TWENTY.
I DON’T WANNA MEET THE FILLERS.
WE SHOULDA JUST CUT YA, BUDDY!

TOWNSPEOPLE
WE WANTED THE LEAD
WE ALL TRIED OUR BEST
BUT WE GUESS OUR BEST
JUST WASN’T THE BEST.
FILLERS!

(TOWSPEOPLE step back)

GOOD NARRATOR
And now, our final characters.

(SHOW STEALER and SLACKER, two faceless individuals in black morphsuits, enter from wings)

BAD NARRATOR
We already met the villains. Who the heck are they, more filler characters?

GOOD NARRATOR
Nope. These two are Show Stealer and Slacker.

BAD NARRATOR
That helped me understand completely.

GOOD NARRATOR
Show Stealer can end up being pretty much anyone in the cast.

(SHOW STEALER runs around the stage, creeping up behind various cast members)

GOOD NARRATOR
He is always the character everyone in the audience thinks is the best.

(SHOW STEALER stops behind GOOD NARRATOR)

BAD NARRATOR
You planned that, you imbecile.

GOOD NARRATOR
(rolls eyes) Now, Slacker is that one member of the cast who doesn’t memorize their lines till the last minute and doesn’t take the show seriously. Every show has one.

(SLACKER does the same thing as SHOW STEALER, but stops behind BAD NARRATOR)

BAD NARRATOR
Hey! I memorized my lines! I’m not a slacker.

GOOD NARRATOR
Just kidding.

(SHOW STEALER and SLACKER exit)

GOOD NARRATOR
And that’s it. That’s our cast.

BAD NARRATOR
What about those people in the wings with the black shirts? (points offstage) Why are they here?

GOOD NARRATOR
That’s the stage crew. They’re as important as we are but never get recognized, so we skipped them.

(Lights all turn off.)

BAD NARRATOR
What happened now? This is getting annoying.

GOOD NARRATOR
It’s time for the curtain call.

(Lights come on, COMPANY on stage.)




CAST
THE END OF OUR PRODUCTION
CALLS FOR CELEBRATION
WHEN WE ALL TAKE OUR BOWS
WAVE OUR HANDS AT THE CROWD

IT’S TIME FOR THE CURTAIN CALL
REGOCNITION FOR ALL
IT’S TIME FOR THE CURTAIN CALL
CHEER ON, ONE AND ALL
FOR OUR THEATRE

IT’S THEATRE! WE ALL WORKED SO HARD
WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED OUR SHOW
IT’S THEATRE!
WE MADE OUR SHOW THE BEST THAT WE COULD

BUT, SADLY FOLKS
IT’S TIME TO GO
MAYBE WE’LL ALL COME BACK SOON
FOR

THEATRE!
THIS HAS BEEN OUR SHOW!

(COMPANY exits, taking off headpieces and talking about the performance. The curtain closes, but a single spotlight remains. BAD NARRATOR walks onstage and smiles evilly.)

BAD NARRATOR
Macbeth.

(A loud crash followed by a dozen screams comes from behind the curtain. BAD NARRATOR laughs and runs offstage. End of show.)