This story takes place in the era when Seth Meyers did Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live. 

Seth: Please welcome that friend who always has a story!

The friend slides into the frame.

Seth: Hi! How are you?

Friend: Well Seth, I am okay. But I have to tell you. The craziest thing happened to me today. I was shopping in my favorite store, Ralph Lauren, when I just so happened to look up. Who should I spy out of the corner of my eye, but the great, godly Madonna?

Seth: No way!

Friend: Yes I know. So of course, I went up to her. I professed my undying love for her and then the craziest thing happened. She looked up in typical Madonna fashion, said to me: why, thank you darling.

Seth: What is this typical Madonna fashion?

Friend: Where she looks up like there’s a pause in her song and goes “vogue.” Or in this case, “why thank you darling.”

Seth: That’s very cool!

Friend: But then, something even crazier happened!

Seth: What?

Friend: She told me she liked my shirt! She told me she liked my shirt! I will never take this shirt off in my life! It is the greatest shirt I own! It has been blessed!

Seth: I’ve told you I like that shirt before.

Friend: Seth, you are not Madonna. Don’t even try to compare yourself. You are a failure compared to Madonna.

Seth: Ah, okay. Well.

Friend: Oh, Seth, I’m sorry. That came out wrong. But don’t get insulted now. The last time I insulted someone I broke down an amusement park.

Seth: You what?

Friend: Yeah! Let me tell you the story. It was the craziest thing. So I was at six flags with my boyfriend at the time and we were about to go on Bizarro.

Seth: The six flags in Pennsylvania, or Massachusetts?

Friend: Massachusetts.

Seth: Oh I’ve been there.

Friend: Great, Seth. I guess you know this story, too.

Seth: No I’m sorry, please, go ahead.

Friend: So we were about to get on Bizarro. We got on the coaster and the boy came to put the bar down. I said to him, “Is this really safe?” and he said, “Of course, miss.” I though it would be okay, but it wasn’t. We were almost at the top, when I started freaking out. I started screaming and crying for them to stop the ride, but it wasn’t even slowing down. I had to take matters into my own hands. I undid my buckle and slid out from under the bar.

Seth: You did what?!

Friend: You heard me.

Seth: That sounds incredibly unsafe.

Friend: Well, I knew they would stop the ride if they saw me doing that.

Seth: That’s a terrible idea.

Friend: That’s what they told me, but they did stop the roller coaster. The people had to wait half an hour for them to come up and get me. Everyone was very angry with me. In retrospect, that’s probably why that guy broke up with me.

Seth: I, you, blegh, WHAT??!

Friend: But it’s okay. It never would have lasted. The sex wasn’t very good.

Seth: Oh… yes… okay.

Friend: Speaking of sex, did I tell you about who I slept with the other night?

Seth: No you didn’t.

Friend: Oh boy, that’s a story.

Seth: Okay…

Friend: So I was at the bar with Jenny and Penny—

Seth: Jenny and Penny?

Friend: Yes, Jenny and Penny. They were my two best friends from college. Wow, we were crazy. One time, Jenny, Penny, and I broke into our Latin professor’s house while he was sleeping and—

Seth: Whoa! Whoa! That’s too much!

Friend: Oh please, Seth. We’ve done some crazy things in our day, too.

Seth: I don’t recall any of them.

Friend: You don’t remember that Amy thing?

Seth: No. No. Stop. I don’t remember anything. Nothing ever happened.

Friend: You sound awfully guilty for someone who’s never done anything! Maybe that’s because you HAVE!

Seth: NO! Stop!

Friend: Alright, I’ll tell you guys, but only because Seth says it’s okay. Right buddy?

Seth: No!

Friend: Okay, so one time, Seth invited me over here after one of the shows and took me up to the roof. He got reeeally drunk, and confessed his love for the one and only Amy Poehler, who at the time was his cohost on weekend update. I had thought he had invited me over so we could get it on, but I was happy to play matchmaker, too. We spent a couple hours on the roof talking about her. We agreed that the next time we saw her, he would tell her how he felt. Later, we went her downstairs, and the first person we saw just so happened to be Amy. It must be a sign, I told him. So, we staggered up to her. I said, or more like I slurred because we were both so drunk, “Seth has something to tell you, Amy.” He opened his mouth and barfed all over her.

Seth: Oh god. (groans) Oh god.

Friend: That’s all right, Seth. Amy, that’s what he wanted to tell you that night! If you’re interested, I bet he still is too.

Seth: I’m married!

Friend: Everyone needs a little side action, Seth. Amy is a beautiful lady.

Seth: No! I think you should leave.

Friend: Oh no, no! I never finished my sex story!

Seth: The friend that always has a story, everyone!