FIRST FAMILY FEUD
FADE IN:
INT. FAMILY FEUD STUIDIO - DAY
ANNOUNCER:
It’s time to play family feud! Give it up for Steeeevee Harvey!
STEVE walks out to family feud music.
STEVE:
Hey everybody, how y’all doing today? Boy have we got a great show for you! Let’s give it up for our contestants. Over here, from Texas, the Bush family!
Cut to the Bushes. GEORGE H.W. is scowling. GEORGE W. and JEB dance to the music, both pathetically awkward. BARBARA looks disgusted to be associated with the family.
STEVE: (CONT’D)
And over here, from Chappaqua, New York, the Clintons!
Cut to the Clintons. BILL waves to the crowd, clearly at ease and loving it. HILLARY looks artificial, and has a smile plastered to her face. CHEALSEA looks tense. MONICA LEWINSKY looks incredibly uncomfortable and keeps glancing at Hillary.
STEVE: (CONT’D)
We’ve got some great prizes tonight. By their request, tonight's family winner will get the chance to discuss policy with reclusive North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un. All right, let’s get started.
W. And Bill are the first contestants. They walk up to the podium and shake hands.
STEVE: (CONT’D)
Okay. We’ve got five answers on the board. Tonight’s first question is: name someone who’s running for president.
W. Goes for the buzzer, misses, and hits it again. Bill just stands there.
W.:
(victoriously) Guess I finally beat you at something, didn’t I, Bill?
STEVE:
Gentlemen! Let’s not have any fighting! Mr. Bush, what is your answer?
W.:
That’s an easy one. My brother Jeb.
They look to the board. EHHHHHH. X. He’s wrong.
Cut to Jeb - what the hell??
STEVE:
Sorry George, these answers are based off a 100 person survey. I guess none of the participants knew Jeb was running. Mr. Clinton, you can steal. Same question. What is your answer?
BILL:
My beautiful wife Hillary is running for president of these United States.
STEVE:
Survey says... Ding, Ding, Ding! That’s correct! We would have also accepted Billary Clinton. Clintons, you playing?
BILL:
We always play, Steve. Right, Monica?
Cut to Monica. She looks terrified- why am I here??
STEVE:
AlL right! Hillary you’re up first!
HILLARY:
(too enthusiastically) Okay, great! Well Steve, since people sure do know the name Donald Trump, I’ll go with him.
STEVE:
That’s correct! Our number one answer!
Okay, Chelsea, you’re up next.
CHELSEA:
Well I’m not allowed to say any of the other democratic candidates names, so I’ll say Hillary Clinton, again.
HILLARY:
Good girl.
STEVE:
That’s already up there, so no.
Monica, you’re up next. Monica, what do you do, darling?
BILL:
Hey Steve, let’s skip this part. Actually we can skip Monica all together if you want. She’s just here because our granddaughter can’t speak yet.
STEVE (WAVING HIM OFF):
So Ms. Lewinsky, I understand your official title here is Biill’s mistress?
BILL:
NOOOO! Come on man, move on. I’ll take this one for Ms. Lewinsky.
MONICA:
Bill, I would have said Hillary, just like you told me to last night.
BILL:
No. No. You’re not saying anything.
CHELSEA:
Dad, I told you this was a bad idea. No one is over this.
HILLARY:
I am, because I’m cool.
BILL:
You know what, let’s send this question over to the Bushes. We’re gonna take a little time out over here.
STEVE:
Um... well there’s no rule against it... All right. Clintons, figure this mess out. We go to the Bushes for the steal.
Jeb looks excited. He elbows his father.
JEB:
Just like I’m gonna steal the presidency from her, Dad!
He grunts in response.
STEVE:
Barabara, you’re up first. Who is running for president?
BARBARA:
My man, Bernie Sanders!
STEVE:
Ding, Ding, Ding! That is correct!
W. is thrilled. Jeb looks at Barabara, he is horrified.
Cut to the Clintons. A naked baby doll is taped to the podium in place of Monica. Chealsea and Bill look annoyed; Hillary is smiling. She points to the doll.
HILLARY:
Steve, meet our new teammate Charlotte!
STEVE:
Okay, I’m not even gonna pretend this is allowed. That thing’s gotta go.
BILL:
Don’t you dare call my grandchild a thing! That is a beautiful baby girl!
He motions for Steve to come over to him.
BILL: (CONT’D)
(whispered) Steve I will pay you after the show. Please just go along with this.
STEVE:
How much?
BILL:
(whispered) 500. And unlimited slushies for a year. I’ve got contacts.
STEVE:
(whispered) Fine. (normal voice) All right, let’s welcome the newest member of the Clinton team, Charlotte!
Feeble applause from the audience.
STEVE: (CONT’D)
Will Charlotte be playing this--
He mimes drinking a slushie and then slashing his neck.
JEB:
Hold on, Steve. I got something to say. Barbara, what do you mean, your man Bernie Sanders?
HILLARY:
Yeah Barbara, what do you mean? I thought you were supporting me?
JEB:
What?! I thought you were supporting me!
BARBARA:
No. Do either of you actually think you can govern this country?
HILLARY, JEB:
I did!
BARBARA:
Okay, call it what you will, but I am done with both of these families.
W.:
Don’t say that, honey.
CHELSEA:
No, you know what, she’s right. I’m done too. I didn’t want to say this on air, but Mom, I’ve been funneling your campaign money, $50 at a time, to Bernie’s campaign under different hipster names. I’m done with all of you. Barabara, can we get out of here?
BARBARA:
Yeah. Let’s go get wasted.
They flounce out. Awkward silence. Hillary looks devastated, and Jeb shocked. Bill pulls himself together.
BILL:
So, what’s the next question, Steve?
STEVE:
Nu-uh. That’s all we’ve got time for tonight. I guess the Bushes won.
W. is incredibly happy.
STEVE: (CONT’D)
Now come with me, Bill. I want those slushies.
Family feud music plays, and fake credits roll.
FADE OUT.