Water Lily | Teen Ink

Water Lily

September 29, 2009
By WeetzieBat PLATINUM, Dallas, Texas
WeetzieBat PLATINUM, Dallas, Texas
35 articles 1 photo 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
"OW! Stop pulling my ear! THIS TIME I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!"

David cupped the soft water lily in his hand. The fragile, little lily, into his hand, but then...ever so gently, his hands broke apart, and the lily fell. It fell into the crystal clear pool of water that Kellie Hutchinson drowned herself in. The water lily sank deep into it, and instead of floating, as it should of, it drowned. It sank deep into the pool, unlike how it should have floated. Then slowly, it turned blood-red, and the water turned bloody, and dark.

I jolted awake. Sweat dripped down my whole body, and my sheets stuck to my thighs. I sighed, straightened up, and looked at my alarm clock. It was only 4:00 in the morning, I couldn't believe how horrible that nightmare had been. My best friend Kellie had killed herself, just a week ago.

David, Kellie, and me had been so close. She was always there for me, and then she killed herself. No one knew why, but I wish I had. She had just drowned herself one day, and sometimes I wish I could to... But David was always there for me. He convinced me not to kill myself, or hurt myself. Then I started having these nightmares. Horrible, dreadful, nightmares.

Like the one I just had. I got up, and strode over to the small cabinet that held my journal. The one I wrote in almost every day. Whether it be a bad daydream or a nightmare, it was always written down. It helped me deal with all this pain.

I recorded the nightmare, then padded back to my bed. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't of course. I pulled out my Samsung Touch and texted David. I knew he wouldn't respond, but I hoped he would anyways. The small windows in my room cast in the amber glow of the sun that had finally risen up. I must have lied in bed for two hours, because when I looked at my clock it said it was 6.

I got up, and pulled on some jeans and my yellow tank top. I smiled at my reflection in the mirror, and headed out the door. Grabbing a granola bar on the kitchen counter, I went outside and jogged over to my bike. It always took an hour to get to school from my house. I got on my bike and started pedaling. Then I started pedaling furiously, and then I was crashing, falling, hurting, and I saw the bike wheels spinning like crazy.

“Ugh...” I groaned, and then strong hands were lifting me up.

“You ok?” David asked me. I recognized his gravely voice, and smiled a bit at it.

“Haha...Yeah...You saw me?” I asked, dusting myself off and grabbing up my bike.

“Yeah. First you looked so calm, and you got all fast, and totally face-planted.” David said, smiling. His teeth were so white, and nice. I loved when he smiled at me...

“Well, uh...thanks for helping me up.” I said, and we both smiled at each other. I coughed and got back on my bike. “See ya at school!” I exclaimed and then pedaled off.

The day went by fairly well, but when I got home, and tried to sleep all I had were nightmares. At first they were just bad dreams, and then they became... horrid. I woke up screaming. Kellie should never have killed herself.

I got up, and wrote my nightmares into my journal. Then I walked outside, hopped over the fence that bordered Kellie's house, stripped off my clothing, and quietly dropped into the pool. I contemplated drowning myself, but stopped. And just floated, letting the water calm my body. I heard the subtle splash of water next to me. “Hello??” I called out. I was only in a bra and my underwear, I didn't need a creeper.

“It's just me...” A strong gravely voice called out. Slowly hands came around my torso.

“David...” I whispered feeling his hot breath on my neck.

“Did I ever mention how Kellie died?” He asked me, pulling my body up against me, so that we floated as one.

“No, how?” I asked, and listened to him breath.

“She was out here one night, cause' she couldn't sleep. She texted me to come over. Said she wanted me. She was in her bikini. She didn't kill herself, Lindsey. I killed her.” He said. I took a sharp intake of breath, and tried to kick away from him, but he held me to tightly. “Tsk, tsk, tsk, I thought you knew better than to run away when you know you can't.” David said, pushing up against me.

He was behaving as if he wanted to have me, but was going to kill me in the end. “When I saw you riding your bike... I just knew I needed to have you. To add you to my collection. Remember all those unsolved murders that have been popping up around the country? I've killed all those girls. I added them to my collection. You should be next.” He whispered in my ear. He started kissing my neck. I wanted to scream, but it seemed my voice was stuck in my throat. I kicked at him, and tried to get away.

“STOP IT!” He hissed, kicking the back of my legs and slowly ripping my knee out of its socket. I let out a moan, and went dead weight. He held me up, and started kissing me again. “I want you so bad Lindsey.” He whispered.

“Get away from me!!!” I muttered not kicking him, but trying to tread water away from him.

“Tell me you love me...” He whispered. Gently I did.... The end came anyways... I was his water lily. I made the water run red. David took a Swiss army knife to my throat, and cut it, slowly. “Goodbye, my love.” He had told me softly, right as I died. Now I was just another plaything to his collection.

The author's comments:
I don't really write lots of thrillers, and this is my first. So give me all the feedback you can...be brutal, Ill try not to feel hurt.

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This article has 46 comments.

on Oct. 6 2012 at 10:57 am
It's Awesome You Should Write Part 2 If You Haven't Done So, My Teacher Was Reading This The Other Day So I Came To Check It Out. Your Work Is Really Good Keep It Up.

on Jun. 14 2012 at 8:47 pm
Pika_Princess, Escondido, California
0 articles 0 photos 118 comments
Wow, amazing! It just seemed a bit rushed, especially towards the end. Maybe spend a bit more time describing the characters, especially David. And the fact that there were murders across the county was something I felt should have come earlier in the story. I really did like the beginning and the plot. Keep on writing!

on Feb. 25 2012 at 12:21 pm
pearljamlvr BRONZE, Quincy,IL, Illinois
3 articles 0 photos 5 comments
i liked it a lot, but it seemed to happen really fast.

on Jan. 12 2012 at 6:02 pm
holyblondecheerleaderbatman BRONZE, Wasilla, Alaska
1 article 2 photos 42 comments

Favorite Quote:
Who said I want to fit in ?

i love this article 5 stars!!!!!!!

on Dec. 21 2011 at 8:08 pm
AshleyRagone BRONZE, Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania
3 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality."

You Guessed it, John Lennon.

I really liked the story, it was relativly discriptive, however towards the end it seemed as if you were rushed.  Be discriptive the whole way through(:

AmyLee-FTW said...
on Dec. 21 2011 at 12:46 pm
AmyLee-FTW, Derp, Arizona
0 articles 0 photos 4 comments
Oh my god... I really like this! I like, love it!

If only it was longer TT^TT

on Nov. 14 2011 at 5:06 pm
artistinda_lonelily SILVER, Joliet, Illinois
8 articles 0 photos 43 comments
i think more description, and over all, more time in the story. its too rushed. great begining. you should also make it longer and let the reader get to know David's character. that would make it more surprising when she foud out that he was the killer and the reader would have mixed emotions about him. it would make her have more mixed emotions as well: her falling in love with him and then finding out that he's the killer and is going to kill her next is a great situation for a lot of character development and it would add complexity to your main character. i liked the plot, and the nightmare was pretty good. keep writing! (:

on Nov. 7 2011 at 3:43 pm
lizlaughluv14 BRONZE, Ny, New York
3 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Keep smiling, because life is a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”
― Marilyn Monroe

The storyline is great; I just think you should have proofread a bit better and cleaned up a few phrases. Overall good work. Keep writing and please check out my work! :)

on Oct. 16 2011 at 8:27 pm
hannah.maria GOLD, La Jolla, California
10 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I do not live on the edge, I merely visit it from time to time."

i have to agree with you, Moonstream4495

on Oct. 16 2011 at 10:15 am
The beginning was well written and the imagery was great. However, there were a few grammatical errors, and I believe the ending was a bit obvious. Adding more characters and elaborating more on the character's day should fix the issue. The ending was a bit rushed. It would also have been helpful to mention the dead girls around the country earlier in the story as well. Keep writing because you have talent.

on Aug. 11 2011 at 5:43 pm
Tongue_Blep PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 769 comments
wow that was amazing! Very edgey!!! ur an awesome writer!!!! if anyone had time could you check out my new story called Terror out of this world: The whole story

on Jun. 6 2011 at 1:01 pm
tylerbrooks20 BRONZE, Indianapolis, Indiana
2 articles 0 photos 3 comments
Pretty good i like that type of dark mystery, you should read my article Forever in Solitude and tell me what u think!!

on Apr. 29 2011 at 4:26 pm
tikapeek97 BRONZE, Waterboro, Maine
2 articles 1 photo 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
"good things come in small packages" =)

wow that is really good. It was really creapy and I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, I could not stop reading. You should check out my story Running.

on Jan. 25 2011 at 8:11 am
Moonstream4495 BRONZE, Brandon, Florida
1 article 0 photos 5 comments
it's weird... the end is just like in the lovely bones. plagarizing?

on Oct. 29 2010 at 1:31 am
8 articles 0 photos 21 comments

Favorite Quote:


on Aug. 24 2010 at 7:41 am
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky


Pretty physco, but I liked it.  I loved how who the killer was was totally unexpected, infact, I fell for it all the way and thought Kellie really was suicidal.  Oops.  Your description was great and I loved the forshadowing of the dream in the beginning to her killing.

All I might suggest is maybe give the main character a name, (<--  I don't know if you thought of one, but I suggest Lily, lol)

Oh, and maybe when the main character is waking up that first morning, have her listen to the news and there be something about another one of David's murders- then when he's giving his whole, "I'm a killer" speech, it doesn't sound as out of the blue and random.

loved the story

on Aug. 2 2010 at 12:38 am
Laura Magnuson, Gurnee, Illinois
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
This story had some great imagery which I really enjoyed. However, there were a few grammer errors and I found some of the details in the story to be pointless. Keep writing though, I can see you have talent.

LastChapter said...
on Jul. 11 2010 at 10:06 am
LastChapter, Hempstead, New York
0 articles 0 photos 215 comments

Favorite Quote:
(couldn't think of anything better at the time) "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."-Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.

you said this was your first thriller? well, you can't stop now! i liked it, good job, a little ick-ish at parts, but nothing a good editing can't fix ;)

Cuore GOLD said...
on Apr. 15 2010 at 8:20 pm
Cuore GOLD, Saint Augustine, Florida
12 articles 0 photos 33 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be the change you wish to see- Ghandi

Everything in this room is eatable, even I'm eatable, but that my dears is called cannibalism and is highly frowned upon in most societies.- Willy Wonka

Bright lights often blind those who can't see. ~

Cool! The Toadies are awesome :) especially their song Possum Kingdom.

on Apr. 15 2010 at 3:22 pm
WeetzieBat PLATINUM, Dallas, Texas
35 articles 1 photo 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
"OW! Stop pulling my ear! THIS TIME I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!"

I have. The Toadies came from my city! Love em'.