Have you ever walked down a street and noticed a flower popping up in the crack of the sidewalk? but then look back and the person behind you doesn't see it and steps on it and the flower tries to stand up again but really can't? well picture yourself, your own life like that.

Heres my little short story of the flower popping up but then can't stand up anymore even when trying.
So there I was stuck in the middle of love and hatred of someone who I really couldn't picture living my life without. Perfect in every way and was sweet as a guy could get but without thought and reason it was soon to end, painfully and slow. I was his in the summer and everything in my life was finally going the way it should after 17 years of pain, being lost and my own family and trying to figure out what I mean to at least the smallest of people. But it was perfect. Date night, pizza night, falling asleep on each other and waking up to a prince, its really how I thought of it. but soon he pushed me away, avoided me, hurt me, lied to me, made me feel so small, finally I was the smallest person and what I thought about myself wasn't all that great.

I loved him and did nearly anything I could for him, made him happy but then I lost him in the midst of all love could be lost in. His words were like bullets that brazed my skin, knew I was hurt but wouldn't die. The pain got worse with every word he said. Lets wait till you 18, focus on yourself, I still love you, you're the only one I want, ill wait for you, your f***ing stressed, you ruined my shirt, I'm mad at you" everything was crumbling to the ground and no matter how hard I tried to hold it up I knew it was gonna fall. Finally he hit me with his last but silent word. He got on to a dating site and made an account. heartbroken and shattering all of our memories, I cried, I yelled and there was no sleeping. No matter how much iIcried, how much I texted or called him or even yelled, I knew it was over and waiting would turn into anger and getting my hopes up to be let down. I wasn't gonna let go but I knew I had to. no matter if he came back to me or didn't. I had to move one because I knew he was done with me even the amount of times I could say I loved him. It was over and I was let down,lied to and heart broken.

It was late summer, the last time id ever see him and the last time i would actually feel loved by him.
we had planned to have a date night, get pizza and watch a movie and talk till we fell asleep as normal. I was so excited and so happy to be able to just feel his touch. It'd been two weeks since I had last seen him.
I told him to meet me at the beach, and around 6 in the afternoon he did, it was cold that day, I was cold anyway and I couldn't wait to jump in his arms and feel his warmth.
I looked around and seen the blue hood of his car, I was so
excited. He drove around until he spotted me and drove over to me, I got in the car and there was no "hello" or the usual "you look beautiful" instead it was "I had the worst day at work today and my knee is getting worse, and why didnt you come over to me when you saw my car?" I didn't say a word, instead I kept silent and
just let him be angry and vent, normally this wasn't like him to do at all. My excitement went down the drain very fast. after a few minutes I had spoken "Im sorry you had a bad day, but we will be home soon and you can relax" he then got more angry and you could tell in his eyes he was getting agitated. He said "yeah, a shower and then we can take a nap" we got home, did exactly what he said and slept for a good hour and he calmed down, around 8 we went out for dinner and after went home to watch a movie, it was sweet, almost to picture perfect. After the movie we layed in bed just talking till we both fell asleep. We talked about his work and his knee and how if he ever lost me, he would be lost in his own world. I told him he would never lose me and id be right by his side no matter what and I meant it. we fell asleep shortly after. in the morning I was the first to wake up and for a few minutes I laid awake in bed looking at the walls and thinking to myself how perfect is this, he makes me so happy. He woke up shortly after and had his morning cigarette, walked outside and stretched and came back in with his sweet smile on his face like he couldn't ask for anything better in life. simply enjoyable I guess.

a few hours later his mom texted him and asked questions about me, I grabbed the phone from his hands and the question she asked made me question why she would ask such a thing. "is this the same girl" she had asked. I questioned him about it and then typed back "yes,very much so" I then said "she makes me very happy" to then she replied "great, im happy for you"

but all day I had thought about what she said and why she would ask that. I got over it and didn't think about it because I knew how he felt about me. I mean he asked if I wanted to meet her, I said no and not till next time and he was ok with it. He drove me home and thats when it really started. When he became distant and unlike him. After he dropped me off I told him I already missed him and couldn't wait to see him again. But 2 days after that I didn't hear from him for almost 2 weeks and when I did he told me it was because I hang out with my friend too much and then he changed the excuses to himself and because he was all foggy in the head and then told me his step mom threatened him because of my age and it wasn't right and regardless we both know its not but
how could someone like him listen to someone as cold as she is. I fought and I told him I will still be there and i'm not leaving and he cried. he said " I don't want to lose you, I don't ever want to lose you but I think we should wait" I got angry and sad and like he punched me in the gut. But he was right and we were both hurt .Him nor I wanted it and it was clear to me that I had to wait. and then nothing? I heard nothing from him for another week and he told me that he didn't know what he wanted but he wanted me. We grew angry with each other and hurt each other by stupid things we said and did and i finally got fed up, I was so hurt and I just couldn't do it anymore, I told him I was done and I needed to move on and how I deserve better as a person and as myself. I tried not think

About it but he didnt even stop me. How do people go from loving
to hating to not even caring about each other.
I was hurt, I wanted him to save it, to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok and that he still wants me. But he didnt. Instead he made a dating site account and I found out and when I did I was hurt because I fought and its like it wasn't enough and no matter how much I called or texted or even yelled
at myself or him or even hurt myself it just wasn't enough for
him. I cried and i screamed and cried some more till I fell asleep. and I finally came to my senses and I sent him one last text and I told him that he is childish and immature for what he did and how he hurt me and that he knows he is wrong and that if he loved me ne would have saved me and us and wouldn't let anything come between us. I loved him but I knew it was over. and I let him go. but he once again reeled me back in. He said I want you, just you and i'm gonna wait to be with you, I don't want anyone else. So of course that made me question everything and why hes like that but he also said to me "the bad always outweighs the good and im sorry,
I want to stop it but he can't, its like its always gonna be like this" .
Once again days went by without even a simple hello from him and this time I didn't care, I was done being hurt. a week later he said he was gonna bring me my stuff and he never did, I got so pissed off I yelled at him, I told him I'm done and I don't want him and its over and I just cant do it anymore and that no one would miss him if something happened to him and that I ripped his shirt and he doesn't even deserve a fraction of what I am. three days after he came to my house. We fought, I yelled he said things, I pushed him and he slapped me, he laughed and he kicked me. "Your such a stupid s***, you will never find a guy like me, no one will ever want you" and then kicked me again. I tasted the blood in my mouth and laid there until dark, till all I could see were shadows of trees and all I could feel was the pain.I got up after blacking out more then once, I walked into my house and all I could feel was the fear in my heart from my aunt asking me what had happened and actually having to tell her to tell her what had happened. I walked up to my room and cried. I couldn't even begin to think that it actually happened. A few days passed and the pain finally went away. I layed in bed for a few days and didn't talk to anyone or do much, I laid there thinking. I finally came up with a plan to hurt him, to get him back and make sure he feels the pain he made me feel.

I drive to his house in the middle of the night, slashed his
tiers , broke his windows and poured orange soda all over his engine and in the gas tank. I picked the lock to his door and found him peacefully sleeping. I printed out our pictures and tapped them to his wall. I play "our" song, and got out just in time. My first plan was sealed and the next day I was planning what's next . 2 weeks went by and I had thought about what to do next. I drove to his house and picked the lock to his room, I duct taped his mouth , tied his wrists and sat him up in a chair. He woke up a few hours later, confused and kind of irritated. His muffled words were simple "what the f***!?!?, let me go, what are you doing here" I smacked him. I laughed and started yelling. Are you kidding me, you hurt me and now it's your turn to be hurt. I will never let you do this to another girl ever again I said. I punched in with all 3 of my rings on. His face started to bleed and his mouth had blood on it. He was getting pissed off. I kicked him and told him since he hurt me I will make him feel the same way. I hit him more times time I could actually count, I was so angry and had so much rage and I felt he was the only person or thing I could let it out on. I stopped, he was out cold and I sat on the floor looking at him, at his face and looking at what I had done. I smiled.

It was just about dawn when he woke up, his face swollen. He was confused. He noticed me still sitting, my back up against the wall looking at him. We were both silent for a minute and then he said "what the hell happened"? I answered him. I told him what I did and then he looked at his wrists and noticed he was still tied up. He asked why and I explained how much I grew to hate him and how much I wanted to get him back. He was silent, didn't say a thing. I walked away into a different room, thinking what I should do next. Let him go or keep hurting him. If I let him go would he tell the cops, would I go to jail?. After a few moments I heard him struggling to break the ropes his wrists were tied in. I ran into the room he was in and hit him. He was weak and I laughed. I hit him a few more times till he stopped making any sounds. I kicked him in the side, burned him with a lighter and yelled at him till my voice was stressed. I stepped back and laughed at him. Called him names and finally gave him the chance to tell me why he hurt me and what I did that he had to leave me. He said nothing. So iIwaited. 2 nights went by and finally he answered "I love you so much that it kills me, I miss you more than you realize but it was your age. No one understood when I told them you were the girl I wanted for the rest of my life and no matter what I had to do id do it, it was so hard for me to not talk to you all this time. You deserve so much better than that and I know how hurt you are and Im sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I know I deserve this pain. And im sorry I lied, Im sorry I didn't keep my promise". "what promise" I asked. "when I said I would be faithful to us, I wasn't. It was just 1 girl, she meant nothing. I thought of you the whole time, please forgive me".

I stepped back and looked at her face, swollen yet sorry. I grew angry and even more hurt, betrayed and started yelling once more. "How could you do this to me" I yelled "I treated you better than anyone I have ever known". "Im sorry" he said. I walked away in rage, thinking how much I should hit him. I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a knife and made my way back into the room he was in. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the fact that he was with another girl. He looked at me, scared and sorry. He pleaded with me that he really was sorry and if he could take it all back he would. I had no remorse for him at all, all I could picture was his body i'm a deep red pool of blood. My hand felt as if it were glued to the knife and I couldn't let go, I held it above my head, but in that second my reality came to mind. I stopped suddenly, dropped the knife, fell to the floor and started crying. I looked him, his face and what I had done. I was scared and my body started to shake, with tears rolling down my face I had slightly and quietly spoken the 2 little words I never wanted to say "i'm sorry" I said. "This was never supposed to happen' none of it was. We were supposed to be together and we said we would wait, but you hurt me and I was so scared and felt so much pain I just needed you to feel at least an ounce of it and you never did until now, I loved you and you were so afraid to love me back, now its too late and its over" I cried till i couldn't anymore, got up and walked around to clear my head, I heard him talking and telling me that I never would have done it anyway even if he wasn't sorry. Every memory was flooding my head and tears started rolling down my face. I wanted to forget him, forget everything he did together and forget how much he hurt me. I looked at him and my hatred grew once more, annoyed and irritated I walked into his room, grabbed his handgun and shot. My eyes shut I heard nothing but the counting in my head. One, two, three. I looked up, his limp lifeless body lay there in a dark red puddle of blood. I finally had ahold of myself and looked around, looked at his body and seen him laying in blood. I finally felt free. but then I heard someone pull in the driveway. It was his cousin, I ran to the window, grabbed my gun and shot his leg, clean shot. I tied him up and put him back in his car, I took his phone and smashed it in the road. Him in the back and the dead body in the trunk, I started driving. I drove till I saw water, a cliff and then I stopped. I dragged his body to the edge of the cliff and pushed his body off into the water. I yelled to the top of my lungs and was silent for a minute. I started walking back to the car and I saw his cousin struggle to get out of the back seat. I let him out, he started to run so I shot him and left him there in his blood.

I got back in the car and started driving till I could see were trees and endless roads. I went through 7 states, hundreds of miles to think about what to do and what I have done. I saw the state line of Tennessee and thats where I stopped. With no where to live I slept in the car for a few days. Took out every dollar from my bank account and found a nice little apartment in a small quiet town, so small the corner store near the fish shack was the only store for miles. I walked around the town trying to get my sense of where everything was and how people worked around here, they all seemed friendly almost like a movie or something. I liked enough to stay there. I changed my hair and a few days after of getting settled I got a job at the fish shack, everyone was so nice there, all the locals and the neighborhood kids always smiled and laughed. Finally the world was lifted off of my shoulders and a few months went by, and my life was just simple again. I found myself and the the owner of the corner store and I hit it off pretty well. He had lived there his whole life and was running the store with his father. Years went by until I had thought about the crazy obsession it seemed that I had, killing two people and then leaving my whole life and everything I had known my whole life. I heard on the news that two hikers in Maine had came across human remains, only bones. I was worried. But it didn't cross my mind for a week after that. I was 27, engaged and my old life was starting to creep up on me. I wasnt gonna let it so, after years of being gone ,I called my sister. She was surprised. She thought she would never hear from me again. I told her everything and She told me not to worry that no one even reported them missing, that their family just thought they left the state. I was relieved and even though I thought about it I knew I was safe and ok. I go married a month after I had called my sister and I was happy. I had never told my husband what I did, why I did it or even why I came to Tennessee. I'm 45 now, and that was so long ago. I am an ordinary person and my name will soon be forgotten. There will be no history books about me or even written reports, I will die and my name won't be remembered after a while and i'm ok with that. I will take my secrets to the grave.