Ah capitalism, the greatest economic system to ever grace God’s wondrous, dying earth. A free market where anyone becomes anything. Screw pesky bureaucrats and senseless politicians, people should be able to do absolutely anything they want for sweet, sweet moola. Mmmm, I can almost taste the metallic tang of those beautiful green rectangles.

As of right now, no country truly runs a completely capitalist economy. Some sort of government, big brother, or all-powerful AI algorithm wiggles its way into the limelight to stop pure capitalism. Even the home of the American dream—grand old USA—wrongly interferes with what should be a completely unregulated industry. I mean no wonder climate change is such a big problem, we aren’t giving enough power to the handful of old, monocled quadrillionares pacing back and forth in mansions that cost more than countries.

If you were wondering, the impending doom of earth is largely correlated with economic endeavors. Oil, natural gas, coal, and lube are all sold and exchanged on commercial bases. Each one contributes to the warming of our planet in some way, especially lube—if you catch my drift (people be mad overpopulating). So, what’s the solution to our earth’s predicament? Boy, do I have a fantastic solution for you! A gift to all those who will hear me out.

Every economy in the world should do a quick switch-a-roo to pure capitalism.

Now, I already know exactly what you’re thinking. It’s an out-of-the-ballpark, Nobel-prize deserving, world-saving, mind-boggling, gut-wrenching, toe-curling idea. It’s almost as revolutionary as Karl Marx’s The Communist Manifesto.

Just imagine the sheer glory that would ensue in a completely capitalist society, not to mention the countless problems that would undeniably be instantly solved. The world as we know it would finally be free, let loose from the shackles of any kind of control or regulation. No more slimeballs yipping and yapping about how ‘laissez-faire industry is destroying our atmosphere’ or that ‘wealth and income inequality is a serious problem’. As if anyone believes in that laughable propaganda anyways.

Everybody knows what’s best for business is ultimately best for the Earth. But don’t take my word for it, take the word of literally any rich person ever, such as my favorite robot in the world, Mark Zuckerberg. Don’t you want a data-plundering, lizard-like, inhuman-looking man running society? Personally, I’m fine with powerful, multibillion-dollar monopolies like Facebook stealing my private information. After all, they are doing it for the greater good of the planet, not to create an all-knowing evil algorithm right?

Everyone would get a shot at the big leagues with pure capitalism; well, if daddy’s white and wealthy that is. I mean who doesn’t want to chuckle quietly while maniacally swishing around a cold glass of bourbon? The rich would get richer—yay—the poor would get poorer—rightly so—and the middle class would most likely cease to exist—who needs them anyway? There wouldn’t be any handouts or government aid, simply an unchecked, worldwide grab for cash. Only the best and most corrupt could exploit and manipulate enough to rise to the tippy-top.

How does any of this solve Earth’s demise you ask? Well, if it hasn’t been explicitly stated already, the greedy grimesters sitting in their unaffordable penthouses are always looking for a way to make another quick buck. They’ll sell whatever crap they can to consumers if it means more gold coins. However, if the planet explodes and everyone dies—no more doubloons. So, right before we all perish from an unlivable atmosphere, all the head-honcho capitalist bros will band together and solve the problem. Then we’ll all be able to buy the new rose-gold iPhone 34 max pro! I know it sounds just a little far-fetched, but I swear on Mark Zuckerberg’s human-hood that it will work perfectly.  

So, stay diligent citizens, and have nothing to fear, for capitalism is the cure.