I remembered those last words that my ears had ever heard from my cousin Ashley’s small lips. Her small scrawny hand pressed against the lever on her battery powered wheelchair to go forward and out the door of my Grandma’s house on May first two thousand and thirteen. On that day as she was rolling herself out that old mahogany door of our grandparents house and I had’nt known that at that moment was the last time I would ever hear her talk again, or even see her for that matter. I didnt know that Ashley was going to die days later and I was completely clueless about knowing that this would be the last time I would have ever hug her ever again.

My cousin Ashley was sick. Not just with the flu or a virus going around but she had a disease. Ashley’s disease was deadly, life threatening. It always had been but not until now did I truly believe it. I never believed anything until it was too late or didn’t matter anymore. It never did mean anything to Ashley or anybody else that I didn’t believe that her disease was slowly killing her. I guess that I never really picked up on the signs. Ashley was forced to wear a small neck brace to hold up her head because her bones were all still cartilage and hadn’t developed like all the regular fourteen year old girls.

Every holiday and family gathering we went to I got a sick feeling in my stomach every time I looked over and saw Ashley reaching up and whining,and begging to her mother or anyone else would give her food. Nobody ever did. People were always too afraid that she wouldn’t make it very much longer. With Ashley’s disease she hadn’t ever ate a solid food in her life. All of her liquids were delivered to her straight from tubes inserting through her stomach.

This was another family gathering where Ashley begged for a single cookie crumb while the rest of her family sat there shoving forks and spoons covered in ham and potatoes into their mouths. It was a small May day gathering and as soon as the words “See ya later Ash” exited my mouth as she was wheeling herself out the door, Ashley came to an abrupt stop. In a quarter of a second Ashley’s chair had been rolled in front of me and her small isolated figure had been placed upon me.

With all the strength that her disease left her she used to fling her arms up motioning me to lift her up even though she was fourteen not two. Her age didn’t matter. I extended my arms out and quickly lifted the forty pounds that she weighed up onto my hip. With her arms around me like a baby monkey to her mother she squeezed as hard as she could. She hugged me like me a teddy bear and her a young child. With little pressure and strength I hugged her back not wanting to crush her bones. I was an elephant compared to her ant sized body.

At that very moment was when my life changed forever. Ashley stretched her toothpick thin neck up towards my face. Her lips brushed my ear as she whispered “This may be the last time. Make it worth it.” Alarmed I let go fiddling with my hands pushing them down towards my sides after I placed Ashley back into her chair. A smile that even I couldn’t read flashed across my face as I said “See ya later Ash.” Letting her leave I stepped back waving with a large, wide fake smile plastered over my sad, worried, and frightened one.

Anger shot through me. It hit all major arteries and went blazing full speed through my veins. But what it really blasted through was my heart. Crucially it hit me when I wasn’t even ready for it. I was furious with Ashley. With her being sick and on edge I didnt plan on confronting her not wanting to make her feel bad or strike a nerve. Just at the thought of Ashley repeating those words gave me the shivers. I had now despised those words that had exited her mouth and inserted through my ear straight to my heart.

Days and weeks slowly and quietly passed on by and all of my family was telling me that Ashley wanted me there. They all said that she was getting worse everyday. Feeling empty and confused I always answered with “well, that sucks”. My mother, uncle, aunts, and grandparents filled me in everyday about how bad it was getting and how I needed to get over there. They all knew that deep down I wanted to go. They just didn’t know about what ashley had said to enable me to mask over the urge to go see her with hatred. I never did get over what she said until it was too late. I had been mad at Ashley for what she had said. I thought about how Ashley was acting as if her disease had already defeated her when it hadn’t and those thought made the fire in my heart grow bigger.

Sixteen days after the Family gathering I sat in Mrs.McCain’s seventh grade math class. there had been an announcement that I thought had killed me. Before Mrs.McCain shared the announcement I was laughing and carrying on with my life at school with my friends. Mrs.McCain loudly cleared her throat clearly motioning for us to be quiet and pay attention. As she started speaking with her usual light wispy voice she calmly said “A seventh grade girl by the name of Ashley had passed away this morning. Sorry for your loss.” The whole world around me spun and no words coming from mrs.McCain or any of my friends made sense. Like a vision to the past all the memories of our May day gathering rush in and out of my head bringing a stinging feeling to the back of my eyes. I was so lost and confused and just wanted to fall over defeated and dead. Dead like ashley was. Mrs. McCain’s words hit me like a knife to the heart. Like a fire extinguisher the flames in my heart went out and took my heart with it. It burned into nothing. Tears flooded my eyes leaving me blind. I let them flow not caring what people were saying or doing.

I was stupid for not going and seeing Ashley. But I knew that she loved me and I still loved her. Even though she wasn’t here I still had my memories. I especially had the memories of Ashley and I’s last conversation together, and that last hug that will forever last me a million lifetimes.