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Ok so I think I've had this halfway figured out for some time now.
At a football game once I talked the whole way through to a couple of buddies about my whole philosophy on life of sorts. Perhaps it was more a theory.
The essence of what I said was: most things don't matter. Life is life and living it has very little meaning beyond that. Searching for something more is often a waste of time, whereas creating meaning for yourself is less wasteful and more rewarding.
Humans are very much animal, but one of the main things that separate us from other animals is our 'civility' and sense of community. Caring for each other and the ability or desire to occasionally put others first. At least that's what I like to say.
Without language and words, again, I say, not that I have any authority on the matter, we would not have achieved as effective of a community as we have. With its many flaws, at its core it functions decently.
I value a sense of community, and due to its grand influence on this, I value words equally.
I feel it is my obligation to use words to contribute to my community in a usef
ul way. This means much more to me than stories. It has a very broad meaning.
However, I feel people have callings and passions, and that fulfillment should be pursued. Fulfillment is important in life, because w/o it where would we find contentment? Passions and callings are a means of finding this. I value the act of pursuing one's passion or calling for the sake of personal fulfillment because I feel that is the only way to truly discover a way to meaningfully contribute to one's community.
Writing is my passion. As a highly reserved person, something about written word is more appealing to me than spoken. I've decided writing is ultimately the only way I will ever be able to truly and successfully provide anything of meaning to my community.
Through my writing I hope to provide a source of; sometimes entertainment, sometimes comfort or inspiration, sure, but mainly just a source to relate to, because our ability to connect to each other on such intimate levels is beautiful and important.
To me, community is what makes us human, and I seek to find humanity within myself.
I feel I struggle with this. Oftentimes I catch myself feeling like I hate people. "In general," I always try to cushion the extremity of the emotion. Then I realize that's almost worse. It completely contradicts every thing I believe in.
Writing helps me refocus on my purpose. My purpose is to constantly seek out new experiences to increase my understanding of the world, so that I may gain more and more knowledge to pull from when providing anything of importance to the world through my writing.
I care deeply about other people, though most of the time I feel I appear to act selfishly, and can sometimes come across as self-absorbed. In truth, I'm just so scared of letting people down. Even worse, I fear the thoughts I have to live with on a daily basis. Doubts and petty wishes are a source of madness for me.
As a sort of aspiring writer, I am very much in my head. This has led to many problems for me.
On one hand I am very grateful for my place in life.
all mean nothing to me.
On the other, I am very discontent with the way I utilize my place in life.
These days, the problem I struggle to face is more in maintaining clarity. I have resolve, but even still, I struggle with escaping my own mind. I can find satisfaction in building experiences and reflecting on those experiences, bettering myself, and putting that into some form of art, story, or some other piece for sharing with others in some way. What then negates that optimism is doubt that what I'm doing is meaningless in all ways. I can handle not being remembered after or being considered significant today and tomorrow. I just want to have contributed in one real way. Making one person chuckle at some insightful joke I made in a story isn't lasting. All I truly fear I will never be able to achieve is the ability to make a lasting impression or meaningful influence on even one person with my words, even indirectly.
Some days I tell myself I already have, but then I lose that confidence despite no real reason to doubt that I have.