In any given day, I observe a number of hypocrites, most of them human, a few of them lawyers and politicians. Several are people I know and love, most of them are those I know and wish I didn’t. When dealing with hypocrites, there are a number of factors I take into account, such as their authority over me, the extent that I like/dislike them, and their tendency towards violence. In the end, I normally result to one of four methods.
The first option is to leave the room. However, this is not always convenient and never entertaining, so I, personally, rarely use it. Because I have to put up with so many hypocrites each day, the solution I use most is to quietly listen with an oh-so-discreet smirk on my face, and save up the tidbits of absurdity that issue from their mouths. Later, with the assistance of my friends, I derisively dismiss the idiocy that I had been subjected to earlier, often using a mocking tone that my sisters taught me. If, as is sometimes the case, it is my friends themselves who are providing the hypocrisy, I follow the same method of silent attention, but later I complain to my mother instead of to them. I use a third method to handle hypocrites, but only on the occasion that I find myself in a foul mood brought on by lack of sleep, an excess of stress, and computer/coffeemaker malfunctions. At these times, I become a ticking time bomb of sarcasm, and have difficulty dealing with hypocrisy in a diplomatic manner. Instead, I find it stress relieving to make use of a verbose utterance, informing the hypocrite through multi-syllable, convoluted wording that my opinion of them considerably lowers every time they open their mouths. By using a low, sharp, cutting tone and speaking rapidly, I insure that comprehension of my meaning is not immediate and therefore have the pleasure of observing perplexity splayed across their features until they realize that they have been insulted (by which time I have vacated the premises). There is a fourth way of dealing with hypocrites, but I am still perfecting it. When hypocrites speak, they often pause and glance around the room, as if making sure that their listener is hanging on to every word or perhaps expecting to be congratulated. I try to use this pause in the conversation to my advantage. By compressing my lips in a certain way and pushing air through the back of my throat, I am able to produce a decidedly contemptuous sound, something of a mix between a snort and a tsskk. This, along with a delicately arched eyebrow and a slight curl of the lips, should, in theory, be enough to wordlessly relay the same message as the aforementioned scathing remark, and therefore prompt the hypocrite to put silence to use. Unfortunately, many hypocrites are incredulous when it comes to the idea that anyone could possibly find their opinions to be less than brilliant and remarkable. On the one occasion that I saw fit to use this method, I was merely looked at curiously, and offered a cough drop.
Of the four methods listed above, I recommend the second above all. It is simple and much used: Be quiet now, gossip later. Also, while it is impossible to entirely avoid hypocrisy, you can avoid much of it by cutting off access to television, Internet, newspapers, telephone communication, and anything to do with politicians and celebrities. If these measures are to extreme for you, I can only suggest staying in bed or becoming a hypocrite yourself, if you aren’t already. I hope this guide has helped and please remember: Hypocrites are people too (or so they would have us believe).