As the David Bowie song implies, life is full of changes. High school was a big one for me. Being a small little nervous eighth grader was hard enough, now I have to worry about college and what I’m doing for the rest of my life. Pressure was high. The first day of high school was probably the worst day. I was late to all of my classes because I had no clue where I was going. I fell asleep in my 6th period. Algebra 1., I had been good at math but never super exceptional, I had decided it was just my teachers. I always blamed other people for the things I had problems with. What I didn’t expect, was the teacher. She was very bubbly and happy and very open about a lot of things in her busy life and that was the absolute opposite of myself. I had lots of issues Freshman year.

“... Still don’t know what I was waitin’ for, and my time was runnin’ wild, a million dead end streets…”

My issues started with my friends, or lack thereof. I was a very insecure and very nervous and anxious person. I had no idea how to deal with these feelings and I didn’t notice I had a problem until the first week of school. I had this very sudden feeling hit me when I had to introduce myself and present projects. The blood rushed to my head making my face turn a magenta-like color. My palms became clammy and moist. My thoughts swarmed my head as I went into panic mode. My throat tightened. My jaw clenched shut. Tears welled in my eyes. My voice was mute. I couldn’t speak. I ran out of the room shook furiously started hyperventilating. My body swarmed with fear.

Anxiety; definition: A nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.

This definition quickly took over my school life. A panic attack once a day wasn’t uncommon for me. This whole time my emotions are building up with no outlet to release them. I thought I had it figured out and could deal with it on my own. Yeah right. Yet, who noticed it first?

“...Everytime I thought I had it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet, so I turned myself to face me...”

Mrs. Bonger. Long, dark, milk chocolate brown curly hair. Plain but distinct face with a nose that is crazily similar to my own. Short but huge personality. The teacher I wrote off as just being someone I wouldn’t get along with. My grade in her class was good which was rare for me in math. The way she explained everything was amazing. I actually understood everything. I went in to get help if I needed it. Math eased my anxiety.

“...Strange fascinations fascinate me…”

I felt warm and happy and it made me forget about all the problems in the my world. Still my emotions were like huge monsters trying to break through a locked steel door. It felt like I would combust at any moment. I went to ask about our rollercoaster assignment that I didn’t quite get. She noticed my difference in being. She was able to tell if I had the tiniest mood change. She asked me one question… “How are you?”. I broke.

“...I watch the ripples change their size, but never leave the stream, of warm impermanence, and so the days float through my eyes...”

If you could see someone spill their guts about their whole life, that happened to be me. I combusted. Cleanup on aisle 16. She explained her own life issues and she comforted me. Everyday since then I went to her in the morning to vent and her to vent to me. She became more like family than my own. She listened. She comforted me. Mostly, she didn’t make me feel worse than I already did.

“...And these children that you spit on, As they try to change their worlds, Are immune to your consultations, They’re quite aware of what they’re goin’ through...”

Her brown eyes stared right through me. Most people would find that unsettling. I found comfort in her being able to tell if I was on the verge of crying without me even blinking. Math became my fluent language. I could solve any problem with ease. My real issue was talking to people besides my math problems. Again, she was right there to help me reach out to people and she made me feel like I was in control of my issues when I knew I wasn’t.

Fast forward, Sophomore year. I took two math classes and they were honors classes so I could still have Mrs. Bonger for my teacher. My issues dissipated, anxiety still there, depression lingering.

Depression; definition: feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

Another definition that took over my life. The first time I noticed? I was in German. I suddenly got a shiver and started thinking I was worthless and that there was no point in doing anything because I could never amount to anything. My thoughts ate me alive. The overwhelming feeling. The gut wrenching thoughts. This wasn’t triggered by a person or words that were spoken to me. My own doubts took over. Just as fast as the feelings came on they left and Mrs. Bonger was there to help me. Every chapter I went through during those years, she was there to correct and edit. Helping me all the way to Junior year.

“... Ah, changes are takin’, The pace I’m going through…”

I still have immense amounts of anxiety and depression and many other issues. Who doesn’t have lots of issues these days? Though I still have social anxiety and keep to myself mostly, I’m able to talk to people more than I did. My depression is still very prevalent in my brain but I can control it more and do things that help me feel better.  Lots of people say either you can’t help mental disorders, or you need to be admitted into a psychiatric unit. Well I’m living proof you don’t need to be admitted.

“... ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, Turn and face the strange, ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...”

The disorder may never go away but you can control it. Get help. Therapists aren’t always the answer sometimes talking your issues out with someone you trust is the way to do everything.

“...Pretty soon now you’re gonna get older, time may change me, but I can’t trace time…”

Thank you for all you’ve done for me Mrs. Bonger. I appreciate you a lot, Second Mom.  I don’t think my life would be like this if you didn’t believe that I could get through everything. Thank you for helping me be more like me and less of my issues. Thank you for everything you do for your students you not only impact all their lives, but you’ve impacted mine more than you’ll ever know. Just thank you. I love you lots Mrs. Bonger.