This is absolutely ridiculous. All because of my brother having a football game, I was completely tossed aside. He deserves some attention, but I shouldn’t be left home alone without being asked if I wanted to go. Sighing, I put in earbuds and flopped on my bed. Closing my eyes, I let the music and darkness take over my senses. A piano ballad flooded my hearing and I quickly recognized the song as “The Truth Untold”.

It’s almost five in the morning, but there I was, wide awake and emotionally unstable. It’s all because of the BTS comeback, but it was worth it in the end. I was up since 4 and they already did their live broadcast and in a couple of minutes, they were going to drop the music video. 3… 2… 1. Right as the clock hit 5 o’clock, I was refreshing ‘BigHit Entertainment’ on YouTube and clicking on the video. About half an hour after watching complete art, I was on Spotify waiting for them to drop the album. Click. Nothing. Click. Nothing. Click. There it is, the album of the century, “LOVE YOURSELF 轉 Tear”. I clicked shuffle play and the first song on the roster was “전하지 못한 진심 (The Truth Untold)”. I choked on air, it’s a piano medley. “It’s a Steve Aoki collaboration, it’s supposed to be upbeat. Wait, this is just the vocal line, where’s the rap line?”, I thought to myself. I close my eyes and let my emotions take over and I just completely break down. After I calmed down, I looked up the lyrics and I started to cry even harder. “I’m afraid / So pathetic / I’m so afraid In the end, will you leave me too? / So I’m putting on a mask to go see you”. My head was spinning, “I didn’t think that they have so many insecurities now”, I said to myself. At that moment, the realization hit. They’re just like me, they have insecurities and dark moments, we’re not different at all.

The song finished and I was a little teary-eyed. On to the next song. “Mm? Eoseo wa, Bangtaneun cheoeumiji?”, I heard RM say. I recognized “쩔어(Dope)” almost immediately. The first time I heard this was at the third bowling tournament of my freshman year. I was both mesmerised and confused.

“Hey Brinnae, can I show you another song?”

“Yeah, sure Abby”

“Awesome! You’re going to love it I promise”, said Abby.

It starts out with this younger man in a military uniform, Rap Monster, I think. Then a fairly attractive boy comes out in a police officer uniform and everything’s just super confusing, almost overwhelming. After getting home, I try to remember what song Abby showed me and I looked it up. It’s basically them bragging about how ‘dope’ they are; the more I look into the lyrics, the deeper the meaning gets. They’re explaining how the only reason that they’re so successful is because they gave up their youth instead of partying like everyone else. Reading through the rest of the lyrics, one verse stuck out to me; “The media and adults say we don’t have willpower; condemning us like stocks; Why are they killing us before we can even try; Why are you hanging your head and accepting it already?; Don’t ever give up, you know you not lonely; Our dawn is prettier than the day; So can I get a little bit of hope?;Wake your sleeping youth, go”. In that moment, I realized how aware they are of society’s corruptness and that’s when I started investing my time in analyzing their music videos and lyrics.

The guitar and piano harmony that invaded my senses caused my breath to hitch. People think that guitar and piano blends together as well as cats and dogs get along, but this song makes it work so majestically.

About an hour into watching Wings Tour videos, I saw: ‘BTS A.R.M.Y. Try Not To Cry Challenge’, and acting naïve, I clicked on it. The boys were singing a beautiful, obviously heartfelt song, but then they stopped singing, and they held out their mics to the sea of purple lights as A.R.M.Y. continued to fill the concert venue with their voices intertwining together like the hands of a newly-wed couple. Since I was already emotional, I teared up and frantically looked for the name of the song to find out that the name of the song is “둘! 셋! (그래도 좋은 날이 더 많기를) / 2! 3! (Hoping For More Good Days)”. Using my natural instinct, I quickly found a lyric video out of the endless fancams, so I could see 3 kinds of lyrics: Korean, Romanized, and English translations. Immersing myself into the lyrics and music more and more, I quickly realized that they wrote the song for us and it made me feel loved. The entirety of the song is meaningful especially, “Behind the stage, I’m in the shadow, I’m in the darkness;I didn’t want to show you my pain;But I still lack so much;I only wanted to make you smile;I wanted to be good”.

I smiled fondly as the song ended and as the next song came on, “Answer: Love Myself”. This song has so much meaning to me, it’s crazy, almost pathetic.

‘Seriously Spotify?’, I thought to myself. It wasn’t even playing BTS at that point. I sighed and closed the app, opening up YouTube and putting matters into my own hands. Tracklist at hand, I checked off the songs I already listened to and went from there. First up on the roster, “Answer: Love Yourself”. 20 minutes after their comeback and there’s already lyric videos, unbelievable. Soft piano fills the room and I instantly felt safe and protected. To start off the masterpiece, Jimin’s feminine voices sang softly, and then on to Jungkook, Suga whispered his name before his verse I laughed as a small child would. That is what it felt like to be in total euphoria, joy just bubbled out of me. The song makes me feel loved, this song will help me through dark times, I already knew it. The end of the song was nearing and my ears picked up on Jimin and Jungkook harmonizing. “The me of yesterday, the me of today, the me of tomorrow / (I’m learning how to love myself) / With no exceptions, it’s all me (Woah~)”. As if I wasn’t emotional enough, that was what broke me. I cried for a decent amount of time and then I glanced at the clock. Panic flooded through me. “Crap, I have to get ready for school. Wait, it’s still summer break… bless”, I thought to myself. I checked my phone and I have 27 messages from Leah. I read them and they’re all her freaking out and talking about songs I didn’t listen to yet. More messages flooded in and I tried my best to respond without screaming.

A drop of something warm rolled down my cheek; a tear. “I’m so stupid”, I thought to myself. My stomach growled fiercely as lunchtime rolled around. Noticing that the Bluetooth radio in the kitchen is available, I paired my phone so that I could resume my music. As I started to cook my ramen, the song that started it all started to play, “불타오르네 (Fire)”. Completely ignoring the food, which was still on the stove, and I followed along to choreography that I memorized, and I sang along to the song.

“The first tournament of the year is always the hardest, you’ll be fine”, Lauren said to me in an attempt to calm me down. It was my first high school bowling tournament and I was not having it. Abby and Miranda pulled me off to the side and told me that they wanted to show me something. I let them show me it, but, to be honest, I cared about nothing besides the tournament. Pulling out her phone, Abby typed something and propped her phone up against the towel. It was a video called “[MV] BTS(방탄소년단) _ FIRE (불타오르네)”, but it’s not in English… weird. I did admit, it was catchy. They all look really hot, all except one of them has stupid hair, but his face is still beautiful. Seeing as the video distracted me, I only caught a few of the lyrics. “Just live because we’re young; Who are you to compare me with others? / I’m only human”. I smiled softly and got ready for practice rounds.

Reflecting on how music can change someone’s life, I realized how much it changed mine. If it wasn’t for BTS or music in general, I wouldn’t be here today writing this memoir. It changed me as a person and they taught me that the answer to a good life is to love myself and love others.