I’m not the best at sharing my emotions and feelings, especially about this sensitive of a topic. Before we dive too deep into my life, let me introduce myself; I’m Jenna. I am currently 18 years old and to be quite honest I am surprised I’ve made it this far. You’re probably questioning what I mean by this, I promise we will get there eventually. Let’s throw it back a few years.

I was in 7th grade, attending a small private school, and I had no idea what life was really like outside the walls of the old building. Believe it or not, 7th grade was the most challenging year of my life. I have two brothers named Kyle and Chris. At the time my older brother, Kyle, was a junior in high school. Coming from a private school into a huge public school is a pretty big change. The transition for my brother wasn’t the best. He made new friends but his new friends weren’t the best influences. He started heavily using drugs, I was surrounded by drugs when I was 13 years old. I saw things a kid should never see, I heard things a kid should never hear, I went through things a kid should never have to go through. This forced me to grow up from a young age and mature faster than all the other kids I was surrounded by on a daily basis. Although I seem really immature now as an 18 years old, if you’ve ever had a one on one discussion with me, you will see how mature I really am.

As my 7th grade year progressed, my brothers drug addiction did too. It was getting worse and worse, I thought it’d never end. My parents could no longer try and fix this themselves so they called the police. My parents love us and they love him, but it was best that they have him not around my younger brother and I. They did this for our safety and his health. My brother was then put into a juvenile detention center. Along with being put in a juvenile detention center, he also had to complete classes, attend drug court, he was put on probation and in a required rehab organization. The things that happened to my brother impacted my family and myself very negatively, it was tearing our, once picture perfect family apart. As he continued with all of his rehab, it felt like my family was finally making progress. Everyone was making progress besides me. I was constantly depressed, confused and hurt. While everything looked like it was getting better for my family, my grandma passed away.

My grandma was my number one supporter and fan, she was my best friend. When she passed away, my whole world felt like it was crashing down around me. I felt like the world was against me, it was almost, as if, every bad thing possible was happening to me at one time. I was suffering in silence, I refused to tell anybody what was really going on. I wore this fake facade as if it were real. I could’ve won an Oscar with how good I was pulling it off. Time passed and everything got worse and worse. I finally made it to high school, I was excited for a change but I was so nervous. I thought that maybe things would get better, little did I know there was a huge storm coming, and it was coming right for me.

Freshman year, I met so many people and I was on the starting lineup for the lacrosse team. I felt like things were looking up, I had a good group of friends, my teammates that were upperclassmen really helped me find myself and who I really was. It was nice to be surrounded by people who didn’t care that I was different, I was able to be my real self around them, I didn’t fear who I really was anymore. Did I just win the battle against my mind?

Sophomore year rolled around, I was excited to grow up and return to school. This just so happened to be one of the hardest years of high school. I had a friend who exposed me to a bunch of people. She was one of the only people who knew my deepest, darkest, secret; I trusted her. She started to tell everyone, rumor after rumor, I had nowhere to hide from it. I was no longer comfortable with myself, I was scared of others and their opinions. This dragged me down so far, I was losing friendships and I got my heart broken for the first time. I started becoming suicidal, I was not afraid of anything, I was in so much pain emotionally and mentally. I will never forget how I felt. I was empty, numb, and incapable of controlling my emotions. I would have these random outbursts, I was constantly angry and hurt. It got to the point where taking my own life seemed like the only way out; I had to escape. One of my best friends saved my life that night. After that night, I was doing everything in my power to get a grasp on reality; it was slipping through my fingertips.

As sophomore year progressed, my mental health declined. I stopped showing up to school, I never left my bedroom. I’d lock myself in my room and sit in complete darkness by myself. I never even went on my phone, I was in my head for months, I couldn’t escape. I started failing my classes and I got kicked off the lacrosse team. That was my breaking point, I was so ashamed by how I let it take control over me the way it did, but I know that it’s all just part of my story. Lacrosse was my only happy place, I put my blood, sweat, and tears into that sport. It was my escape, being kicked off killed me. I vowed to get stronger not only physically but mentally and emotionally and return the next year. I had the mindset of, “A minor setback makes a huge comeback,” and I lived by that. I worked so hard that summer.

That summer, I felt like I found myself. I was working out like crazy, gaining strength not only physically but mentally. I fell in love with a boy named Curtis, he was my best friend. He didn’t care that I wasn’t the prettiest, funniest or smartest. He loved me despite my flaws. The school year rolled around and I was ready to take it on and get good grades, play lacrosse, and be happy. The weekend of my 17th birthday, my parents called me downstairs to talk to them. They sat me down, and I will never forget the words my father said. “You know we love you so much and we are so thankful that you are in our lives but, your mother and I have decided to get a divorce. It has nothing to do with you, you didn’t cause this, it’s just that sometimes people fall out of love.” My heart shattered, I didn’t understand at all. I immediately grabbed my keys and got into my car and drove to my best friend's house. She didn’t really understand and kept saying that maybe they’d get back together. As we sat in my car talking about what was happening, we somehow started arguing. She loved to start stuff with me and she loved to play the victim. As I’m sitting there crying over my parent’s divorce she was yelling at me for not being a good enough friend. I was hurting and she was the one person I needed in that moment of time.

I felt so alone, she wasn’t there and I felt like I couldn’t tell Curtis. So instead, I broke up with him. I drove to his house with tears in my eyes, telling him that I needed to be alone for a while and I told him about the divorce. This was the worst mistake of my life, but I always had a habit of pushing those that love me, away. He was hugging me as we both stood there crying, I could hear his heart physically break. He told me he’d always love me and always be there for me. It was so hard and I couldn’t even call my best friend to tell her. I was alone, completely alone. I had no one to rely on. I thought that this year was going to be my year, I felt like I was finally happy but once again, I was back to where I started. The world was once again crashing down around me.

My parents ended up seeing signs of self harming and they called a psychiatrist and psychologist. I started going to therapy regularly and eventually they put me on medication. I was having some better times. I met my best friend my junior year. I met her in my 1st period language arts class, her name is Macy. Macy and I shared so many interests, one of them being traveling. That year we went to Niagara Falls, Chicago and Costa Rica together. She made me feel like I was on top of the world, she showed me how much beauty there was to see in the world. I stepped out of my comfort zone and fell in love with travelling. I want to say that finding my love for travelling saved my life, it gave me something to look forward to.

Junior year continued and I found myself hanging with the wrong crowd. I had a friend that was getting me into things I shouldn’t. I felt like I was turning into my brother, something that I never wanted to be. I took a turn for the worst. At this point, lacrosse season was in full swing and I was team captain. Ms. Strazzanti, my guidance counselor, made the executive decision to send me to the hospital for a psych evaluation because she noticed how bad things were. I went to the hospital where they gave me a psych evaluation. The doctors decided that I wasn’t to the point where I should be in the hospital. They cleared me to go back to school, lacrosse and work but they changed my medication. They prescribed me an anti anxiety medication that works like xanax. Later that day, I returned to lacrosse and my coaches pulled me aside and talked to me. I burst into tears because I felt so ashamed. My once little secret was out, I was the depressed girl. I felt like I let the team down, my coaches down, my family down, it felt like the world was crumbling.

Our first game arrived and I was super excited, it was my first game as team captain and I was starting. First chance I get, I get the ball and immediately head for the goal. I scored 3 goals that game, it was my very first hat trick. I have never been so happy, it’s like I forgot about what was going on outside of the game that I loved so much. Game after game, I was playing my heart out. I got benched because I couldn’t stop dropping balls and I wasn’t scoring. We figured out that it was tied to my anxiety. I stopped taking my medication and all of a sudden I forgot how to play. I started taking my medication again and things got better. I didn’t know what was about to hit me, literally hit me. I was working when a 3 pound can fell on my head and gave me my second concussion. I was removed from playing for a week to recover.

My first game back after receiving the concussion, I started. My mom was at this game and I was so excited because she works a lot and usually couldn’t attend my games. I got the ball and was going towards the goal when I got slashed with a stick in the back of my head. I immediately fell to the ground and in the process someone ran over my head with their cleats. I blacked out. I remember holding the back of my head and sitting up but everything was black. When I regained my vision, my coaches and an athletic trainer were around me trying to get my attention. I said I was fine and tried to convince them to let me get back to playing. They benched me and told me I was done, the next day I was taken to the emergency room and was told I have another concussion. My heart shattered. The concussion was so bad that I was benched for the rest of the season.

As prom approached, I was in the midst of healing. I was going to prom and I was super excited but at this point, I didn’t know if I was going to be able to go. I missed a whole week of school and ended up getting rushed to the hospital the day before prom. They took me to the Strongsville Cleveland Clinic where they said it was very possible I had a brain bleed and that I needed to get transferred. I immediately got transferred to Fairview Hospital where they ran tests. I stayed the day there and they then came back and said I was fine to leave. I went to prom the next day and everything turned out fine. I was really bummed about my season ending so early but grateful that I was healthy.

The summer was finally here and I couldn’t be more excited. I spent my summer with friends and working. I went to my lake house and wake boarded for a week and everything seemed to be looking up. I went to Costa Rica with my best friends and ended up falling in love there. I came home and we continued falling in love, well I continued falling in love I guess. Months passed and the school year came and I got my heart broken. It tore me apart, I was crying constantly and I couldn’t get a grasp on my life.

I pulled myself together enough to go to school and I had a goal to make senior year the best year of my life. I was trying to keep my grades up and focus on myself. This is when applying to colleges started and I was excited for the next step of my life. I applied to all my colleges and I was so excited and anxious for acceptance letters. I got a rejection letter from my #1 school and I was absolutely crushed. I cried for 3 days, I was so upset. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to go to college, I felt like a failure.

As time has gone on, I’ve learned to find positives in negative situations. I also learned that everything that has ever happened to me has been crucial to my story. I would’ve never thought that getting rejected from my dream college would open up so many doors and opportunities. I am proud to say that next year I’ll be attending The Ohio State University. My story might be a sad one but it’s also very powerful. Sometimes good things fall apart for better things to come together. I will always thank God for giving me the life he gave me, it has made me a stronger, more independent, wiser human. It’s all a stepping stone to my very bright future.