“Honey, put on your dress we have to go.” The little girl slips on the black dress, confused. “Mommy, I want to go see Grandpa let’s go see Grandpa, pretty PLEEEAAAASSSSEEE with a cherry on top?” The four year old cries, the need and desperation in her voice are evident. Her blonde curls bounce while she is spinning circles around her mother while she begs to see her favorite person in the world. She looks up and gives her mom the best puppy dog face she could. She knew her parents just couldn’t resist her when she does this. Finally, after a look of guilt and sadness flashed on the mother’s face when she formed an idea, she exclaims, “Fine Taylor, bring a movie, while we are visiting Grandpa you can watch something.” The little girl screams, “Woohoo thanks mom! I love you very muchy thank you so much. Can I change out of this itchy dress puhlease?” The mother thinks about this for a second before carefully replying, “No, I think Grandpa would like to see you looking all pretty, don’t you?” Blondie replies, “Yeah I guess Mommy. Let’s goooooooo, Mommy I wanna see Grandpa, I can’t wait to see him, I have to tell him all about Preschool and he would love the new te-.” Mommy interrupts and says surprisingly calm, “Taylor, please just go pick out one of you and Grandpa’s favorite movies so you can watch it, we need to leave now or we will be late.” Taylor nods and skips away looking for a movie they can watch. She finally decides on All Dogs Go to Heaven. Her and Grandpa watched it all the time and sang the songs together until their lungs hurt. Just as she thinks this, a thought crosses her mind. She finds Mommy and asks the question that has her little head all jumbled up. “Mommy where are Daddy, Jenni, Jenni, and Smells?” The mom has the same sad look she had on earlier when she answered, “They are all at Church, and honey it’s Jessi and Jenni, please don’t call Kelli- Smells either, they have names you know.”

“Okay, Mommy can we go see Grandpa now?”

“Sure honey lets go.”

            Twenty minutes later, they arrive at a church in Bryant, Iowa. There are cars parked all around the church no room for one more car. You can hear the sniffling and sobbing coming from the people outside the church. Taylor recognized this and is instantly furious. She is kicking the seat and about to cry. She yells, “MOMMY YOU SAID WE WERE GOING TO SEE GRANDPA!” The mom runs a hand down her face and lets out an aggravated sigh, “We just have to stop here then we will go see Grandpa I promise honey.”

“Fine, but mommy I won’t love you anymore if we don’t get to see Grandpa.”

“Okay honey, whatever you say.”

There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~ Winnie the Pooh

            After telling Taylor to go put her dress on, I am faced with a question I don’t want to answer. ““Mommy, I want to go see Grandpa let’s go see Grandpa, pretty PLEEEAAAASSSSEEE with a cherry on top?” When I hear those words from the little innocent child standing in front of me, it makes my heart break every time. “Fine Taylor, bring a movie, while we are visiting Grandpa you can watch something.” The words leave my mouth before I even realize what I’m doing.

“Woohoo thanks mom! I love you very muchy thank you so much. Can I change out of this itchy dress puhlease?”

“No I think Grandpa would like to see you looking all pretty, don’t you?”

“Taylor, please just go pick out one of you and Grandpa’s favorite movies so you can wathc it, we need to leave now or we will be late.”

            As she walks away I wonder when I came up with that plan. Why did I tell her to bring her and Grandpa’s favorite movie? My thoughts are so jumbled, I have no clue. Now I remember. She can bring their favorite movie and set it into Grandpa’s casket. She doesn’t realize it yet, but it’s going to be the only thing going down with him. They had such a unique relationship. They understood each other so great and they got along better than anyone else I know. She’s going to be furious with me when she realizes she will not be properly seeing Grandpa today. I hate this. Taylor breaks me out of my thoughts.

“Mommy where are Daddy, Jenni, Jenni, and Smells?” Ughh. She can never get their names right. She doesn’t understand that there are two of them and that Kelli’s name isn’t Smells.

“They are all at Church, and honey it’s Jessi and Jenni, please don’t call Kelli Smells either, they have names you know.”

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” 
?Anne Lamott

            To this day I can remember the facial expressions of my mother that day and the emotions in her eyes. When I looked into her brown orbs I didn’t even notice all the sadness and anger in them. I was the naïve and oblivious four year old. I didn’t grasp the concept that Grandpa really wasn’t coming back, even after the funeral. When I walked down the aisle for the first time I believed it would be at my wedding well that obviously didn’t happen. We were introduced and forced to walk down the aisle as the, “Family of the Deceased.” As I walked down the aisle I squeezed Mommy’s hand and searched the room for Grandpa. I looked at the tear streaked faces, wondering why people were crying. I mean we are just here to do something then we are going to see Grandpa. Why is everyone crying? I was tempted at that time to yell and tell everyone to stop crying. In the end I knew it would be rude to yell so I whispered to Mommy, “Why is everyone crying?” I am greeted with silence. While I am looking around I notice my favorite cousin Eric. I was so excited, I found a friend to explain what was happening. I waved at Eric and he smiled and waved back. He looks at his Mommy who is crying too and he hugs her side in an act of comfort. I don’t think he knew what was going on either. As we are getting closer to the front of the church, I realize there is a basket at the end. I see a person and a rose in their hand. I stop in my tracks and accidently trip over my feet. I ask Mommy, “Why is Grandpa pretending to sleep?” I say this loud enough for bystanders to hear, which causes a couple muffled sobs.

            “Are we putting on a play, Mommy? Ahh I love plays! Let’s go Mommy! Mommy you can be the princess and I will be the quee-.”

            “Taylor, shhh this is not a play! Listen carefully, Grandpa is not asleep. He went up to heaven. Honey, it’s just like the movie you brought with. All Dogs Go to Heaven remember honey? It’s just like that. You won’t be able to see him for a while, but someday you will again. Don’t worry hon-.”

            “MOMMY, YOU PROMISED!”

            The sobs I thought were so loud earlier were nothing compared to the wailing coming from my sobs. I don’t understand why he can’t just come here and talk to me and play with me and give me one of his great hugs. After the initial shock wore off, I came up with an idea.

            “Mommy, I’m gonna go up there and put the movie in the basket so he can watch it whenever he misses me. Is that alright, Mommy?”

            “Sure, Taylor just put it under his hands alright? I will let you talk to him one last time okay?”

            “Thanks Mommy.”

            I remember that being the hardest thing I had ever had to do in those 4 short years. Say goodbye to the one person who understood me. Why take away the one person who got me better than anybody else. Nobody understood me like Grandpa did. All these thoughts roll through my mind while walking up to the casket.

            “Grandpa, I want you to have my copy of All Dogs Go to Heaven, I know you love it and I want you to watch it every time you miss me since I won’t be seeing you for a while. I love you Grandpa. I can’t wait for you to come back home.”