What is life? I remember asking myself this and I’m sure we’ve all wondered it at some point in time. There isn’t a checklist to complete or a timer counting down the seconds. No one told me my heart would ache or my bones shake. Most of life you have figure it out yourself.

Plain and simple just like that. You don’t get a formula sheet to figure out life’s problem, and life will have problems.

For me, my problems came nice and neat, wrapped in the special wrapping paper. The kind my Mother used only on special holidays like birthdays or Christmas.

I was 13.

First day of 8th grade and I felt lost, like I was lying on a bed of roses, with a bad case of sleep paralysis. There wasn’t an explanation, for the most part I just felt abnormal. I could see the sky and clouds, I can feel the soft wind kissing my skin, but I had no control. I knew I wasn’t always this way, but people change.

Anxiety hadn’t got to me as a child you could ask me how I feeling and I could tell you now? Now I let my Anxiety talk. It speaks for me and let’s Depression dream for me. It's all a lie though. Beautifully crafted inside the caged walls of my mind. I hate to say hello because it means there’s a goodbye. I can’t handle it. Not another one.

I honestly don’t know what that even means, I used to think my depression was the most interesting thing about me. To this day I still seek validation in my work through words and thoughts of others, and I’ve been telling myself that it’s okay.

It hits you in the lightest hours of the day. When your smile couldn’t get any wider and your heart is leading the way. It takes the happiest memories and slowly makes them fade away, until only the quiet is left.

In there lies the pain, the words and thoughts you’d never ever say. At night we ponder upon the little things “Why did I say that?”, “Why did I do that?” and you can’t stop the thoughts. So you choose to do the only thing that you know will stop them. You hide the wounds you don’t want them to see, because your wrists are supposed to be for bracelets, but bracelets can’t wrap around your heart. It will never hide the pain that eyes can’t see or the heartbreak and maybe that’s a good thing? I know it’s a bit depressing, I’m sorry, but it’s my life. The things I wish I could change, the way I thought back then. I am not the same person I was 4 years ago.

I was only 13, I didn’t see the light through the dark tunnel. I didn’t even see the tunnel. I had problems I believed no one wanted to hear so I just listened, while my pain continued to bake and glisten.

It’s the mindset there of 13 year old me, it poisoned the thoughts flowing around in my mind and it’s that mindset I should’ve thrown away. My battle with myself was minor compared to most, but every bit as significant. It’s fighting instead of giving in and walking away. Learning to pull strength from difficult situations. Sometimes you have to struggle and it’s gonna be hard, definitely worth it. Learning to trust people and most importantly trust myself.

Arguably the hardest thing for me to do, but then again what about life is easy and who said it was supposed to be?