Dear Bud,

Life is confusing and it's a struggle to find someone in this gigantic world to trust. I want to trust you, but most days are hard-for reasons I will explain.

there's a choice you have to make, which determines whether or not you truly trust someone, I'm at a cross roads between them. I have the option to either, put all my faith and trust in you, dispite there always seeming to be a missing part, or hazzy story, or even possible lying or misleading clause going on-which would be the good best friend thing to do. Or. I can trust my gut, my assumptions, my inner instint, the clues my brain gathers; of puzzle pieces that dont fit together? The things that you say, the same things that I commonly use to get someone I dont want to speak to to stop talking to me without hurting thier feelings. Are you using those same tricks on me? your best friend? the person who wants nothing more then you? Are you lying to me? Do i really trust you? Are you talking to Landon just as the kick in my stomache is aluding to me? or are you really so exhausted that you slept the whole weekend? (which is completely unlike you because you never sleep good?) but at the same time, you've been busy all week, not to mention being on your umm... you know...Is this all in my head? or is my head trying to guide me to the truth? Dylan says hes seen you texting Landon? but could it have been about a ride? or if you were also going to youth group this saturday? Or could he have been asking you what your favorite singer is (which i have still had yet to get you to admit to me) My minds in a million places-endless scenarios play on repeat in my head like they're some adicting Spotify Playlist. Am i going crazy? Do i need to see the School Counslor like my mom says? I just need someone to talk to. I want to trust you, but i dont want to learn the truth and have my heart and soul thrown like paper into a shreader...

The truth is that i am still in love with you. I havent moved on, even though you say you have.Your affection was like medicine to me, i thrived off of it. It fueled me, gave me drive-motivation, a sense of strenth, purpose. But now i feel as bare as a stray dog...abandoned...alone...forgotten...Sometimes i wish that i woke up with Amnesia, so i could go back to the normal, quiet, weirdo band kid. the kid that didnt know what Sex was like, didnt know what your Ginger lips tasted like...didnt fall asleep praying to God for you back in my arms for the stormy nights... I dont know why God is Putting me through this? is making me stronger? Preparing me for my next girlfriend? or is he teaching me patience so i can be with you once more? Life is hard, and i am utterly confused. 

I'm sending out an SOS.

Don't let me down,

I Love you.