I.

Pages cluttered my desk. Confined to these thick, cold walls, each day here was the same. The week had suddenly flown by. Is it Friday already? What did I even eat for dinner last night? I couldn’t tell you. I hate this. “You have 20 minutes,” my teacher shouts. I had studied for this test for the entirety of the Thursday night before. I feel ready. Tests are so dumb what’s the point of even learing any of this. When will I ever use it? Never. Absolutely never. I look down and the endless questions on my desk filled with content that I had force fed myself each day at school for the past two weeks.  I don’t know any of this. I have forgotten everything.

Crowded thoughts begin to steady themselves as my teacher begins playing classical piano through an outdated speaker.

A, C, Fmajor, C, A, A. It was ‘Les Adieux’. Beethoven. I picture all the notes being struck on the piano with such precision and elegance. I begin to imagine myself on pointe dancing, hitting each note.

I need to focus. I don’t have time. My heartbeat accelerates as I realize how much time has passed. My pencil in hand begins to shake as the monster of frustration’s power over me grows stronger.

Read. Read. Read.

II.

My mind keeps pressing that button like someone using the stupid little crosswalk placebo but it just does nothing. I reread the first question 1000 times before it makes sense. I feel as if my brain is melting.

But it’s so cold. Sometimes the cold is nice because you can choose to get warm. I can’t wait for Christmas. Everyone seems to always enjoy everything just a little bit more around that time of year.

Question two. I can do it. As I read, things just make less and less sense. I guess I’ll just go with C. That’s always the answer right? The number of classmates beginning to stand up is starting to grow, which threatens me.

Everyone else seems to be doing great. I wonder where she got her pants. Those are cute.

You got this.

Read. Read. Read.

Hey this isn’t too bad. As I complete the first page I flip it over to see that I have five more to go. I grow overwhelmed and my eyes suddenly begin to fill with tears. One good thing about wearing a mask is that nobody can see it. I stare for a long while and awaken from the trance with a tap on my shoulder. It was my teacher. “Ellie, time’s up”. Oh God, I only did four questions. I decide to brush it off. This happens every time, so what did I expect? 

My mind fast forwards through the next two classes and before I know it i’m at home. I get a nice warm welcome from a tsunami of anxiety and a sudden deep sadness. I’m worried about my test but there’s no use. What’s done is done.

The thought of Friday instantly boosts my mood. I spend the weekend with my friends, happy. I don’t feel abnormal as I usually do. The days went by in seconds.

III.

Damn it. It’s Monday.

My endless cycle of jailed thoughts begins again.