The Mountain I Climb.

Silence is bliss to me, especially in a room of new people you never know what kind of a mood they will be in and or how they are feeling there are way too many unknowns for it to be a comfortable experience. It always feels like I am climbing a hill, like actually talking to the person or people at the top of the hill. You can have fun, roll, and play down the other side, but the climb to the top is full of cliffs, rain, and lightning strikes.  Talking to anyone I am not comfortable with is this way so it starts like this; I know I am going to have to talk to someone so for the next five to ten seconds until it just happens, this is what is going on in my head and body. I start to feel like there is a massive weight on my shoulders and a massive pressure in my chest. I just keep telling myself it will be alright but my mind is racing through 10,000 scenarios at one time. I start up the mountain always thinking I can't make it to the top, always thinking I will fall back down or get hurt in some way but it is all in my head. I always make it to the top. At the top, I end up reliving that it was not as bad as I thought it would be now the next time with that person will not be as bad.  

It is a cold morning before school. The moon is still high in the sky, the breath in the air and the thin shoulder of the road to walk to but stops for the first time. The first person I have to talk to is at the bus stop. He kind of scares me so that kind of breaks the ice and he will talk to me. I don't need to say anything, I get on the cold bus and go all the way to the back. That is where my anxiety starts, the next place is school. I feel like everyone is looking at me on the first day. Wondering who is this new kid and he ugly and I hate him just from looking at him. So I walk along the walls the cold cinder-block brushing my arm trying to find my first class. Not being able to ask anyone for help. Feeling my chest tighten as I make my 4th lap of the halls, I still do not find my class. The tan and white walls seemingly hiding my class in plain view, scared to see it.

I developed my anxiety when I switched schools and I realized that culture shock is a real thing. I had heard all the stereotypes of public school and that the new kid always got made fun of so I was scared for my first day. I was scared to talk to anyone and wait for the day I made a mistake and everyone made fun of me. However that day never came, but every time I sit next to someone I do not know, or our seats change, or something where I am with a new person, I still climb that mountain and think is this going to be the time. I was scared of this being time I get hurt and get bullied for the rest of my life. Is this the time that I fall down the mountain and never regain the courage to climb it again? The more and more I think about it the more and more I think that day will never come but it is still every time there is someone new.

My little dog helped me through this part of my life. Little 2 inch legged smother brown long Weener helped me. When I realized that he is just like me he will go out and meet new people and if he has someone else there with him he is usually fine like me but if he is by himself he will run, hide and bark. Like me, I learned that you may think everyone will hurt you but you just have to meet them and they will like you or it will not work out you just have to meet them. Every time that little brown floppy eared monster runs to me it reminds me of that 

There is still that mountain every time I talk to someone, but over time reinforcement takes that monton and turns it to a hill and it is a lot easier to get over. That is not the end of my journey. I know this is not that good and I know that people will not like it but as long as I know it is fine. I am getting anxious writing this part because it is starting to feel real like people will finally know a secret about me and look at me in a different way. In the end, I will still have hills and Mountains but I think the climb will get easier as life goes on because in the end if it’s meant to be it will be.