“You know what it feels like and you still went and did it too?,” Adan said disappointed in me.

Going back about a month.

“Gorda, what were you thinking? Why didn't you tell me anything? Do you know what is going to happen now? Do you know what you did?,” My mom yelled, really stressed out.

“I can't even get a word out and even if i could she doesn't care she would have noticed im her daughter but she didn't notice any signs if anything kept giving me her responsibilities i can't do much. I'm just tired,” I thought to myself.

“Now I have to take you to the hospital or the school will call CPS,” She said, cutting off my thoughts.

“What are they going to do at the hospital? I didn't even get to do anything when they took the knife away? I'm still alive,” I told her, confused

“They have to evaluate you,” My mom said.

I started to get nervous the closer we got to the hospital.

“Why would they even take away the damn knife? All I ever did was annoy people. I was bullied by most of the people at school so why all of a sudden did they want to “save” me like they really care,” I started thinking.

 “Come on correle Alexandra,” My mom told me to hurry to get inside the hospital. 

Fast forwarding a bit. They called me into a room. They pulled my mom out and started trying to understand me and why I tried to do what I did.

“If I act like I'm okay then I might be able to get out soon and go home and act okay for a bit and then maybe pills will be better,” I thought.

“So.. I think it's best we keep you here to keep an eye on you,” A doctor told me.

“How long do I have to stay?,” I asked.

“We are not 100% sure we have to keep an eye on you and your progress as time goes on,” The doctor told me.

They stepped out of the room to talk with my mom. They let her know what was going to happen with me and which hospital I was going to be transferred to.

My palms were sweating and I started to feel my anxiety start racing my heart, rubbing my hands on my thighs and breathing kinda heavy. My thoughts were all over the place. I couldn't even think straight or remember what I was thinking. All i knew is i had to calm down before they saw me and the situation got worse. 

I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. I basically told them what they wanted to hear the whole time. I met some people there . They weren't too bad, we just had to be careful with trying to not trigger someone. We played cards a lot, did puzzles and had a lot of meetings as a group to talk about coping skills.

 My mom and siblings would visit everyday. I had aunts and uncles there too, for once in the whole year since my dad passed I felt unnoticed, loved and cared for. When I went to go to my visiting room to see my mom I had seen from a distance my godmother inside from the little window they have in the room. My heart started pounding so fast. I slowly made my way to the room.

“Oh god she's going to call me fat again. I'm barely eating. But I am really fat and ugly everyone says my nickname is Gorda. People dont bully pretty girls, it's only me at school and she said it too so it's true-,” My thoughts were cut off.

“BOO!,” my cousins Adan and Jesse yelled jumping on me. 

“Oh my god please don't do that dude you scared the crap out of me,” I said, trying to catch my breath and slow back my heart.

“Hey Gorda,” Adan said, reaching out to hug me.

“Hii,” I said, hugging him.

He and I have a really close bond. We basically grew up as brother and sister and are what we pretty much consider each other. We are the same age but I'm 4 months older.

“Hi Jesse,” I said.

“Hi,” Jesse shyly answered, reaching out to hug me.

“Oh my god he is actually gonna give me a hug.” I thought.

He doesn't like physical touch unless he is going to playfight with someone. I'm used to being jumped by him and he's a little WWE moves but never hugs just “Hi” and “Bye.” I took advantage of the fact that he wanted to actually give me a hug. We all talked for a bit. I tried to be respectful to my godmother but also keep a distance till it was almost time to go. 

“Gorda, you know how you were thankfully saved but are you here now?,” Adan asked me.

“Yeah?,” I answered.

He stuck his pinky out and said, “Promise me that when you get out and still need help you will look for it or do something else but not that promise you wont come back here.”

I felt my heart drop and my stomach turn  then I felt a knot in my throat and couldn't even move. I stared at him confused for a second.

“What do I say? What are you supposed to say?,” I thought.

“Yeah,” I said , knowing I was lying, “I'll try my best.”

“What are you doing if you ever lie to him and you know damn well what the plan is when you get out.”

Skipping ahead when I was finally out I lasted a good 2 weeks but in the end I was only able to fight for so long. I just wanted my dad and I hated the fact of realizing that the only reason that all of a sudden they cared was when I tried to die. I tried to take pills but my mom got me and sent me back to the hospital. I was kept for about 3 weeks this time. When I was finally out I hadn't seen Adan for about a month. When I did see him he didn't really look at me and I wasn't sure to even look at him.

“I don't even know what I feel anymore. The antidepressant dose is at 150 mg. I'm numb to my own thoughts, can't laugh, can't cry, I'm just tired,” I thought to myself.

“You guys can go outside and talk,” My godmother said.

We walked out to the back porch of the apartment. It was awkwardly quiet. When we got outside and closed the sliding door. We didn't say anything for a good 5 minutes.

“Man i bet he's mad at me he's never serious he always makes at least one joke or something. He hates serious conversations. I don't want to do things right now,” My thoughts kept going. 

Till I finally said, “Are you mad?”

“No,” he said.

“Then what the hell is he thinking bro?” I thought.

“I never really understood what nino Cuco and tio Raul meant when they said im not mad but im disappointed till my mom just kept breaking promises,” He started saying.

“Aw crap, the first and last time I heard someone say they were disappointed in me was my dad when I was 5 years old. I pray he dont go there,” I thought.

“Last person I ever thought would break a promise is you, I mean you come on Gorda you know what it feels like and you still went and did it, too? I am used to it by mom mom and you know what it felt like because of your dad so why are you going on with this chain we said we wanted to be different and be better. We said we were going to work together, talk to each other and never lie. I never lied to you. I thought you never lied either.” He said really discouraged. 

It was hard seeing him and hearing him like this. He is never really serious. I didn't mean to break the promise but I just didn't know what to do anymore.

“I'm sorry,” I whispered.

“Let's just go inside. I still love you Gorda but I don't really know what else to tell you,” He said.  

That's one of the biggest mistakes I had ever made breaking a promise to one of my favorite people. Ever since then I don't promise anything unless I know for a fact I can commit to it.