In the end, the biggest lesson I've learned in life from all my experiences and others is that, if you hold everything in, eventually you'll break down and they'll end up blaming themselves for the things you never said and how they never realized how much it affected you. Frankly, it affected you so much that it broke you. People thought that was the real you, but it's not. The real you is a little girl left behind in your memories. The little girl with the Cinderella blue jelly shoes and the smells are burnt into your memories, but you can't describe it to an outside person. The little girl thought monsters were under her bed so she wouldn't hang her feet over the edge of the bed, or else the monsters would drag her away into their monster home. The little girl who always wanted to play school and dress up. The little girl cried because she didn't give her stuffed animal the same amount of attention as the others. But now you ask yourself, “Where is that little girl that I'm so fond of?” “Will I ever get her back?” The answer is she's gone, and she has been pushed away because you had to grow up. You never know if she will come back or when. All you hope is to feel a little tear form in the corners of your eyes when you think your stuffed animal is sad, or to smell an indescribable smell again, and to cry out for your mom and dad when you think the monsters are gonna get you, or you hope to get the urge to play dress up. The little girl who wished on every birthday candle and every shooting star that she could grow up. Do you regret it? Yes, you do. So do I. Trust me, so do I. She dreamed of being all grown up, just like her parents. Now all she wishes is to go back to being a kid. She wishes she wasn't stressed in high school, has a horrible sleep schedule, struggles with mental health, and wonders what she's gonna do with her life. She wants to help people and be an EMT, but in the back of her mind, she can't do it. She tells herself you can't do it, you're too weak, you’ll never be strong enough, and you'll never be good enough of a person to help anyone. Everyone tells her “You can do this!” and “You’re going to do amazing things in life”. Will she? Can she? In her mind, she can't, she won't, and she will give up because she will never be good enough. She does things to escape, things that will never be accepted. She always uses it to block out the memories of her life. The days her parents fought, the days her best friend died in her arms, the days her family members died, or the days she tried/wanted to die. When she wanted to die, the memories seemed clearer. They seemed to happen all over again. She fights to stay alive and keeps a smile on her face to fool others. Her family and friends believe she is ok, and that she doesn't have so much going on that she wants to disappear into thin air just as an escape. So, instead of letting people in, she sits in the bathroom while the shower runs crying on the floor. She cries while she can hear her family laughing, maybe laughing at her, or something they did. The bathroom has always been her safe place for everything. It's so calm and safe. She can always guarantee that she is alone. When she thinks about it, she is always alone, but in the bathroom, gives her great relief or happiness, some may say.