“Stop it!! Let me go!! Help me!”
Those are the words I remember saying when he tried to rape me on his living room floor. Ever since then, I lost trust in everyone, I was disgusted with myself, and I had no dignity. That triggered self-disgust, which turned into anorexia. I didn’t eat. I exercised all the time and I felt good about it. It was my way of coping. I started to feel guilty about not telling anyone about my dirty little secrets. I then remember sitting in the school counselor’s office, pointing his picture out in the yearbook. I told her what I had been doing, and it was then I realized I couldn’t stop starving myself. After the school year was over, I was “cured” of my ED.
That summer, I relapsed with bulimia. Not eating was too much of a hassle, so I decided to induce vomiting to get rid of what I consumed. I did the chew and spit method, and I occasionally ingested ipecac, a liquid that induces vomiting. This lasted all summer, until I started talking to a counselor again. Once again, I was “cured”.
The beginning of this school year, I relapsed with EDnos, or eating disorder not otherwise specified. It was basically a clash of anorexia and bulimia with my own little twist. I still struggle with this. I went to summer camp and felt so guilty, but never really said anything until we were having class and my counselor and teacher said something about her daughter having an ED. I knew she’d understand where I was coming from. She made feel very comfortable and I had someone to confide in. I still had another counselor, and throughout the week, I felt a bond and mustered up enough courage to tell her my story as well.
I had written a song about my ED and sang it for her, and she wanted to know the meaning behind it. Ever since that night when I attempted to tell her, she’s been my best friend and my safe haven.
If you ever start thinking about an ED, don’t do it. It’s hard to recover, trust me, it’s been almost 3 years, and I’m still struggling, but maybe that’s just me. Tell someone what you’re feeling. They can help you more than a stupid disorder ever will.