I'm almost at the end of my first year in highschool. Things seemed to be going fine. I didn't have the most amazing grades but I was getting there. In the previous years I was struggling with self-esteem issues and at some points I was suicidal and I was cutting my wrists. I didnt know who I was but finally at the end of 8th grade I started realizing who I was, I was a smart and beautiful girl that saw the world in ways that most kids don't see it. I was happy after. Now, almost of the end of the year the most devestating thing happened to me. Something I wasn't expecting ever to happen. It all begings with a cousin close cousin of mine who lived in mexico. Our relationship wasn't what most people thought, I guess we both had a crush on each other. It sounds wierd and awkward but it's true. We used to hold each others hands and kiss and stuff like that. I was confused by everything about it. I didnt know what it meant. It went on for 3 years. Last summer when I went to mexico was the best year that we were together. He slept one night in the same room as I and half the night he held my hand. I still remember that moment. I felt warm and safe, I wish I felt like that now. A few days ago my mom woke me up early telling me she had to take my dad to the airport. I asked why and she said because my grandpa was sick. I felt bad because he's very old and he's always getting sick so I knew this time it was much worse, or so I thought. My mom said there was a chance we might have to mexico, and I got worried. So the day went on I called my close friend about it and I told her. The day went on and we went to take my dad to the airport. I said bye and everything and on the way home my mom's cell phone rang and it was my aunt who was going to mexico too, along with my dad. They started talking about what was happening but then something told me things were much worse. My mom started whispering and trying to keep her voise down but she couldnt I was sitting 2 inches away from her! I heard my aunt ask if my mom had told me thats when I was confused. I know my grandpa being sick is a big deal but was it that big? The day kept going and by the evening I seemed to suspect something was up.
I finally got the courage to ask my mom what exactly was going on. I went into the room she was in and I asked, "Mami, are you sure that it's only my grandpa that's sick and theres nothing else going on?" and she looked at me and said, "why did you hear anything or someone told you something....?" and I replied, "No", I just know something is going on and I'm getting scared." My mom looked at me hurt, angry ,and so many mixed feelings that I saw. She stayed quiet for a mintute and said "your dad made me promise not to tell you untill tomorrow." I knew then that I had to know so I made my mom tell me. She couldnt say it and she struggled and she took a deep breath and said, "it was Danny (my cousin)" And I said, "what? what do you mean it was Danny?" And I kept going and i asked if he was in the hospital or something, my firs thought was that he did something to make my grandpa more sick, but then my mom looked at me and said, "he's dead." My stomach dropped down to my knees. I looked at my mom and tried so hard not to cry. I was in shock I coudlnt believe what she had said. She saw my reaction and I immediatly started crying. My mom held me tight and I cried and cried I felt like screaming, I thought I was going to go crazy. The only thing I could do was ask why? What could have happend I had just seen him last summer! She told me no one knew why. She told me that he was sleeping in the shop that my uncle owns in mexico and he just died. My head spun and I could do nothing but cry. I cried for hours and hours. My head hurt and my eyes still bursting with teats burned so bad I couldnt see. I finally calmed down around midnight. My mom made me some tea and my dad called from mexico. My mom told him that she told me already, I guess everyone was trying to keep his death away from me. I went upstairs, turned on the computer and added a song on myspace called Los Malaventurados No Lloran by an amazing band called Panda and the song said what I felt. That night I cried myself to sleep I hoped he would come in my dreams and talk to me or something. I just coudlnt believe he was really dead. The next morning was worse. I got up at 7 AM and took a shower. I cried in the shower, I cried while brushing my teeth, I cried getting dressed. I was a mess. I walked to school, I didnt even know I made it, I was lost, just thinking of what could have happened. No one would tell me. No one. I felt bad. School was worse. I thought I would feel better being distracted and all. I thought I could hold my tears in but i star ted breaking down like a little baby. tears ran down and I couldnt stop them. Everyone asked what was wrong and I told them, they said I should go home, but I couldnt. I kept seeing an image in my head of him laying there in a white collar shirt, sleeping, dead. I kept replaying the words when my mom said he was dead and it broke me down more and more. I couldnt believe that all my happiness was out the door in less than 24 hrs. The day went on and everyone tried to make me feel better, and I just couldnt help but cry. Finally afterschool came. I went over to my friends house and I tried not to cry I spent a few hours at her house. Then I walked home and I just kept thinking everything around me just blacked out and I kept walking. I made it home and I called my mom and asked what we were going to eat she tole me she gave money to my brother to go buy something to eat. I told my brother to go to Jack In The Box. I stayed home and thats when I let everything out. I was holding in my REAL tears in for so long I just let it out. I blasted the song I had on my Myspace and i screamed at the top of my lungs. I tried so hard not to cut myself so I layed on the floor pretty much like a crazy person i scratched my legs with my fingernails I couldn't feel anything. I calmed down, and my brother came back. that night my dad called and told me they burried him already I felt a little better but by now my eyes burned even more my head hurt so bad. I asked him how he died he just said something went wrong with his brain and he just died. I still felt awful so my mom gave me a sleeping pill and I fell asleep. I didnt wake up till the next morning and I didnt go to school. I realized I couldnt cry anymore, all I could do was think. Think of everything. The last time I saw him and The first time we kissed. I was back in the same mood I was a few years back, deppressed. Later my mom and me went out for lunch we talked about what was going on. She told me how he died, she said he killed himself. I couldnt cry anymore. She said that his friends and him ran over a lady and killed her. 2 of his friends are now in jail and he's dead. My mom said my dad didnt want to tell me because he didnt want me to get more sad. I still cried myself to sleep that night. and today I just sat in class thinking, not doing anything else. I cried just a little but not as much as before. Now I don't want to do anything, I dont want to talk to my friends, I don't want to listen to music and dance with my friends, I don't want to pay attention to anything, I just want to lay down all day long and stare at the ceiling and think that he is with me. I didnt realize untill now how much I really need him. How much I love him.