I’m viciously competitive.

I don’t mean that this applies to all situations, obviously. I don’t care about getting better grades than everyone else in my class or things like that. But when it comes to boys, I’m a whole different person.

I think this has something to do with growing up with 2 boys as best friends (it all leads back to them, doesn’t it?). As a small child, I didn’t have the luxury of being girly and playing dress-up or coveting my Barbie dolls. I had to be fierce if I wanted to keep up with the boys. I had to run faster, be stronger, climb higher, scream louder, fight harder. If I wanted them to respect me enough as a person, I had to be better than them as a girl.

I never stopped thinking that way, and it just occurred to me today that I think I have to fix that. A guy friend of mine tried pushing me off a pool raft today so he could take it for himself, and I went ballistic. I kicked, bit, and clawed at him until he finally gave up. But then he was back, this time with another guy (who I barely knew, btw) so one of them could distract me while the other ripped the raft from under me. Again, I fought tooth and nail to get the raft back.

But it wasn’t about the raft. It never was. It was about the pride I had in myself, too much pride to let the typical “male is stronger than female” stereotype take hold. I didn’t want the guys to see that they could take advantage of me just because I’m a girl. So I fought. And I won.

Did I really win, though? I feel more like a guy than a girl at times, especially when it comes to physically fighting other people. I don’t slap; I punch. I don’t pull hair; I grab jugulars. I don’t throw shoes; I kick towards the face. I’ve only ever physically fought ONE person - and I mean “fought” as in “tried to do actual, intended harm.” And who did I pick a fight with? A boy. And I won that fight, too.

Part of me is saying, “You need to stop. This is no way for a girl to act, especially at your age.”

And another part of me is saying, “You’ve NEVER been a normal girl. You’ve never had that luxury, never been treated that way, never acted that way. Why start now?”

I'm not sure which part of me to listen to, but hopefully one day I'll learn. Until then, I'll just try to live my life and figure it out along the way.