Mom. I know things have been hard that last few years with everything that happened between you and me and things that have happened between you and dad, just everything has been hard for you. I wish I could have made your life a little bit easier back then, but all I saw was you leaving dad. I was so mad at you and tried to pin you as the bad guy, when I didn’t even know the whole story. You and dad just weren’t meant to be together, but I respect that ya’ll have still remained close friends. That means the world to me; I just don’t think I could function without my parents hating each other.

I just want to apologize to you for treating you the way I did. I shouldn’t have yelled at you or said things about you that weren’t true, I was just hurt. I’m sorry “I hate you” were words I frequently used in our home, I didn’t hate you nor do I now; I just didn’t understand some of your choices and what was going on with our family. I tried so hard to find ways to keep you and dad together but in the end nothing worked. At first I blamed it on you because dad was in a rough living situation and he didn’t have a job, but you were only trying to do what’s best.

I know I made a mess of Arlington and I am sorry for all of the stupid things I did. I never had any reason to hurt myself or lash out at you like I did. I know I shouldn’t have been around those girls and even guys at school, and I know I shouldn’t have gotten into the things I did, but I’m kind of glad I did those things, because now I know not to do them again even if the temptation is hard. Through seventh and eighth grade things got worse between us… between Pamela and dad and you starting to date that only made the cut deeper.

I wish I could take back a lot of the things that has happened, especially things in the last two years, but I can’t. I never wanted to lose my relationship with you even thought it seemed like I didn’t care. You did your fare-share of damage and I did mine, but I never meant to believe all those rumors I would hear about you. I didn’t believe them until I kept hearing them over and over again I just thought it had to be at least a tad bit true, but looking back now I realize I was wrong for ever accusing you of trying to hurt me. I know you only wanted what was best for me, even though you didn’t know what exactly that was at the time. I also recognize that I should never have tried to turn the family against you. That’s not what I was meaning to do; I just wanted to help you…. “Save you from yourself,” if you will. But I never should have gotten involved or try to involve myself in your personal life, and I’m sorry I tried.

Now that I have apologized for a few things, these are a few things I want to thank you for. Thank you for putting up with my crap for all of these years, I know I was hard to deal with because of my horrible attitude and stupid choices. Thank you that after all I have done to you that you still love me even though sometimes I don’t think I’m even worthy of it. I know a lot of people say “well parents have to love their kids because that’s their kid” but that isn’t always true, I know several kids whose parents don’t even think twice about their child, and I’m so happy that you aren’t one of those parents. I also want to thank you for putting me in situations that taught me to learn how to be a mature upcoming woman and how I should live and what is important in life, even if at the time, it was a horrible place for a fourteen year old girl to be in.

Thank you for not putting me out on the streets when I started smoking and “doing stupid.” And thank you for still being in my life today, for still wanting to be in my life today. I wish there was some way I could repay you for all of the literal blood sweat and tears you have put into trying to make me who I am today, and who I am trying to be someday. I hope that one day I can be a mom that loves like you love me even if you aren’t a very “touchy-feely” person.

All I can say now is that I am overjoyed with our relationship now, even though we don’t live together anymore and we still get in arguments sometimes, I still love you, probably more now than I did before the storm. And you will always be my Mama. No one can ever take your place or title. I love you so much mom and I just thought I would write you this so you can maybe know a fraction of how grateful I am for you.