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Ready Or Not: 15 Year Old Girl Thoughts
September 8, 2014
Dear Reader,
As a little girl, I felt like I was ready for everything. Throw something my way-
- I can take it, no worries. Galloping down the beach on a horse, reading all four
Twilight books within one month (I did it! —easiest read ever), trying chicken feet
or snails. I loved to talk. Talking was practically all I did, all the time, or screaming
when I wasn’t allowed to do something, or dancing. Jumping was a great pastime of
mine. I was that eight year old who could walk up to you, greet you in three different
languages, tell you her name, and then proceed to remain at your side and annoy
you with questions for the rest of the night. But the thing is, you wouldn’t mind.
You’d probably be amused by my childish anecdotes or mature perspective on why
the Red Sox are better than the Yankees and/or why I wanted to go to Princeton. I’d
already done the research and everything, and by the time I was nine, I was able to
tell you my life plan: Do really well on my SATs, go to Princeton and study at the
Lewis Centre of Arts but also major in Creative Writing, write great young adult
novels, be a really successful actress, win Oscars, work with refugees, marry
someone rich and attractive and caring have life changing experiences, and then
later run for president (and win, obviously).
But now, at fifteen, I couldn’t be less sure of what I want, or if I’m ready for
anything. I can only hope that I study hard enough to do well on my SATs, and I’d
love to go to Princeton, but only if I can get in. Now I dance more than I act, but I still
have a dream of being famous for my talents. The only thing is, I see all these stars
being patronized just for gaining five pounds, or not washing their hair, or going out
in sweatpants. Am I even remotely ready for that? That feels like a life changing
experience. Am I ready to have a life changing experience? Am I in the middle of
having a life changing experience?
You see my predicament.
The thing is, if I’m so worried about whether I’m ready for life’s big
experiences, but how do I know if I’m ready for the teenage ones, like peer pressure,
or relationships with boys, or even just feeling completely comfortable with who I
am? How do I know if I’m mature enough? This is a lot for me to process. But what I
realized help me answer that question.
I have a close family friend named Kate. We’ve known each other for a really
long time, and she’s a sweet and caring girl. She’s also been through a rough time
lately, and has taken comfort in talking to me, or just hanging out. She had some
trouble with friends, as had I, and had also had some self-image problems. This, I do
not think is wrong, because she’s a teenager of course. But I can tell you; it’s really
hard to help someone recovering from depression and anorexia nervosa. There
were nights when Kate would call me in tears about something I didn’t know how to
fix, or even respond to. Or there were times when she was having a really great day,
you know, loving her outfit or how her body looked, and that was the topic of the
day. I’d’ think wow; maybe I should look like her. Or, how does she stay so healthy,
and how can I be that healthy? There were even some times when I felt really low
about myself compared to her and contemplated trying to binge and purge, or
whatever it’s called. But five minutes later I’d feel stupid for thinking that and I’d
chow down some mango.
As time passed, Kate started feeling much better about herself, which I was
proud of. I felt like I had been a small part in her recovery; even her mom was happy
she had someone who could really be there for her. I felt an overflowing sensation of
joy and goodness. And when she was courted (so to speak) by an older boy, I
couldn’t help but feel happy for her, even if I was a bit jealous. As we spent nights
picking out outfits for that special time with her special guy, I wondered why boys
didn’t like me the way they liked her. I listened as she gave me the details of their
meetings, full of things that were seemingly romantic, and I asked her if she liked
him. She simply replied: “I don’t think so, but he’s nice.” I didn’t understand that. If
she spent all that time with him, how did she have no feelings for him? And as other
people found out about them, she used it to her advantage, until she talked about it
so much that my ears were on the verge of exploding.
I know, I sound like a complete b****. But I just didn’t really believe in the
way she was handling the situation, and of course I couldn’t convey that because I’m
supposed to be there for her, and I thought she still seemed fragile.
After a while, Kate got bored of Older Boy, and started seeing a boy her own
age who had flirted with her since the beginning of time. For the next month or so,
all I heard about was
a. Whether she should go back to seeing Older Boy
b. The great time she had with Boy-Her-Age.
It’s funny that this topic seemed so casual, so trivial to her, while I couldn’t even
wrap my head around one boy, let alone two. Just a month before this she was
telling me how unsure of her future she was, and now all there was to think about
were the idea of parties and boys. I thought about the same things plenty, but should
I have been partaking in the same activities, just because she was doing it? I thought
that Kate’s feelings were normal, she’s a freshman in high school and it’s normal to
think about parties AND kissing boys. The problem was that she believed this made
her mature, and I didn’t quite know what made people mature, so I believed it too.
And then a while ago, she decided to take another step (or a BIG leap) with Boy-Her-
Age, after having kissed him twice, and I was utterly confused. It was fun, she said, it
was fine. But she didn’t feel like dating him, and wasn’t in love with him.
Until the other night, I wanted to do the same thing she did, because I
thought I’d be more mature, or I wanted to rip her hair out because I was so sick
of hearing about it. For a while I just thought that she was using her experiences
with boys and the idea of parties to feel better about herself. She was completely
different from when I first met her. I’m not saying what Kate did was wrong; it’s for
her to decide how she enjoys her sexuality, or her entire her life for that matter. And
if she thinks she’s ready to experience big things, then I guess she’s ready. But that
doesn’t mean I have to be.
What I truly realized is that it is okay to move at my own pace. I don’t want to
go around kissing boys if I don’t like them, and that’s okay. It’s okay to be different,
and to not do things just because your best friend is doing them, or because people
think it’s the norm. I don’t believe I was born to do things the way people expect
one to. So maybe I don’t want to be famous yet, because I’m not ready to be judged
for being different. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to have sex, or fall in love, to feel
comfortable with who I am completely or feel comfortable with a lot of other people.
And to be real, I’m not positive that I’ll live the life I dreamed up as a younger girl.
Because, when I was nine, I didn’t really know about all this teenage stuff. And as a
fifteen year old, I don’t think I know enough yet either.
To conclude, I want to ask myself a few deep philosophical questions:
Am I ready to think about college? Maybe not, but it’s fun to look at the
websites.
Am I ready for my Physics quiz next week? Absolutely not...
Am I ready to have life changing experiences? Definitely. But I have to figure
out what they are first.
Am I much more mature now that I’ve written this? Not really, but what I’ve
realized is that I’m mature enough to make my own decisions on a number of things,
and I’ve decided that I really just don’t want to grow up very quickly. I’m not ready
for that.
And to my dear friend Kate, thanks for helping me out here. I love you, even if
I don’t always agree with you.
Love,
Greer
© Anonymous
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This is by far one of my favorite pieces that I've ever done.