In ways I feel that sometimes people think that I have a good life but if they actually knew me and all that has happened in my life they would rethink that though, and I’m sick of everybody thinking that so if you have this doc its because I trust you or kinda trust you and I want you to know that even though I smile and laugh every day I could be frowning in the inside or crying and just feeling total pain and you just don’t realize it, but now you will know the truth of it all.

When I was born it was September 26th 2000 my mom was 19, she turned 19 on September 6th, my dad was going to turn 20 on September 27th, so as I said my dad’s birthday is the day after mine, so when I was born the next day it was my dad’s birthday. My moms boyfriend has told me many times that as a baby I sat in my car seat while my parents partied and I’m pretty sure that thats what happened the day after I was born because it was my dads birthday. When I was a baby the first place we lived was a apartment above some place and then when I was a little older we moved to a different apartment, it was a lot nicer.

My moms dad past away a little bit after I was born. My grandpa had killed himself by hanging himself in his garage. I guess in a way I’m sort of glad he wasn’t there when I was growing up but at the same time I’m not. The reason I’m a little glad that he wasn’t here to see me grow up is because when my mom and her sister were growing up they had to deal with him abusing them and my grandma, so in away I think that maybe if he were here while I was growing up he might have abused me. He used to throw my mom at the wall and hit her and slap her with a belt he had thrown my aunt when she was a baby into her crib and he was just a really angry person I guess.

When I was like two or three we moved into a real house, me and my dad still live in that house today. It was pretty close to the schools.

When I was four I started Pre-K and while I was at Pre-K school I guess you could say I met some of my best friends in that school and still to this day I’m still friends with some of them but some of them kinda faded away and then the others stayed with me through everything.

When I was in kindergarden I just kinda sat behind and just did what I did.

When I was in first grade I had my friends we had our secrets and we still have some of our secrets I guess first grade was a interesting year but it kinda weird to talk about so I’m not adding it in here but I really doubt that I will ever forget it. When I was seven in October my parents got into a fight and it was harsh but I went on with life. When my parents got in their fight my mom bit my dad two or three times. My dad ended up going to jail and I stayed with my mom while he was gone. When he got out of jail he couldn’t go to his house because my mom was living there, so he was living with my grandma (his mom) and when I wanted to see him I had to go to my grandmas.

When I was in second grade I still had that secret from first grade. My mom got a house that was pretty close to Westside. Every other week I went to my moms then my dads just back and forth. When I was at my moms she always left and had people babysit me while she went out to go drink or go to her friends house and get high, at the time I felt she didn’t care at times, all she ever wanted to do was drink and get high. My dad did drugs too, but my mom or my dad didn’t know that I knew that they did drugs they tried to hide it from me but I knew.

When I was in fourth grade I kinda sat behind by myself being my own person and didn’t talk that often. Some of my friends from before hated me and bullied me and no one really knew I existed. People hated me disliked me and  just plain out didn’t like me, and I really didn't care it just showed who was really there for me or who just plain out used me.

When I was in fifth grade I kinda got out more and talked to people but some people hated me and didn’t want anyone to like me or be friends with me, so well I guess you can say that I was disliked once again. I kinda had some drama with some guys and one of my best friends from Sun Prairie made my boyfriend cheat on me, he would tell her he loved her and a bunch of other stuff and he knew I was sitting right next to her and he still didn’t care, and neither did she because I ask her to stop texting him and to delete his number and she wouldn’t, even when I cried and even when I didn’t sleep at night. But even still to this day I’m as nice as I ever was to her even after she hurt me. She may have got me to do some bad stuff but I still hang out with her.

When I was sixth grade I had new friends and my new best friend was Dana , I told her everything, all of my secrets and all my problems there was one thing she didn’t and I felt so mean for not telling her but I just kinda felt bad for not telling her but, it was just something I never told anyone. I planned on telling her sometime but just not this year.

When I was in seventh grade I ended up leaving my best friend to go to one of my old friends but after awhile I felt so bad but I tried to talk to her about our friendship, I really wanted to work on it but she thought I ditched her for my friend Gabriella and my other friend Alexis, I felt really bad for leaving her, but she kinda left me to go and hang out with her cousin and I felt like I was replaced by her cousin and she felt like I replaced her for Gabriella and Alexis I love being friends with them but I miss my old friendship with Dana I kinda feel like the worst friend in the world, more like the worst person in the world for it, and I want us to be friends again but I feel like she doesn’t want to be friends anymore I feel like she just wants to be friends with her cousin and thats it, and when she hangs out with her cousin I feel alone so I hang out with Gabriella and Alexis, sometimes I hang out with Amber but most of the time I hang out with Alexis and Gabriella and I want to start hanging out with Dana more often but I don’t know if she wants to hang out with me or if she even wants to be friends with me. Why was being suicidal my answer? Why was it my remedy? It’s like life itself came crashing down on me. And to think that at one point when I tried to trust someone again it came crashing down on me once again. Why would someone tell me to kill myself after maybe a month ago I told them I used to cut and used to be suicidal? Why? Why me? What did I do?

Sometimes I don’t even know if I can trust anyone. Sometimes I just feel like I hold people back. Thats why I don’t understand why half of the people that are friends with me still talk to me and hang out with me. I all I feel like is a problem. Just a big fat problem in everyones lives. I mean if you knew some of the stuff that I hide would you try to stop me from thinking that? Would you tell me you're here for me when I need you? Is it just me? Am I just a person here in the world taking up space? Does anyone care if I’m here in this world or not? Would they notice if I was gone? Would you notice? Are you my friend? Do you consider me as a friend? Would you cry if I died today? I mean all I want to know is if someone really cares for me out there. I think I’m not a good friend. Should I end it all for me? Be gone forever. Never coming back. Would you care then? If only I knew. Should I just say good bye to all of you? Forever. Never coming back.