“Drug addiction is the only prison where the locks are on the inside” - Author Unknown

For anyone who has ever suffered from or overcome addiction, these words make complete sense.  The struggle of freeing yourself from an addiction is an inside job that requires a journey inward, deep into your soul to get in touch with who you are and what drives you to use substances to fill a void, an emptiness, unhappiness, anger, pain, frustration, etc, etc.  The list of negative emotions that people are trying to escape from by abusing substances goes on and on.  In simple terms, people who abuse drugs and alcohol are self-medicating to fix a hurt deep inside.

From a young age I’ve been aware of drugs and alcohol; they are glorified constantly by “legalize marijuana” and drinking ads for wine, beer, liquor, etc. In fact, there are many people, including myself, who are recovering alcoholics or addicts. Addiction is something I think everyone knows about, but it’s not always publicized in a positive way. People normally see it as a negative way of life and are quick to judge one without knowing the reasons behind the addiction.  Addiction: the fact or condition of being dependent on a particular substance, thing, or activity.

The first time I ever tried alcohol was at a family BBQ. It was summer,it was hot, and everyone was at my aunts house. In the backyard, surrounded by the pool, I was 7 years old and my mom, who I would occasionally see drink a beer, was in fact drinking a beer. I had never tried those drinks that all the grown ups drank.  All I knew was that all the kids and anyone who wasn’t an adult wasn’t allowed to drink them. Since I knew I wasn't allowed, I figured I’d go ask for my mom’s permission, and then maybe, just maybe, I would be allowed. So I asked if I could try it, and she let me! That was easy, I thought. The cold, icy, bitter, carbonated beer hit my naive tongue and I swallowed the tiny sip. “EWW!” I shouted and my mom chuckled. I ran and jumped into the pool shortly after,thinking to myself,how did they tolerate the taste?

Years went by until I was able to understand why not only grown ups drank, but why people under the legal drinking age drank too. There are many reasons, but my first understanding was that everyone just wanted to have a good time. When I got to high school that seemed to be a very common thing. Everyone wanted to have a good time, so everyone -- well, almost everyone -- drank. My situation was a little different in the beginning.  I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t drink or do drugs anymore. So we were both sober. Until my sophomore year I had never really tried anything on my own.  I vividly remember hanging out with my best friend and her boyfriend’s friends late one night down the street from my house. That was where I first smoked weed and got buzzed from drinking.

The illusion and overwhelming feeling of not being able to control myself sweeped me up from under my feet.  I grew paranoid as we walked passed my house, thinking my mom would come out and find me intoxicated or that someone who knew my boyfriend at the time would go run and tell him.  I didn’t like the feeling, but nothing bad happened that night. As we arrived to my friend’s house I started to have a good time. I kept that night a secret from everyone I knew besides the people who were there that night.

When I started dating another guy, he mentioned he liked smoking and asked if I did too.  I said yes, even though I had only tried it that one time with my friends. That didn’t last long. We would always hang out, go on dates, hang out with his friends, go swimming at his place, and last but not least, smoke in his backhouse. I got comfortable coming home high because I knew my mom wouldn’t suspect anything;she trusted me and liked my boyfriend Kyle. She never doubted me once.

It was my 16th birthday, and now that I grew accustomed to smoking and drinking, I had many new friends -- friends who were throwing me a birthday party, with of course, drugs and alcohol. My mom dropped me off and picked me up, asking if my friends and I had been drinking.  She looked me straight in the eyes and I lied. That started to become a habit of mine.

A year went by and more nights of partying went on in secrecy. I wasn’t just messing around with pot and alcohol, that wasn’t enough for me anymore. I was curious and tried almost anything I could get my hands on.  My tolerance grew higher and the intake of whatever I chose grew too. I had already been suspended for being intoxicated at a school dance. Me, a once perfectly innocent child, being suspended, but it didn’t end there for me. My mom was finally aware of what I had been up to. She cracked down on me.  I still wasn’t ready to stop. My next bad incident was when I woke up in the hospital the day before Thanksgiving with a level of 3.0 BAC which lead to alcohol poisoning.

Waking up on Thanksgiving day with heart monitors attached everywhere on your body and IVs in both arms isn't the “ideal” scenario on such an important holiday. I was ashamed and embarrassed of who I had let myself become. This was not the me I once was. I was worried that my family hated me, that they would disown me or something rather extreme. This was not my case, however. In fact, they were just glad I was okay and so was I.  I got love and attention from them, more importantly, support.

Many teens will have some crazy experiences throughout high school. Some will get lucky, and some not so much. This way of life doesn’t last forever, there are consequences.  I consider myself a lucky person because in my not-so-long experience with drugs and alcohol, I accomplished more than enough.  I'm lucky because the way I was thinking and the decisions I was making under the influence could’ve led me or another person to being seriously injured or even killed. I didn’t make the best choices, but I can learn from my mistakes and make others aware of the dangers. Acknowledging where I've brought myself today, overcoming, and continuing to work hard for the benefit of myself is the result of learning from the mistakes I’ve made.

What I learned about myself through this experience was that I was a teenager with feelings, heartache, anger and pain trying to fit in and cope with life, just like any other teen out in the world. That statement still holds true for me, but I'm not coping in the ways I once was. It’s not easy, but it beats waking up in the hospital with no memory of the night before.  It’s an everyday challenge being in high school and trying to change yourself from your old lifestyle to your new life of staying sober. People won't always understand the reason behind it, and others will talk and judge, but high school will end and that won't matter in a couple years.  I've found a great support group who I can fall back on when I need help maintaining a sober lifestyle. That support group is Alcoholics Anonymous. I strongly believe that the only reason why anyone abuses alcohol or drugs is because they are not comfortable with being themselves, or how they feel at that time.  Otherwise, you wouldn’t need a drink to “have a good time” if you were just as capable when you're sober.  

I’ve learned that life is beautiful if you choose to see it and appreciate even the littlest things that bring you joy.  Sure, there will always be low points and hardships, but those things build our character, test our strength, humble us, and serve as a reminder to appreciate those ever so little things that make up our beautiful lives. From my experience, by facing my negative emotions and dealing with them directly, I find that they lose their power and the beauty in my life flourishes.