Imagine feeling like you’re drowning. But, you’re drowning without water. Imagine you’re terrified of water, but you are constantly drowning in the deepest water there is. Imagine you’re scared, but you don’t know what of. This invisible demon that you’re scared of and that is pulling you down under the water is deep depression and severe anxiety. I don’t have to “imagine” drowning without water or being constantly worried and scared because they have become a part of my daily life.

Depression and anxiety are both considered “mental illnesses”. Just like a physical illness, there are many obstacles created that you have to work around. As a high school student, many of my obstacles became school oriented. Getting up at 6:15 is hard enough for anyone already, but when I don’t see school as important, getting up to go to somewhere I have grown to hate, it’s that much harder. School is obviously a place to learn, and when things are learned, there have to be assessments to show that you have actually learned the material. Tests and quizzes raise anxiety in most students as it is, but as I already have severe anxiety, taking assessments becomes a game that I am destined to lose. Instead of focusing and thinking of the answers, I’m thinking of something I did last night for 6 minutes that I “could have spent studying”, even though I know I wouldn’t have actually studied. I’m thinking about how when I write the few answers I do know, my pencil is somehow louder than everyone else’s pencil. I’m thinking about how poorly I’m going to do on this test or quiz, even though I haven’t even read through the whole thing to see if I know what I’m doing. I’m thinking about how this failed test grade is going to affect my final grade. Lots of the time, anxiety has physical symptoms that become obstacles as well as mental. I personally have a “nervous shake”, but it is actually a  24/7 shake. It is a “nervous” shake, and an all the time shake, even when there is nothing concrete to be nervous about. With all the obstacles that come with anxiety and depression, there are times when I just do not want to deal with working around the struggle, and I give into temptations.

Temptations are generally things you want to do. In my case, temptations are just ways to get out of what I have to do. Instead of dealing with my mess of a life, I would rather avoid it all. One temptation that presents itself to me nearly every day is taking naps. I would rather sleep than deal with people, or do homework, or study, or eat, or go out, or be awake. I would rather sleep than anything else. Other temptations that often present themselves are ways to escape reality and get to a “happier place” than where I am. For example, I would rather read books than do homework or schoolwork. I would rather be a reckless teenager and do things that I shouldn’t be doing so I can feel something other than sadness. Anything other than sadness is what I aim for, really.

My odyssey isn’t exactly the same as Odysseus’ odyssey. I’m not physically traveling trying to find my way home, I’m traveling around my head trying to find myself. I’m not trying to get back to someone else that loves me at home, I’m trying to get back to me loving myself.

I’m not dealing with six headed monsters trying to turn me to stone, I’m dealing with all the monsters in my head trying to convince me that I’m not worth anything. Odysseus reaches his goal of getting home. He completes his personal odyssey. I complete my odyssey every day. Every day that I live on, I reach the end of my odyssey - until the next day, when I do it all over again. However, I do not reach my complete goal of being happy each day. That is clearly a long process to reach my old self, and I’m hoping it doesn’t take me 20 years like it did Odysseus.