Dear God,

March 1, 2002
He has really white hair and he talks funny but he loves Barney just like me. He’s my favorite uncle because he makes me giggle and he’s always happy. That’s my Great Uncle Jack. Mommy and Daddy told me that he never woke up this morning. I know he had pneumonia but I guess they were supposed to take him to the hospital sooner. They said it didn’t hurt when he left, though, so that’s good.

June 11, 2006
Everyone is so sad lately and I don’t know what’s going on. I just want to see my big cousin. His name is Taylor and he has curly brown hair and a goofy, crooked smile. Whenever I go over to his house, I get to push him around in his chair on wheels and talk to him while he gets his breathing treatments. When I hug him, I whisper jokes in his ear. I know he thinks they’re funny because every time I tell him one, he laughs really hard. He drools a little, too. He has something called Cerebral Palsy. He can’t talk, walk, or feed himself. His laugh makes me laugh, though. Lately, he has been screaming a lot. I think he’s hurt but he’s in the hospital now so they can fix him.

June 17, 2006
I got to see Taylor for a little while yesterday. The room smelled bad and he looked awfully tired. His laugh was gone. That’s how I knew that he was, too. The doctors said he only weighed 65 pounds, which I don’t think is very much for a 12 year-old boy. My parents said that he got to go to a place today where he has a voice and he can run around and tell jokes of his own.

November 25, 2006
I guess Grandma Brown has a disease called Alzheimer's. She doesn’t remember where to put away dishes and it takes her a few seconds to remember how we’re all related to her. Please make her better soon.

January 15, 2008
My Great Grandmother is almost as short as me and she has lots of wrinkles. Her brain must have gotten a boo-boo because it was bleeding and made her fall asleep for a long time. My whole family was crying a lot. I made myself cry too because I didn’t want everyone to think I was mean. They had to take out the tube that made her breathe this morning.

July 7, 2012
Dad had a talk with me today. He said that someday, grandma won’t know who I am. I don't like this at all.

September 20, 2013
I love my lunch table. There’s Stephanie, Alexis K, Alexis W, Kels, and Alisha. They are all different kinds of wonderful. School is difficult, but they make lunch the best part of my freshman year.

September 21, 2013
7:57 p.m.
I just finished watching The Great Gatsby. It was a phenomenal yet desolate movie. In one part, a lady got hit by a car and died. I’m glad it’s not real, though.
9:00 p.m.
Cassidy tells me that Kelsey was just hit by a car. She says to pray for her. I picture Kels at lunch on Monday in a neck brace telling our table everything that happened. She will have some stitches to show us. We'll all sign the cast on her arm and tell her jokes to make her feel better. She'll be grumpy, but we will manage to make her laugh some. She'll be okay. She has to be okay.
9:04 p.m.
I hope she gets to the hospital soon. She’s so tiny.
9:05 p.m
She's gone...
9:07 p.m.
Lindsey texts me. She asks me if it’s real. Linds and I went to Summer Parks with Kelsey. We hung out every day each summer.
9:10 p.m.
Everyone is crying and I’m just sitting in my bed holding my phone with a blank expression. Maybe I’m missing my heart because I haven't shed a single tear. Why can’t I cry?
9:23 p.m.
I call my cousin Denali to tell her what happened. She's the only one who can come close to helping me. As soon as I get out the first sentence, “My friend just died,” the dam breaks and tears fall uncontrollably from my eyes. I can’t stop trembling long enough to get another sentence out.
9:42 p.m.
I get off the phone with Nali and call one of my closest friends, Kyla. She was with Kelsey when it happened. She picks up the phone and her voice is shaky yet empty. I’m afraid that the sadness will kill her.

September 22, 2013
1:04 p.m.
How could you let this happen?
2:00 a.m.
I’m scared to go to sleep. I don’t want anyone else to die.
8:30 a.m.
Kyla takes me to the ditch where Kelsey landed. We walk in the gravel on the right side of Whiteford Center Road. She takes my hand and leads me towards an area where the grass is pressed down in uneven patches. I look closer and see dried blood where her head hit. News reporters hover in the church’s parking lot by the scene. They’re vultures. Why won’t they leave us alone?

September 23, 2013
There’s this quote from a Jew during the Holocaust that said, “If there is a god, he will have to beg for my forgiveness.”

September 24th, 2013
I was in the counseling office with Kira and Kyla. Faith walked in to join us. She was livid; she said she heard a senior say, “Why did Kelsey cross the road? Oh, wait. She didn’t.”

September 26, 2013
The showing was today. I was at the wrong funeral. The girl in the casket's face was pale and empty. Layers of foundation, concealer, blush, and other types of makeup coat the face of this stranger. She had the same hair as Kelsey, but it wasn't shiny anymore. Kira said I started screaming and cried and begged her to make Kelsey wake up. I don’t remember that part. I don’t remember much. My only recollection is that people were talking to me and I couldn’t answer. I couldn't look anyone in the eyes; I was shaking.

October 2, 2013
Kelsey won’t text me back.

October 24, 2013
A senior named Colton died today. He was driving and hit a garbage truck and just… died. The school is quiet but our hearts are screaming.

November 2, 2013
Grandma forgets my name sometimes. It’s not her fault, though. I had to remind her over ten times that I was her granddaughter.

December 12, 2013
Another senior, Lauren, died today. She had bile-duct cancer. Everyone says she had the kindest soul. Why are you only taking the good ones? Why are you taking anyone at all?

December 13, 2013
I think our school is broken. Everyone dies. No one smiles or laughs and nothing is okay anymore; no one is okay anymore.

January 20, 2014
I keep crying and having panic attacks because I think everyone is going to die. I think about different people’s funerals up to five times a day.

September 21, 2014
I can’t think today. I can’t breathe today. One year and Kelsey's still gone. Please make her come back. Seeing her in dreams isn’t enough. She needs to be here. She should be here. This isn't fair.
October 24, 2014
There was a football game today. I met a foreign exchange student named Anna. She’s from Germany. If hope has a sound, it’s her laugh. Her eyes are deep like the ocean but sad like rain. Her smile is like home.

November 5, 2014
Anna and I are hanging out for the first time. She makes my heart hurt less.

January 7, 2015
She's the most ethereal being. I love how she sings off key and her laugh is high-pitched. She's my best friend.

March 23, 2015
Grandma goes outside and picks up pine needles in her backyard because the ground is too dirty. She won't spend time with me anymore because she works incessantly.

June 21, 2015
I went to Anna’s because she leaves for Germany today. Every inch of my being aches. It’s much too soon for goodbyes.

June 22, 2015
I read the letter she wrote me.
“I have so many great memories with you. No matter if they are sad or happy, they are all great because I had you and you had me. That is not going to change. You are a blessing to my life and you will always be my best friend. I love you so much and I’m going to miss you even more. You are amazing and don’t be sorry, not everything is your fault. Be good to yourself, that’s what matters the most to me. I love you forever.”

June 30, 2015
Time is so difficult to bear when she’s not here.

July 4, 2015
We went to grandma and grandpa’s for the holiday. Grandma has no idea who I am anymore. Grandpa yells at her a lot and then he cries. Dad says it’s because he loves her so much.

August 10, 2015
Denali is doing foreign exchange this year. She’s leaving for Turkey today. She’s so far away... I know she’s coming back, but what if she’s different? She’s so dear to me. Please don’t let her change.

August 24, 2015
Why are you taking everyone away?

September 1, 2015
Grandma yelled at me for the first time today. She believes that she lives in my house whenever she visits. She thinks that she can eat rocks out of our glass fire pit. She tried to use a dog leash as a blow dryer. She hides everything she finds and steals jewelry if it is left out because she thinks it’s hers. Nothing she says anymore makes sense.

October 4, 2015
Death, disease, and distance are the greatest thieves I know. I carry the memories in my heart. Sometimes they sit on my chest and make it hard to breathe. I’m tired of lugging them around, but they remind me of earlier when everything was okay and nothing hurt. Will it always be this painful?
-Brooke