I never asked for this. But you came in such a pretty package, how could anyone resist? Just the thought of you– your messy, damaged hair and the face you make when you sing— it’s enough to send shivers down my spine. I hate it and I love it and all of it makes me dizzy.

This little infatuation of mine should have been over in a week, yet here I am, too many years later, filling up page after page with sad sweet words in hopes that they will bring you closer to me. But they won’t, will they? And for the all the wrong reasons too. It’s me. How can I be the boulder I so desperately want to push out of the way? At night, when I look for the answer to this question, my mind goes back to your hair and face and every beautiful thing about you. Your beauty makes me freeze and run in the opposite direction.

I really never asked this—you and your perfect everything. Even your flaws make me melt. This feeling is a curse I would wish upon no person. I never asked for this, I swear. I could put you back on the shelf, you are still in mint condition. You aren’t torn apart by me. Your heart is still beating and your mind can still think happy thoughts. I would put you back on the shelf, but I’ve invested too much time. I’ve memorized your face, to the very spot on your chin. I know the sound of your voice; I play you saying my name forever in my mind. The saddest part is that these things used to put a smile on my face, but they don’t anymore. I now know that all the dreams that I have of you will end with me waking up all alone.

I never asked for this and I’m tired. I want my heart to feel whole again. So, I will put you back.

Well, I’ll try.