Now that professionals have officially confirmed that my home situation is abusive and my father has finally forced my mother to leave the family home, adults in my life have a lot of different responses. Some play the omniscience card: “Oh, I always knew something wasn’t right!”. Others tell me how powerless they feel: “I wish I could do something to help”. Others simply express regret and remorse.

Here’s the thing. All of these responses are said by well-meaning, compassionate people who do genuinely want to help. But these responses, while coming from a good place, do little to help people who are living with or recovering from an abusive situation.

When a child confides in anyone, particularly a trusted adult, about a volatile and dangerous situation, that adult’s response is vital. This is a list of practical suggestions for what adults – be it teachers, coaches, relatives, family friends or anyone else – can do to support children whose lives have been affected by abuse.

1. Believe us
While these points are not listed in order of significance, this is most definitely the single most important thing to remember when someone tells you about any form of abuse, violence, prejudice or discrimination. The person who has been affected always knows best.

In my case, I knew there was something wrong with my relationship with my mother long before I had the awareness and ability to characterise it as abuse. I was fortunate enough to have other people in my life who modelled healthy parental relationships with their children, providing me with a framework which I could see my mother’s treatment of me lay outside of. Many people are not so lucky and may never reach a point of being able to understand what happened to them as abuse. It is important to remember that this does not invalidate their experiences or make what they went through any less real or damaging.

Be aware that children often detect something is wrong without fully understanding the gravity of their situation. If, for example, a young child in your preschool class frequently tells you how mean their parent is or refers to them as a bully, read that as a warning sign. 9 times out of 10, it means they’re a frustrated child with kind, reasonable, rule-enforcing parents. But the 1 in 10 cannot afford to be ignored.

Similarly, if you notice a child in your extended family frequently showing a lot of anger to one parent or arguing with them often, wonder why. Despite what ageist people would have us believe, children are no less rational than adults. They rarely harbour anger towards others for no reason.

Most importantly, never second guess a child who tells you they are being mistreated at home. If they are being dishonest, the worst-case scenario is you investigate and offend the parents. The worst-case scenario if you ignore a child who is genuinely at risk is far, far worse.

2. Ignore the familial relationship
In our society, we place parents and family members on a pedestal. All kinds of actions and deeds that would be deemed unacceptable when carried out by anyone else are suddenly perfectly fine in a family context. For example, a teacher who leaves a child behind on a field trip is sacked immediately. A parent who routinely forgets to collect their child from school is “tired”, “overstretched” or “busy”. If a doctor swears at a child patient, they face disciplinary action. If a parent does it, it’s a “slip of the tongue” and we’re reminded that they’re “only human”.

The subtext of this is clear. The burden of raising a child is so great that children “owe” their parents forgiveness for their mistakes, even when these mistakes are damaging, painful and repeated, because they are the child’s “fault” simply for existing. This is classic victim-blaming, a tactic employed by society to place blame on (usually marginalised) victims in order to exonerate (usually privileged) wrongdoers. It’s ubiquitous, it’s potent and it’s dangerous.

No one ever deserves abuse. This is not something anyone should ever have to clarify in print, but sadly it is 100% necessary.

One harmful consequence of victim-blaming is that it leads us to believe that victims of abuse “owe” something to their abusers. They do not. When this is compounded by the societal power afforded to parents, we find people trying to justify and excuse abuse with phrases such as “But it’s your parent! You must love them!”. You do not owe love to anyone, least of all someone who has abused you. This doesn’t mean that survivors of abuse cannot still feel love and care towards their abusers. Any and all emotional responses to abuse are completely valid. But you never owe anyone love, no matter who they are.

To return to my point about how this affects people’s response to abuse, the double standards for parents as opposed to other adults in a child’s life mean that abuse by a parent often goes unrecognised. If a child reports something to you that they/you think isn’t right, ask yourself this: “What would my response be if a teacher/friend/classmate/police officer/… was doing this?”. That is the only way to evaluate the situation appropriately.

3. Be honest
This is a tricky one, because you should always aim to have a child’s consent (or at the very least knowledge) before you share any information about them or their family with others. However, if a child does give consent for you to discuss their situation with others in their lives (eg other teachers with pastoral responsibility or members of the extended family), you should do so without sugar-coating the details of the situation.

By using coded phrases and euphemisms (“the relationship is difficult at the moment” is a common one), we reinforce the culture of shame attached to abuse. This isn’t necessarily a problem as far as abusers are concerned – people who abuse others should be ashamed of their actions – but when we talk about this culture of shame, we are referring to the shame it encourages victims to feel. This shame and stigma prevents people from seeking help, discussing their situation with those close to them, and hinders their attempts to get their lives back on track.

Fundamentally, when you ignore a child's wishes by refusing to discuss abuse, in order to avoid your own discomfort or embarrassment, you are putting your own needs above those of the abuse survivor. And that is never okay.

At the end of the day, all of the above suggestions are general guidelines that, in an ideal world, would go without saying. If you really care about helping abuse survivors, generic phrases and good intentions are not enough. You need to make a genuine effort to engage with the individual and make them feel heard, understood and supported. Remember – you are not doing them a favour by being a decent human being. Although abuse can be difficult to talk about, your focus should always be on helping the victim. If they have approached you, they are willing and ready to talk. Are you willing and ready to listen?