Batman: A laughing matter | Teen Ink

Batman: A laughing matter

May 3, 2016
By KeaganKoalaKid, Wentzville, Missouri
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KeaganKoalaKid, Wentzville, Missouri
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Favorite Quote:
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly.


The author's comments:

Based on Original Batman by Bob Kane.

Act 1 Scene 1
Fade in:
Location: Gotham City, November 1st, 2:00 AM
Interior, Cell blocks, Night shift.
(Arkham Asylum for the insane, Maximum security prison cellblock. Newest part of the old asylum. Walls are solid concrete painted bright white with specks of blood and dirt caked on it from previous inmates, close together in the small ten foot by ten foot corridor. Along either side holding cells can be seen and in most of the cells are different criminals brought in by the batman.)

(Two guards can be seen walking down the hallway. Both in full uniform with a shotgun in one's hands and a clipboard in the other. As they pass each cell they call to the inmate inside.)

Guard 1-
Twoface!

(In a suit that is in pristine condition on one side and the other all torn and battered up)

TwoFace-
We both are here!

Guard 2-
Next.

Guard 1- 
Riddler!

(His cell is full of question marks written on the wall with dirt he finds in the corners of his cell)

Riddler-
If yesterday was history, and tomorrow is a mystery than what is today?

Guard 2-
Yea yea yea, we know you mean present. Next.

Guard 1-
Killer Croc!

(Croc lunges at solid steel wall behind the guards and begins to hit it and they hear him let out a loud….)

Croc- 
RAWRRRR!

Guard 2-
JESUS CHRIST! He's here next room quickly so we don't have to deal with his anger issues.

Guard 1-
Joker!

(A slight pause then a laughing starts followed by a clink. They alternate laugh clink, laugh, clink, laugh. Guard 2 opens the door and rushes inside prepared to blast at Joker if he tried anything funny. He looks around and only sees white boxer briefs on a stick. Confused he approaches and finds that the stick is propped up by a monkey with chimes. Suddenly the monkey stops banging and laughing. )

(Another slight pause as the guard picks it up showing it to his partner. Than the Monkey explodes but the wall was still barely standing. So the Joker walks to the wall and gives it a hard blow and it comes tumbling down.)

Joker- Now, don't feel like the weight of the world is crashing on you while I’m gone. After all only a few hundred pounds of concrete are on you. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

(Joker climbs out of the hole in the wall and rips off his straight jacket, revealing a pristine purple suit)

Joker-
Hang on Gotham Daddy is back and ready for some fun!

Act 1 Scene 2
Cut to
Exterior, roof of GCPD, Sunlight on an early morning, Nov 3rd.

It’s early morning of November third. Commissioner Gordon turns on the bat signal on top of the fifty year old police department made of solid brick after a night without sleep as he waits for batman he gazes over the city that never rests. Sounds of sirens and alarms can be heard along with the car horns of early morning traffic.
(Batman appears)

Batman-
Is it true?

Gordon-
I'm afraid it is…

(turns and faces Batman)

Gordon-
He escaped around 2 in the morning to nights ago. We were not sure if it was him or not but we have definite proof now.

(He tossed batman the police report, who catches it and begins looking through the report)

Batman-
Any leads.

Gordon-
(turns and faces skyline for a dramatic pause) We
         only know that he has killed three people so far.

Batman-
Names of the victims?

Gordon-
Alexa Agington, she was killed the first night, Then the couple of Amanda and her husband Ben avenda. We have been researching and there is no connection with the Victims, but there doesn't need to be for the Joker…

(Batman Cuts him off)

Batman-
There is a connection, we haven't found it yet, but there is one. The Joker may be crazy but he is not insane he knows exactly what he is doing.

(Slight pause as Batman thinks for a moment)

Batman-
Where did the murders happen?

(Gordon pulls out map)

Gordon-
All the victims were found murdered inside their own homes.

(turns and faces batman)

(Batman leaves before gordon can see where he went.)
Cut to...

ACT II
Interior: Batcave, Morning November 5th,
Batman drives threw a waterfall into the batcave which is full of military weapons, and technology far advanced for what other people have.
With its cave appearance built the caves stalagmites and stalactites with military weapons and gadgets and half finished projects sitting any where there was room for it to fit.
(Batman exits the batmobile and heads to his computer desk)

Alfred-
Good morning Mr. Wayne, How was your evening of catching bad guys and what not?

Batman-
not good, I still can't figure out how the joker is choosing his victims.

Alfred-
Maybe a cup of coffee and the newspaper may help out.

(Alfred bring Batman a cup of coffee and the newspaper.)

Alfred-
So how did the joker escape from the most secure prisons in the world?

Batman-
An exploding monkey, I just can’t see any connection between any of the victims. He’s just killing people like a wild animal.

Alfred-
Well that prison can be like a zoo sometimes.

(Batman glances down to read the newspaper)

Batman-
They finally shut down the old zoo? It took them long enough.

(Slight pause, than batman catches what he just said.)

Batman-
The zoo… That's it he’s hiding in the zoo!

Alfred-
Would you like for me to call the police and start a pot of tea for us or…

(Batman starts the Batmobile.)

Batman-
There's no time, who knows when he's going to strike again.

(Batman burns out and turns around and barrels out of the batcave)

Cut to….
ACT III
Exterior: Old Zoo, Night, November 5th

(Batman Rushed out of the batcave Speeding along highways and eventually made his way to the east side of Gotham. He hides his batmobile along the wall on the outside of the zoo.)

(Batman then Uses his bat hook to grapple over the wall. On the other side he begins to make his way through the zoo.)

(Flash back of batman remembering that it was report on Joker's escape from Arkham and the Monkey bomb involved.)

Batman- (Speaking into Batradio to Alfred)
He must be in the Monkey exhibit, knowing him it is most likely a trap.

Alfred-
Than I propose proceeding with caution sir.

Batman-
Affirmative.

(Batman Creeps stealthily toward the largest of the steel domes encompassing the abandoned monkey exhibit. As he gets close he grapples to the top then cuts through the steel with his bat laser.)

(He Jumps into and glides to the bottom of the Dome which is like a Jungle with tall trees and dense fog.)

(As he reaches the bottom and lands with a soft thump Bright lights begin to shine into the dome illuminating the whole arena. And the voice of the Joker screeches out of the speakers in a booming voice.)

Joker-
Well, Well, Well. If it isn't my favorite BAT! Oh you better watch out down there bats, it’s a jungle out there. HAHAHAHAHA!

Batman-
Enough Joker I don’t care why you are killing people but it ends tonight.

Joker-
Oh you would like to think that but it looks’ like the joke's on you!

(Batman looks down and sees red lettering flickering on his chest spelling out J-O-K-E, Batman Dives to the side to avoid the shot that appeared out of nowhere.)

(Batman hears joker's voice right next to him)

Joker-
Oh way to move out of the way bats we are all laughing at this situation here.

Batman-
We?

(Batman looks at his surroundings and notices that hyenas are laughing and slowly creeping out of the shadows of the trees one of them has a collar with a speaker where the joker is talking from.)

Joker-
HAHAHA! How about you play dead for us!

(They launch after batman as he begins to sprint away knowing he can’t fight them all at once.)

Batman-
ALFRED! How do I lose these pests?

Alfred-
I Don't want you putting any more tears in that suit master Wayne.

Batman-
Of course not, But there won't be any suite left unless you…

(Batman is interrupted by a hyena jumping on his back and biting him. He swiftly punches it in the face and throws it behind him as he continues.)

Batman-
Unless you tell me how to get rid of a pack of hyenas.

Alfred-
Well I would suggest throwing down a smoke pellet sir. I believe they have terrible eyesight.

Batman-
VANISH!

(Batman throws down a smoke pellet and then takes out each of the hyenas remaining.)

(He takes them out one at a time and finishes with the one that has the collar he rips off the collar and takes it apart finding the speaker and wiring)

Batman-
Alfred I am sending you the diagnostics I found from the speaker. Look at it and tell me where the source for the radio frequency is being generated.

Alfred-
Of course Mr. Wayne, Right away sir.

(We see Batman Climb up a nearby tree and begin looking out over the vast area of the enclosure.)

Alfred-
  Master Wayne I have found out how to track the location of the frequencies I just need you to force the Joker to use the system so I can track him down.

Batman-
Hmm well I guess I have to act like a fool to catch
one.

(Batman leaps out of his tree and glides to a clearing that has trees on one side and a straight drop off on the other with barbed wire around the perimeter on the either side of the large chasm separating the enclosure from the dome wall)

Batman-
Joker come out and fight me!

Joker-
Oh I think not bats. I may be crazy but I’m not stupid.

(Joker’s voice not a radio he is very close)
(Bat man heard it too and begins to turn in a circle looking for the clown he knows is close nearby.)

Batman-
So then throw whatever trap you have set out for me next.

Joker-
Oh I think not bats, you know what they say “Keep your friends close but your enemies closer” HAHAHAHA!

(Joker is now holding bat man in a headlock with a knife just below his throat.)

Joker-
Come now Bats let's get right to the point.
(Batman grabs the knife and with one large thrust stabs the blade in the joker's right leg and breaks off the handle)

Batman-
Let’s see you try to run now!

(Joker leaped away from Batman and was now limping due to his injured leg.)

Joker-
HAHAHA! Ever heard of the one legged man in an ass kicking contest?

Batman-
It's over Joker. You lose.

(Joker Lunges across the distance separating batman and himself. He grabbed another knife from up his sleeve and is attempting to stab Batman.)

(Batman disarms Joker again and blocks his punch. He was not aware that the Joker had a knife slip out of the tip of his shoe on his right leg.)

(The Joker impales the batman square in the chest.)

(Batman hits the ground with a thud than the Joker starts to walk up to finish the job.)

Joker-
Oh did you get cut? Must be my new suit gotta admit it looks pretty sharp! HAHAHAHAHA!

(Joker kicks the batman toward the cliff, Batman has another stab wound in his chest now.)

Joker-
Have a nice trip see you next fall!

(Batman Falls after the Joker kicks him one more time leaving a large gaping hole with blood seeping through his suit.)

(Batman pulls out a Batarang Grapple hook gun and Fires it directly at the Joker.)

Joker-
Oops, looks like I'm the one tied up now!HAHAHA!

(Joker and Batman are now both falling down the cliff)

(Batman uses a second grapple hook gun to fire a rope directly above him and then catches himself and the joker.)

(Batman climbs the rope and get on the ledge looping the Jokers rope around a tree as an achor and begins to pull the Joker back out of the pit.)

Joker-
Ahhhh come on bats I thought you wanted both of us to swim with the alligators. They haven't eaten in awhile.

Batman-
Enough! You're going back to Arkham Asylum tonight.

Joker-
I really must be going even though I would love to hang around. HAHAHA! That was a good one.

(Batman turns around in time to see the Joker kick off his shoe catch it in his teeth and slice the rope holding him up)

Joker-
See you later alligator!

(Joker laughs the whole time he falls and and flips over doing a perfect dive into the water below. He than began to swim toward a large opening that seems to lead to the sewers. The alligators were right behind him ready to tear him apart.)

Batman-
Alfred, I lost him he seems to be escaping through the sewers.

Alfred-
I can begin tracking him down for you, please return home Master Wayne. I must remind you that you have to attend to that press conference in the morning. You need to keep up appearances and Bruce Wayne hasn't been seen for some time now.

Batman-
Of course please begin right away alfred. Oh and I’m sorry but I did get some holes in the suit.

Alfred-
That was to be expected sir. Should I also get the first aid kit out?

(Batman looked down at the blood oozing from his chest)

Batman-
Yes please, and also I could use some help getting out of here please send the batmobile to pick me up.

Alfred-
Right away master Wayne.

Fade out screen. Laughing of Joker in the distance the words

“TO BE CONTINUED”

Appear on the screen. Cut to commercial end end of show.



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