A dance they call it.
A dance of protection.
The rhythm flows like a river
Trickling from a beautiful waterfall;
Ancient…
Something rare to find,
Such harmony;
Such peace that brings us a sense of security
By hearing its simple melody.
It calls to us,
Motions with its almost symmetrical
Fingertips.
Caresses us with its very sound,
Drawing us forever closer to its clutches.
Luring us into an eternal dance,
Like a puppet held on by strings to do
Its masters’ bidding.
Oh yes it calls.
Promises to shield us from the
Chaos known as our world.
Promises to guard us from the feeling
Known as pain.
What is pain?
Is it just simply something to be guarded
Against?
And so this dance continues.
Twirling us in circles,
Watching as we become dizzy
And engulfed by the mere adrenaline
It brings us.
It calls…
And slowly,
We are captured by its symmetrical fingertips;
Forever entrapped in this endless
Dance of Salvation.

Eyes that slowly forms
Shadows beneath them;
Eyes wide with this seducing
Emotion known as loneliness.
I can see in the mirror,
A little girl who seems to be
Shaking;
Hurting;
Shattering slowly as
Time goes on.
Sometimes I can even
Hear the wails of her cries.
All she’s pleading for is for someone
To notice her;
Someone to show her that
She is worth something in
This world;
That she belongs,
Just as everyone else.
I watch from a distance as
She tries to hide behind
This beautiful smile;
I watched from the beginning.
I had noticed the pain…
The loneliness in her before
She knew it herself.
I had dwelled in the deepest
Shadows of her mind,
Watching silently as she became
Feeble;
As she lost the fierceness within
Her dark brown orbs;
I watched silently,
Unable to break from these chains
That binds me to her
Subconscious;
Unable to stop what had
Become of her;
Unable to save her from
This cruel world that she resides in.
Just able to watch as she becomes a
Shell of who she used to be;
Just able to watch as she shatters
Completely.

Be loved, but never love;
Attached, but never combined;
Tripped, but never fall.
To be broken is better than
Shattered.
That saying holds all the truth for me…
For what I want to do and feel,
But it’s easier said than done.
It seemed that I am the one loving and
They are the ones who aren’t loving me…
It seems that I am the one attached,
But they never combine us.
Does this make me needy?
How dare I allow myself to feel this way
Towards them…
When they are getting closer to shattering me
As the days pass.
To me… it just seems that since they
Don’t care about me…
Why should I care about myself?
Today was the first time I imagined being pulled
Into that seducing,
Black abyss.
The abyss called ‘Death’.
I wanted all this pain to disappear,
But I couldn’t possibly follow through with
That image.
I’d be selfish if I did so.
To take the easy way out by ending my
Life;
To leave my sister Shay in this world… Shattered
Because of my selfishness…
Because she’s the only one who cares.
So I guess this isn’t the end for me.
And I thank her for this uncanny strength
She had leant me.
For she is the only reason I’m able to endure all of
This torture, the only reason why I
Fight.

Blinded by the darkness
As it slowly creeps up on me,
Swallowing me whole.
Where am I?
It all seems so vaguely familiar
To me somehow.
I had this familiar tingle start
From my spine,
Slowly crawling up it,
Making an involuntary shiver escape me.
I am now trapped in a
Whirlwind of emotions,
Unable to escape this wretched place
That I somehow knew.
I look as the wind begins to sway
With the trees,
Dancing to this enchanting melody.
One that too sounded
Familiar to my listening ears.
It’s the same song,
I realize.
The same melody that seems to
Haunt my dreams.
I begin to tremble as fear waves at me,
Smiling now that it’s forced me into
This state;
Smiling as it grasps hold of me
And attaches its unending strings.
A puppet am I?
Then I remember the feeling
Building within me,
Shouting at me to break free.
I was yet again being used as Childs play,
Amusing these foolish mortals…
Only to be disposed of and reused once more.
I am forever a puppet to them…
Never a person…
Never real.

My breathing begins to decrescendo,
Everything begins to blur together as it
All passes me by.
Where am I?
Who am I?
Do I even exist in this universe?
A journey,
Maybe a mission;
A mission to figure out who that girl
Staring at me in that murky mirror is.
I used to believe that I knew who I was…
Knew where I was.
But somehow I was confused.
Am I invisible to them?
Just a figment of their imagination?
I used to tell myself that I wasn’t;
That they cherished my presence just as
Much as they cherished the others.
I had been deluding myself though,
Wishing that it were true,
Wishing that I had some internal tie to them.
But I am nothing but a shell,
Nothing to them but a faceless clone.
Who do they perceive me as?
What does this faceless clone portray?
How will I be able to go on in life if
I am only a faceless clone that is filled
With nothingness;
With emptiness?

Red…
That’s all I see now.
I see the crimson that had coated
The room I had once cherished.
I can see it slowly dripping from the walls.
I can see a limp body lying on the floor.
I can see that the person will never
Breathe in the fresh air of existence ever again.
The sapphire orbs that stare deep into
My own, haunting me as I drift to sleep
Each night.
I’d been too late to stop this monstrosity
From happening.
And because I had been too slow,
The one person who I held most dear & sacred…
Was forever out of my grasp.
I’ll never hear another lullaby come
From their lips;
Never hear the ‘I love you’ that had always
Warmed my heart.
No…
They were dead, pulled
Out of my reach before I could
Even begin to cherish them to the fullest.
Gone…

Frozen…
Unable to move because of the
Pressure weighing down my heart.
As I stand there,
Cold in the winter air,
The memories of the past flit through
My mind’s eye.
I remember the childhood that had been
Taken away from me.
I remember the never ending pain
In my chest as a child.
I remember feeling as if I could no longer
Belong in this world.
I no longer had a purpose to live;
No motivation to drive me.
Maybe deep down… I still feel that way?
But now…
All I truly feel is numb.
What I remember most… were
The emotions I hadn’t cherished back then.
I was just a naïve child who felt
Alone in this world.
But now… I’m empty;
Unable to even grasp emotions within
My fingertips…
Only able to watch as they drift away from
This shattered person I have become.
Who am I?
Will I ever be able to answer that question
For the rest of my existence?

I yell,
but nobody sees.
I jump,
but they see right through me.
I cry,
and there is no one to
cheer me up.
Am I but a ghost to their eyes?
Am I clothed in an invisibility cloak?!
I ponder this,
for I can see my reflection.
But looking around me,
no one even knows I exist.
Trapped between two worlds... Dead & Alive.
Which one am I?
I have yet to find out.
But until that day comes,
I consider myself unseen because they're
but blind mortals.
I am alive,
but still don't understand why no one
has yet to see me here,
In pain... and alone.
I promise myself now,
that I'll find the truth to this mystery.
I'm on my way...

I hear light droplets falling onto the rooftop,
as liquid begins to leak from up above.
Is it God crying for what his creations have become?
Is it just the way nature works?
People believe the rain to be a depressing,
horrid sight to see.
They only see the negative sides of it...
They only see the flaws it holds.
But thinking about it,
looking at it through my own eyes,
I see nothing like that.
I see beauty that cascades down from the sky.
It sings its own lullaby,
gently putting children into a happy slumber.
It's like music to my ears,
something that can calm others.
Something that has... for years,
calmed me.
Looking up into the sky as rain falls,
is like starting all over again.
It's as if your sins are being washed away,
it's as if you can be reborn anew.
You let your feelings show in the rain.
Your pain, your anger, your fear... and your hatred.
As you let yourself flow with the rain,
everyone becomes blind from your misery
for that short amount of time.
The short amount of time it takes for
the rain to stop its flow and for the light to come again,
where only your fear and tears really
begin to materialize.
Maybe even when you begin to hide your
true self,
not wanting to show your weakness
to those you hold dear.
And then await the next rainfall,
so your true self can bloom
once again.

In the distance,
all you can hear is the
cry of a lost owl,
the howl of a single wolf,
and a chirp from the chick
hatching from its shell.
Moonlight casts a shadow over
all the land,
including those three animals...
Including their cries for help.
No one comes for them though.
No one hears their silent cries and tears.
They only hear themselves,
feel their pain.
Their loneliness.
Then...
their cries slowly drift to an end,
as a Huntress enters their domain.
As the Huntress searches for her prey.
One by One,
The Huntress shoots.
Pulling three arrows from her woven quiver.
Three arrows to aim at her prey,
three arrows to kill them.
And one by one,
the three animals fall dead at
her feet.
Put out of their Misery.

I tried…
Tried to stop the yells;
Tried to stop the pain.
But I am mute.
They had long ago stitched
My lips shut;
They stitched them
The moment that they deemed
Me invisible;
The moment their eyes
Strayed from me,
And looked anywhere but at the
Pain that seemed to
Cry-out from my eyes…
My soul.
They had shut themselves from me.
They could no longer hear
My savage cries of
Emptiness, help, need.
It was now quiet;
Silent…
Because I was now mute.
In my despicable world,
There were no sounds, no love.
I could see nothing
But the darkness of silence.
My lips will forever be sown shut…
Unable to cry out as I am
Repeatedly stabbed.
Trapped in this world of torture.
It makes me question
If this is hell;
This dark place filled with nothingness;
Filled with silence.
Is this the hell that I have heard
So much about?

I used to believe that I
Would give anything for the
Mental pain to go away.
But now I am just standing here,
Pondering my emotions;
Wandering listlessly as emptiness
Replaces that hole that used to
Belong to the pain.
I wonder whether it would be
Better to feel that pain,
Than to feel this emptiness;
To feel almost… inhumane.
Sometimes,
I feel as if I am not here;
That I am just a third party observer,
Watching as this body moves for me;
As if it was a puppet.
Could this really be better than what I
Had felt before?
Sometimes I feel that faint pain;
Feel the tears well up in my eyes
As loneliness tries to cloak me within itself
Once more.
But somehow…
My body becomes detached from itself
And begins to numb the pain;
Willing it to go away,
With the reassurance that something
Else will replace it.
Though,
I never noticed until now,
That its replacement was just emptiness.

My breaths come in short gasps
As I try to slow my heartbeat.
I’d did the only thing natural to me
Since the beginning of time.
I’d ran.
Ran from all this pressure trying
To claim me for itself;
Ran for the fear of becoming trapped
Once again.
I had run like a train,
Unable to stop to take in what was
Going on in the outside world.
I was shutting down,
Building walls to hide behind.
I made sure to let no one in,
Just passing by,
Acting as if I heard nothing
But the deafening howls
Coming from my chest;
Coming from my heart that
Seemed to be everlasting air.
I could never stop
Running until my time for
Running was abolished;
Torn from my fingertips;
And I was no longer a train wreck,
But a bird,
Set free from its shackles.

Is it possible to imagine,
But to never dream?
I’ve hidden throughout the years,
Masking myself from others…
Afraid that if I were the true me, that
I would never be accepted.
What I never came to fully realize,
Was that I wasn’t the only one in pain…
I wasn’t the only one to put on an
Act every day;
I wasn’t the only one to hide behind this mask
Of happiness;
I wasn’t always alone.
Funny how I had thought that all hope was gone,
That there was nothing left for me on this
Earth except for my sister.
I hadn’t realized before now… that some people
Actually care;
That some people actually find something special
Lying dormant within myself;
That I still have that hope that I used to
Have,
The same one that I had taken for-granted.
Well now… looking at myself in the mirror, I believe
That it is time to unleash this hope,
And allow it to revive my body once more
With it’s delicious happiness;
The one thing I had definitely taken for-granted
When I had it.
It’s time to show these people the real me,
Whether it’s gradually,
Or completely.
I will finally be myself and allow no one to bring me
Down because of it.
I will finally be able to imagine and dream,
And I will make myself proud.

It all begins with the black swirls,
tumbling down from the sky.
Then it begins to grow in size,
sucking up everything in its path.
Making a disastrous entrance into the
world known as Earth.
I stare in awe at the sight in front of me.
Then comes the second swirling warp hole.
I gasp as I am starting to be pulled into
its' dark depths.
I begin to pray as it heaves me into it.
But there is nothing I can do,
but to see what is to come;
but see whether God has heard my prayer.
Thunder begins to boom in the outside world,
while I await what is to become of me.
Rain begins to cascade,
as this world is overtook with an outrageous storm.
How many are to survive?
Will I be one of them?
Am I too far gone in this tornado to be saved?
Suddenly... everything stops.
Time stands still for a second,
and I look up to the sky.
Light suddenly burst from up above,
the sky beginning to lighten up.
It changes from the dreadful color of gray,
to the beautiful baby blue it was made out to be.
Suddenly,
I am one with the wind,
as it helps my descent onto the ground.
I guess God has heard my prayers...
At long last.

Un-whole,
Unloved.
I sit in the background;
Abandoned because they are
Unable to see this new
Invisible me.
Arguments are thrown
Back and forth,
There is absolutely no love in
This place anymore.
Fragile…
That’s how I feel.
No one to protect me from myself.
Arguments of who loves who
Are thrown into the air.
But the people here are absolutely
Blind.
How can you argue about love,
When you don’t love either?
When will this emptiness I feel
Evaporate?
Evaporate like the liquid
That cascades down my cheeks;
Evaporate like the water
After a storm…
Is whole even available to me
Now,
After all I’ve been through?
I just want to see that
Beautiful rainbow after a rainfall.
Is that too much to ask for?

It’s as if my body has discovered
A new lifestyle completely.
All these feelings beginning to erupt
Within me have my mind whirling
In every direction,
Unsure of this unpredictable path my
Life has been drawn into.
Blissful chills begin to erupt upon my
Forearms as I lift my head and
Breathe in the fresh air.
This is intoxicating as the wind begins
To run its gentle fingers through my
Hair.
All care escapes me and I am only
By myself in this moment.
I don’t care how my hair looks,
I don’t try to hide myself away any longer.
No,
I am just completely me.
Freed from what my life used to be.
Is this the true feeling of soaring,
Of becoming one with the wind and letting
Go completely?
All these months I had begged for this
Feeling,
But somehow,
It only embraces me as I lift my head
Up towards the sky and allow
Myself to fall under its’ seductive
Grasp.
So now I am able to taste how an eagle
Feels as it soars through the clouds;
Now…
I know how freedom can possibly
Become my life.