The next morning is like every other. I woke up at 5:30 am when they turned on the lights to my cell and I stood from the padded ground I slept on. I walk to the door to find a metal tray with bread and water on it. I sit again and eat slowly. I drink half the cup of water and then I eat half the bread. After I eat half of the piece of bread I finish my water. When I am done eating it is 5:40. The door opens on its own and just like every day I walk out of the room to find complete darkness. I don’t have to run my hand on the wall as I walk like I used to, to find my way. I take 5 steps and then I turn left. 3 steps later I am under a shower. The water turns on automatically and I shower in my clothes. They have cameras everywhere and so I will not shower without them. I cannot see the cameras but I know that they are there. When I move they watch. Every breath and every motion is monitored by the men in black.

When I return to my cell I find a folded pile of clothes on the bed and a glass of water and 2 yellow pills on the floor next to it. Everyday is exactly the same. The only difference between today and yesterday is that today is the 582nd day and yesterday was the 581st. Why did I not just stay home?

Around what feels like 3 am, I get a knock on the door to my cell. Well more like three. “Knock, Knock. Knock.” They always knock in that exact pattern. After 582 days of it I walk to the door and the second my foot hits the ground for the last step to the door it opens and I see the smiling face of Dr. Kolac. “Hello Andrew Gammathorn. Follow me please” I don’t say a word. The subjects (as they like to call us) are not supposed to speak to the doctors. We can’t even look them in the eye. It explains how they do this to us. They do not even see us as people. I suppose few of us still are. They know everything about us but we are not allowed to tell them anything. “No speaking, no eye contact, no physical contact.”

We arrive at the designated tested area in 5 minutes. I just wish to come out of this alive, as I have many times. Times like this are merely waiting for it to finish. It is like I am just going through the motions, not truly in my own head, and not truly looking through my own eyes. I sit on the designated testing bed and as I lay, I notice a red stain by my feet. The doctor asks me a question, we can only speak when we are asked a question and when we do, we cannot say anything other than the answer. “Did you eat today Mr. Gammathorn?” I keep looking down when I respond. “Yes.” Nothing more. “Did you finish your water and food?” I snicker in my head. I don’t know if you can call it food. “Yes”. I maintain eye contact with the ground. “You know the drill. Give me your arm.”, I lift my arm in his direction so that he can do his job. He grabs a needle, just as big as the last, and sticks it in my arm. In the corner of my eye, standing in the shadows, I see him. A shadow figure, about 8 feet tall. He moves his head from side to side, not saying a word, watching, waiting. Waiting for what? I don’t know. I don’t speak to him. Sometimes he tries to speak to me but I never talk back. I don't even want to know what they do to patients who are going “crazy”. When the doctor is done he leads me to the wall. The wall is a wall with handcuffs and surgical tools. He straps me up and the figure in the shadows watches. Taking the first tool he opens up the stitches from last week. He takes a look using I don’t know what and nods. Little did I know what he was really doing. He sews me back up and sends me on my way. As I walk, the shadow creature follows. Slowly walking in the shadows, following close behind. I was used to this. He goes where I go, under different circumstances, I might consider him a friend. I get back to my cell, more tired than usual. I go to sleep. 

Every day, exactly the same.

 When I wake up, I see the figure in the corner, standing, watching, not saying a word. I stand, already seeing breakfast at the door. I think that they put something in the food. I walk to the door, breaking my pattern by falling. This time, I just keep going. I drink my water, I eat my bread. Today doesn’t feel like yesterday. When I look up, in front of me, I see the figure. He has never been this close. “Hello” I say. He does not say a word. I realized what I had done in the next moment. I make eye contact with the figure and then I hear the sirens. An announcement was made over the intercom that I did not know still worked, “This is an automated message. Code Yellow. All Patients to their rooms and all staff to the emergency area. Patient 444996 has made contact.”, I freeze in my tracks still staring, unable to move. “What is going on?” I say still staring at the figure. At that moment someone opens my door to my cell and 300 doctors and guards walk in. Guards all pointing their guns at me, the doctors standing behind them. I look at them, then I look back up at the figure who stands there, motionless. “We’re going to need you to come with us.” So, this is the end I guess. I sigh and look up, meeting the figure's eyes one last time before turning back to the crowd. I make eye contact with the doctor who seems to be in charge. “Why?” I ask, simply. The guards raise their weapons with their fingers on the triggers, ready to shoot me on their leader's command. The doctor I spoke to steps forward and the guard in charge looks like he signals for them to lower their weapons. “Someone is being brave today, aren’t you?” I smile. “Well I don’t have anything to lose. If I go with you then I am dead. If I stay then I am dead.” I chuckle lightly and slowly it becomes louder and more intense. “I mean my wife probably moved on with my 2 kids! I lost them when I joined this stupid “hospital” and your physcos are going to kill me anyway so I don't care about this!” I keep laughing, progressively getting louder and louder. The doctors look at each other like I am crazy and the doctor in charge appears amused almost. “We aren’t going to kill you. Come with us and in one year we will set you free.” I had no idea just how true that statement was. 

And yeah, I went with him. I had no idea the horrid things I would encounter past the red door. While walking to the showers every day I couldn’t see anything but the only thing that I could make out in the dark was the door. It is bright red but in the dark you can only tell the color if you stare long enough. In the past few months my gaze always lingered on the damned door. Today I would finally see what was behind it. The doctors led me to the door before unlocking it with a key hanging from the leader's neck. When The door opened I swear my heart stopped. The breath I was holding out of nervousness desiccated in my throat and my entire body halted in place. The image behind the red door was the most horrifying sight I had ever seen. Surgical tools and torturous looking things filled the room. If I was able to breathe I would have screamed. My entire consciousness was yelling at me to run as far and as fast as I could away from this mad scientist looking lab and yet, I didn’t. My body remained motionless and my feet stayed planted. 

“What-what is…” I didn’t get a chance to finish my sentence before the head doctor started talking. “This is the main lab. All experiments happen here after a patient makes contact which hasn’t happened in 35 years by the way.” So many questions fill my head and he holds a finger to my mouth, “I will answer all of your questions later just please step into the room”. I only move after he starts to reach to guide me into the room and I move backwards. My back hits the wall of guards behind me and I tense up. I let him lead me into the room. Once we get inside he closes the door behind me and it is now just him and I in the room. Facing me, a smile plastered on his face he waves his hand through the air giving me a miniature tour. I sat down in his chair for the first examination. Fear struck over me as he lifted tools and machinery that I had never seen. 

After my painful “examination” he brings me to a room that I had never seen. There is no bed and instead of white everything is in gray. The padded floors and walls are there and there is a slot in the door for food and mail. I haven’t gotten mail from my family in 584 days. I go lay down by the bed and fall asleep almost immediately.

I cannot recall the last time that I slept as well as I did last night. It is unreal for me. I went to sleep and I stayed asleep until I heard a doctor enter my room the next morning. “Hello Mr. Gammathorn. How are you doing this morning?” the doctor says pulling out a pair of eyeglasses and looking at what seems like my chart. I look at him in the eyes and see a hint of fear in them as he seems to force himself not to look to the other side of the room. “What are you not telling me…?” I ask cautiously. He shakes his head and forces a smile. “It is nothing Mr. Gammathorn. Let’s start with your daily examination. This might seem a little weird to you but this will be just an average healthcare examination. I will test your weight, height, blood sugar, and blood pressure. I don’t know if you did your bi-annual checkups back when you were on the outside but it is going to be like that but it will be everyday. We will be constantly monitoring your body and how it reacts to our tests.” I stay silent. Honestly I didn’t even care at this point.

I haven’t seen the figure in a while. His body no longer stays in the corner of my room and his eyes no longer watch me sleep. There are still cameras. I cannot see them, but they are there. I can feel them. Watching me. Silently watching. If I even breathe weird they will know, I am under complete observation right now. After my examination the doctor injects something into my arm. I am not sure what it is or what it does but at this point I couldn’t care less. He wraps my arm in a bandage and sends me back to my cell.

 I woke up this morning with a newfound will to live. I have the need to survive for once. I have to leave this horrid place and get back out into the world. My remaining sanity depends on my escaping, but I know that I will not be able to escape on my own. Maybe if I play nice and do what they say then maybe just maybe they will make good on their promise to let me out in a year. Freedom. That sounds nice. I wonder how my wife is. I wonder if my children ever miss me. I really did give everything up when I joined this program. I suppose there is not anything I can do to change my fate now. I have lost myself to the monster that the doctors created. And my sins are a result of my own misjudgement. I often think about what my life would be if I was still on the outside. I wonder just how much has truly changed in the world while I have been gone. Has my lovely wife remarried? Have my children been calling someone else “father”? If I returned I wonder if they would take me back. If I told them that leaving them was the worst decision that I have ever made? If I expressed my grave regrets for leaving them alone in the world. Stuck and forever unmoving is me but they still have a chance at happiness and I fear that I would ruin it for them. I would hate myself if I took their one chance at happiness away, you see I was not a good person while I lived on the outside, let alone a good father. I know that now. I drank a lot. I got angry and when I did I would take it out on my kids. I never laid a hand on them, but I screamed. I knew that it scared them, and I did it anyway. I fought in the army and that taught me all the wrong lessons. I yell at my kids so that they listen. I would disappear for days at a time and when I was around I knew that it was hell for them. I deserve this. I deserve this hell that I put myself in. Why was I so horrible to my wife? My children? I thought I loved them… Why would I do that to them? They probably hate me. God I hate who I was. I really messed this up. I just have to get through the next 4 months and then I will be free.

be used to this empty and depressing environment. It is always quiet here, and when I made contact and we made the deal I totally got thrown off. I was finally just existing and I could go through the motions of being here with no problem but now, for some reason I am feeling things again. Before we made the deal I was somewhat numb. I don’t know how to describe it. I didn’t feel happy, or sad, or anything really. I was just there. I do not even believe that my soul was in my body during this time. It is almost like I was a spectator to my own life during this time and after so long I completely forgot what it was like to feel. It must have reached the point where the emptiness was “normal?” to me. I honestly have no clue. This of course is not including the times that I missed my family. It was a rare occurrence but when it did happen it was mostly guilt. On the rare occasions that I did feel guilty for what transpired, I was more confused than anything. Most of the time the numbness consumed me. At first I was sort of confused. After a few weeks I began to embrace the emptiness. I accepted it as a gift, because if I was not numb I would be sad. If I was not numb I would be guilty. And if I was not numb I would be broken. Nowadays I veer away from the emptiness. Pain is a blessing and to be completely honest the pain of my past is well deserved. I was a bad person. Instead of running away from the consequences of my selfishness now I welcome it with open arms. Maybe if I pay for my actions in life I will not have to pay for them in death.

That night, I dreamt for the first time in 586 days. I couldn’t tell you if it was a good dream or a bad dream but it was a dream. I saw my wife, my children, and my old home. I saw the fear in my children's eyes and the hatred in the eyes of my wife. I look down at myself and I don’t recognize the person that I am looking at. I look like a monster. I am not saying that in the mulan reflection way. I say that I don’t recognize myself quite literally. I see a figure. A shadow figure like the one from my old room. I see sharp dark claws, long legs, pitch black shape with no defined features. I see something that is not me and yet, I have not felt more like myself in years. My heart is racing and I think I may have a heart attack. I always assumed death would be more scary. At least that is what I figured this was. My heart was racing in my chest, my head was pounding (let’s be honest the screaming wasn’t helping). The look of fear in my children and wife's eyes didn’t make me guilty for once. The fear actually strengthened my bloodthirst. I won’t get into what happened but let's just say I ripped my family limb from limb. There was a certain- I don’t know how to describe it- it was like a rush that went to my head while staring at their motionless bodies scattered around our front room. Suddenly I heard a sound, an alarm of some kind I suppose. I heard it and I moved without thinking. I started running towards this alarm with no clue why. Any time i tried to stop myself and figure out what was going on I had a horrid pain in my entire body. My body was moving on its own and wouldn’t stop no matter how much my brain wanted it to. There was this hunger in me leading me- calling me to the sound. I didn’t even know where I was going to be completely honest. I was just running. I didn’t appear to be running in any particular direction but for some reason my legs just knew where to go. When I finally have the courage to look at my surroundings I see many figures, just like me. All of which were running in the same direction and all of which looked terrified. I ran past one guy ripping his own legs out with his mouth. I will spare you the details. Some of the figures that I ran next to tried to fight their instincts while some allowed it to happen. They did not fight or try to stop what was happening. It appeared that they had given up all hope of stopping. When I was running next to one of the ones that stopped fighting he turned his head to me. He had one eye and blood gushing down the left side of his face. Then he mouthed the words to me that would strike fear into any god fearing man. “Run while you still can”. After he said this I turned away and back to him to figure out who he was talking to and he was gone. The next moment, I woke up. I woke up in a cold sweat and my heart pounding, begging to escape my chest.

 After I wake, the day continues on just like usual. Nothing was different, or at least that's what I thought. I went through the motions, just like every day before that. I got up, I ate, I bathed, I got my daily injection. This is how it went for the next 150 days. Every. Single. Day. Until, day 737. I didn’t know what exactly to expect, I mean, everything is going fine?

 After 150 days of normal (or what I now considered normal), I didn’t expect today to be any different. I didn’t anticipate anything changing today. I woke up. I ate. I bathed. I got my daily injection. I thought that after my injection I would return to my cell and contemplate the events that led me where I am today. After the doctor was finished he led me to a place much different from my cell. He led me to a field, just outside of the ward. I was sent outside and the moment I took my first breath of fresh air I collapsed. I do not know what happened after I blacked out. I know that my legs stopped holding up the rest of my body and my head hit the ground. According to the doctor I was out for 8 days.

 Today was different. I woke up on a hospital bed. I was in the room that I got my injections in. The only difference is that for the first time in 740 days, I felt alive. I felt human. I was feeling all kinds of feelings and emotions, not just numb and sad. I was anxious, happy, sad, and confused all at once. I started tugging at my restraints but they refused to come undone. A wave of panic went through my bones as I heard the doctor's voice. Now, clearer than ever. “Ah. You’re awake. You gave us quite the scare there. How are you feeling? You can speak.” I clear my voice before responding. “I-. cough, wait. What happened? Why am I here?” The doctor smiled for only a moment before continuing. “It appears you have temporary amnesia. No need to be concerned. It is very normal to experience temporary loss of memory when you are in a condition such as yours.” I stay silent, then I ask, “and what exactly is my condition?” He nods. “You will find out very soon. Your body tends to mentally block any and all memories that may cause extreme pain or anxiety. You should be back to normal in no time.” 

For time's sake let's just say that things did not go back to normal. Every single day after that things just kept getting weirder and weirder. After one day My nails had grown 4 inches. After day two my senses became increasingly worse. By the end of the week it was almost like I was someone else. I don’t mean mentally. I looked in the mirror this morning and I quite literally saw something else staring back at me. I looked like the figure, the black on from the corner. I didn’t look human. At first I looked afraid- but then for some reason I started to accept it. My brain (for some reason) accepted this creature as the new me. No questions asked. I now looked like a demon straight from hell. 

Suddenly, I hear an alarm. The loud siren blaring through the speakers pierces my eardrums and it only seems to be getting louder and louder. My body seems to move on its own when it begins to move in fast, and long strides. Just when I think that I am going to run into the door, it opens. 

The next thing that I know, I wake up alone. I am laying in my bed from my old house. I don’t know what has happened. I walk out of my old bedroom to smell a horrible rotting smell. “Kids? Honey?”. I call for my family. When nobody responds, I get a sickly feeling in my stomach that something has happened. I walk into the living room and I see a sight that I never could have predicted. The insides of my wife are splattered across the floor and the walls, but my children are nowhere to be found. I silently pray that they are not left in the same position as my wife. After a few minutes of looking for them I hear a whimper from the hall closet. When I open the door I find my kids huddled up in the corner. The look on their faces can only be described as pure terror and hatred. I try to go down and comfort them but they flinch at my touch. One of them pleads “please…. Don’t hurt us, like you hurt mommy…” At that moment I got up and left. No matter how much my body pleaded not to leave. No matter how much I internally begged to go and comfort my crying kids and make them forget everything that they had seen, I couldn’t. So I left.